The Birds and the Bees

Bloodwork and Other Random Stuff

2012-01-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

Ah, so the bloodwork doesn't end with getting pregnant! Going back to the lab to get poked was like a flashback to all my IVF cycles, but this time, not so anxiety driven. I had my 27 week glucose and complete bloodwork tested and everything came back a-ok! No anemia, no GD, no preeclampsia. I didn't expect any surprises, but you never know. So, it was a relief to get the clean bill of health.

Our little eggy seems to be doing pretty good. I feel him moving and kicking on a fairly regular basis. My belly has definitely grown and seems to be growing a bit each day. As for weight, I've gained a little less than 20 pounds and my OB seems to be ok with that.

We spent the weekend painting the nursery and putting together furniture. I wanted to get this done before I got too big to be able to help Doc. Right now, we have a crapload of donated baby stuff...everything from a carseat to not one, but two, co-sleepers, not to mention three garbage bags full of baby clothes. I'm not sure how or when I'm going to filter through and organize all this stuff, but Doc wants his office back (right now, everything is being stored in his office) and it looks like Babies R Us threw up in there. There's only this small, clear pathway to his desk and then all around is just baby stuff. Every time I look in his office, I cry a little inside knowing that I have to go through all it. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate that we don't have to spend the time and money to buy it, but does this little guy really need a baby wipe warmer (yes, we have inherited one of those, too).

2012 -- Happy New Year!

2012-01-11T15:28:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I can't believe it's already 2012. Where does the time go?

I really apologize for the belated new year message, but Doc and I were in Spain, Portugal and Morocco until yesterday night. It was what you would call our "babymoon." We had a fabulous time, but I am very happy to be home. It's definitely not as easy to travel when you're pregnant and although, it was a relatively smooth trip (only one small incident of food poisoning), I'm glad to be back in my bed with all the comforts of home.

So, just an update...I'm now 25 weeks, officially past the 6 month mark and getting bigger by the day. I'm definitely feeling much better than I was during the first tri, but now I'm starting to feel other symptoms like frequent bathroom trips that lead to nothing more than a trickle, lots and lots of gas (this is more a problem for Doc than for me), and sleep deprivation. God, what I wouldn't give to be able to sleep on my back. But, really, who am I to complain when I'm so head-over-heels in love with the little man in my belly.

Now that we're a little over 3 months away from my due date, we've got a whole list of things we need to do including starting a registry, decorating the nursery and sifting through the mounds of hand-my-downs that we received from friends and family. Amazingly, I haven't purchased one single item yet for our baby. We have so many hand-me-downs, I really don't know what we would purchase. Anyone have any advice on what we absolutely need to have? In many instances we have doubles of items, like two co-sleepers (I didn't even know what a co-sleeper was until just a couple of months ago).

As for the placenta previa, I found out that I have a partial previa, so I'm hoping that it's resolved itself. I find out in a few weeks with another ultrasound, but until then no sexy time for Doc and I. Also, lucky me gets to do her glucose test next week! I've never had any issues with my sugar levels and I haven't gained that much weight, so I'm hoping that I pass. Wish me luck!

Another To Add To the List

2011-12-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

Right after my work holiday party on Friday, I noticed I had a missed call from my ob. It's usually never good when you get a call from your doctor, so I immediately listened to the voicemail. She went on to tell me that she had read the ultrasound notes and everything looked a-ok with the baby, BUT (there's always a but) not so much for the placenta.

I have a low lying placenta covering the opening to the cervix which means a few things:

1) Probable bleeding during the during the second or third trimester, if so, I'll have to be on bedrest

2) I will probably have to have a c-section

3) I am at risk for early labor which can lead to all sorts of complications

I've been told, though, that most placenta previa cases that are seen during the 20-week scan are resolved by the third trimester. The uterus grows/stretches and the placenta shifts upward from the cervix. I'm hoping that this happens to me.

Right now there's not much I can do, so I'm not that worried. I'll just have to wait until I'm rescanned at week 28 and hopefully (fingers crossed), the placenta will have moved. So far I haven't had any spotting or bleeding and I'm hoping that it stays that way.

Bucking the Trend?

2011-12-01T10:58:00.000-08:00

So, Doc is one of three sons and each of his brothers has 2 boys. Coming from a Korean family, we have hit the jackpot since boys are highly, highly valued. But, sometimes there's too much of a good thing and there's been a lot of secret hoping that our little one would be a girl.

Well, we got the news yesterday and it's a boy! There's no denying it...we have a perfect shot of his little pee-pee and it's definitely a boy. So, it looks like we won't be bucking the trend.

I am so dang happy! Every time I think of the little one, I just feel so fortunate and happy and blessed. It's been an amazing journey that's just begun.

Too Long!

2011-11-28T08:47:00.000-08:00

First, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and is joyfully recovering from food coma. Second, argh! It's been way too long since I last posted. I can't believe it's been over a month. I don't even know where to begin, so you'll have to excuse me, but I'm going to make a list of all that has been happening between then and now.

1) I'm almost 19 weeks! Holy smoking cows! My belly is definitely starting to protrude and I've given up wearing anything but elastic waistbands. It's a little surreal to look down and not be able to see the underside of your belly.

2) No more all day nausea...finally! Hallelujah! I still have bouts of queasiness here and there, but overall my nausea has definitely subsided. I don't have any cravings and my only real food aversion is to sweets, particularly pastries. I used to love all things cake and pie and now, not so much.

3) I got a promotion, well, sort of...That's part of the reason for my absence. I got an "interim" manager position around the time I found out I was pregnant. Supposedly, it was to be a 3 month gig to determine whether or not I wanted to permanently take the position (it's very different from my current position and would be a definite career change), but it's turned into an indefinite timeline. Add to that, I still have the responsibilities of my current position, so I'm doing double-duty. Hence, my lack of downtime for blogging (because if you can't blog during work, when can you blog?!).

4) Babymoons...Doc and I have just taken 1 of 2 babymoons. We went to Kauai over Thanksgiving and we're (or should I say he's) in the midst of finalizing plans for our Xmas babymoon to Spain, Portugal and Morocco. This is probably our last hurrah for awhile, so we're trying to make the most of it.

5) Sleep and backaches. My old back injury has returned with a vengeance. To combat this, I've been trying to sleep on my side, not to mention that I'll have to side sleep exclusively starting at 20 weeks, but, let me tell you, I HATE sleeping on my side. I am a back sleeper and our bed is nice and firm, made specifically for back sleepers. Side sleeping is making me miserable. I've tried multiple pillows, bought a snoogle, and even switched to sleeping in the spare bedroom, but it's just not working. Any advice?

6) Pink or blue? That is the big question in both households right now. See, Doc is one of three sons and both of his brothers have 2 sons, so there is a definite lack of estrogen on his side of the family. On my side of the family, being that this is the first grandchild/niece/nephew, my mom and sister are just waiting with bated breath to see if it's a boy or a girl. We have the anatomy scan scheduled for this Wed, so I'm guessing that we'll then!

That's the update for the timebeing. I'm sorry for the long winded post, but it's been so long, there was a lot to catch up on. Oh, and I also apologize for being so remiss on the commenting...I'm hoping that I'll be back on the ball soon!

12 Weeks

2011-10-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

I made it to 12 weeks! Lots of things have been going on and luckily, I think the worst of the nausea has finally passed. I've actually been able to make it through the day without feeling like I'm going to throw up at any minute. Don't get me wrong, the nausea and food aversions are definitely still there (I can't even look at pico de gallo without wanting to hurl), but I actually have some energy and feel half-way human. I can't wait to be able to enjoy food again...to look at food and say, "YUM! I wanna eat that hunk of meat!"

I also graduated from CC.RM! I'm done...no more meds, no more blood tests for progesterone and estradiol. It was a bit sad saying bye to Annie. She is the best nurse and really made my cycles at CC.RM so much easier. After being with CC.RM so long, it feels weird to be alone and not having them there as my security blanket.

What else? We had our NT scan and tested negative. To me, this was the last big hurdle we had to pass. I know we still need to get through the second and third trimesters, but this test was what would decide whether I could go public and our results were really good. As a result, we'll probably opt out of having doing an amino and we'll make our announcement this weekend at Doc's family BBQ.

Yes, Doc's family still doesn't know. I made the decision to wait on telling the in-laws just in case. I'm really happy we did and feel so much more comfortable now than I would have if we had told them earlier on. Not that telling them would've been bad, but the less people that know, the easier it would've been had something gone wrong.

Lastly, we got to see our little eggy! It was the best thing ever. I swear, I think I'm in love and I couldn't help but cry a few tears. I could see him (defaulting to "he", but we don't know yet) waving his arms and legs and doing little summersaults. This was all during our NT scan and the tech was so nice. She pointed out how he was swallowing amniotic fluid and showed us different views. Doc and I could've stayed there forever just watching him hang out and do his thing.

Before I end, I want to say congratulations to Tortoise Baby!

Taking a Breather

2011-10-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

I'm so, so sorry. It's been too long, but I have excuses. Basically, for the last week and half I have been exclusively focused on making it through each day without having a break down or throwing up in inappropriate places.

I really hate sounding like I'm complaining, but I had absolutely no idea that my morning sickness (or all-day sickness) would be so bad. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that it's my body's way of telling me that our little eggy is still safe and sound, but maybe it could tell me a little more subtly. For awhile, I was nauseated constantly...every day, 24 hours, even in the middle of the night when I woke up to go to the bathroom. It was the worst in the afternoons/evenings -- cooking dinner, forget about it. Poor Doc hasn't had a homecooked meal in weeks. I've even switched to chewable prenatal vitamins since the others were making my throw up (very, very sensitive gag reflex).

I think my worst night was a couple of weekends ago when Doc and I were at Mass in the evening and it was so hot and crowded at church. I started to feel nauseous after the second reading and then it got progressively worse as we went through the Gospel and then the Homily. I forced myself to make it through the Communion and then I ran out of church, dragging Doc with me and we hightailed it home where I ended up kneeling by the toilet and throwing up...everything.

The next day I got a prescription for zo.fran and let me tell you, it is not the blessing that I had hoped for. It did absolutely nothing other than give me a freakin' monstrous case of constipation. I was so backed up, that it made me even more bloated and nauseous. During these hard times (pun intended), Doc's only medical contribution was to tell me that I could get relief by doing an enema or manual disimpaction (he did make it clear that he was not going to do the disimpaction). Needless to say, this information was not helpful and only succeeded in making me even more irritable.

Anyway, so all this rambling is finally leading to the fact that I may actually be feeling a little better. The last couple of days have been a little less painful and I've actually been able to go grocery shopping without feeling like I'm going to hurl on the tomatoes. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm praying...

9 weeks!

2011-09-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe it! It's already been nine weeks. I'm still in a bit of shock to think that I'm actually (still) pregnant.

On Tuesday, I went in for my second ultrasound and the baby is doing well! Heartrate is up to 181bpm and it was measuring at 8w6d -- exactly as it should be. At that appointment I had a long discussion with the OB to discuss options for genetic testing, and we decided to do the NT and if necessary, an amnio. It seems that no matter how far along in the pregnancy we get, there's always another hurdle to cross.

As for the morning sickness, thank you all so much for your advice. It's been pretty brutal to say the least, but no one except for Doc seems to be too concerned about my lack of eating/appetite. My OB said not to worry, the baby will get all the nutrients it needs. But, I did follow your suggestions and I've been making some protein smoothies to help me get through the day.

The other good news...I'm almost completely weaned off the progesterone and estrogen supplements! Saturday will be my last dose of PIO and my last patch. After that, I'll only be on one endometrin insert and one oral estrace. Something to look forward to!!

Food, Glorious Food!

2011-09-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have a serious issue and I need some help on this, so any advice would be much appreciated. For the past week or so, I have had absolutely no desire to eat anything. I think it's a combination of complete food aversion and nausea. It's gotten so bad that I actually have to force myself to eat. Literally, I have to tell my hand to pick up the food, put it in my mouth, chew, and swallow. If I'm lucky I'll get down half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and then some jook (waterey cooked rice stew type of thing) for dinner.

Doc started to freak out last night when all I could eat for dinner was half of an egg roll and 3" of a Subway sandwich. I wasn't actually concerned until he started to get concerned because #1, I'm not constantly throwing up (maybe because I'm not eating anything?) and #2, all my concentration for the past 2 weeks or so has been on just making it through the day. Oh, and I've tried all the non-prescription remedies: ginger, B6, sea-sickness wrist bands, saltines, small meals, etc.

I told Doc not to worry because there were women that are far worse than me, but that didn't seem to console him and now he's got me all worried. I have an email out to my OB, but I also wanted to post the question to you. Is this normal? Have you experienced this, too? Should I be concerned?

Progress

2011-09-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

These past few days have been a real struggle, so I apologize if this post is a bit incoherent. I am so incredibly tired and the non-stop nausea has not helped me one bit. I sit behind a desk all day and by 3pm, I am so incredibly tired, I just want to collapse. How do women who do more physical work even function? Am I that much of a wuss?

Yesterday, I had my first "major" ultrasound and they were able to get a count on the heartbeat. The little eggy (named for our one good egg and also "eggy" sounds very similar to "baby" in Korean) is now measuring 9mm with 137 bpm. They're estimating the age to be 6w6d which is only one day behind if you calculate using our transfer day. So far, so good!

As much as I want to go out and celebrate, I constantly have this nagging worry in my mind and I can't help, but be scared. There's always a "but" somewhere. I'm hoping that I'll feel a bit more confidant once I get through the first trimester.

Next stop: med reduction and another ultrasound in 2 weeks!

Ultrasound Update

2011-09-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

We had our first ultrasound yesterday and everything was looking a-ok! We have one little bean who decided to stick around. It was such a relief to see the flickering heartbeat and nice round yolk sack. Unfortunately, the doctor had not scheduled the appointment as a "major" ultrasound so we didn't have the equipment that could count the beats per minute. But, after figuring that out we went ahead and scheduled the right appointment for next Wednesday.

The doctor took the crown to rump length and measured 5mm which puts us at 6w1d which is just one day short of the "real" age which is 6w2d. I'm now anxiously waiting for Wednesday's appointment! Does the waiting and anticipation ever end?

On another note, I can't wait until I can stop doing the PIO shots and these estrogen patches. My estrodial was at 868 and progesterone was at 91, so I'm hoping that I'll be weaned off of these soon and then maybe, just maybe, my nausea will lighten up a little (well, a girl can hope, right?).

6w1d

2011-09-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe I just wrote that...6 weeks and 1 day. It's amazing. I really can't believe it and I'm still pinching myself. Well, between the bouts of nausea, I'm pinching myself. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or miserable, but morning sickness and in my case, all-day sickness has kicked in big time.

It's been a real struggle. Although, I haven't thrown up, I can barely function during the day because it takes all my concentration to just keep myself from lying on the ground and moaning like a wounded animal. The nausea is terrible. It's fully incapacitating. When I get home from work, all I can do is just throw myself on the couch and stare blankly at the TV. Poor Doc hasn't had a home cooked meal in quite a few days and thank goodness my mom lives nearby because I would have just stopped eating if she didn't bring over food.

Other symptoms include sore boobs and fatigue and bloating. The sore boobs have really thrown me for a loop because it's almost like I have a foreign body...Imagine this: having "nearly A" boobs for your whole life and then one day, boom they grow bigger and fuller and they hurt when you jump or try to sleep on your stomach. Is this how the other 99% of women live?

Don't get me wrong. I am so thankful for these symptoms because without them I'd be more of a basket case then I am now, so bring the symptoms on! And, hopefully, tomorrow we'll get a glimpse of the little bean causing all my pain.

The Other 2 Week Wait

2011-08-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure which is worse the "typical" two week wait of waiting for your beta results or the two week wait between your beta and that first ultrasound. I'm one week down, with one week to go and it's been excruciating.

Throughout the day, I'll take random moments to feel myself up and make sure that my boobs are still hurting (my one and only "real" symptom). Without that sign, I'd be lost, a complete basket case versus just a semi-basket case. It's hard to concentrate on anything else, and to be honest I've been googling everything under the sun regarding early pregnancy. Luckily, my job requires only half a brain, so it hasn't really affected anything that I'm doing.

As for some of my "maybe" symptoms...hunger. I am starving when I wake up and sometimes in the middle of the night, I'll wake up because I'm hungry. But, then again, I might just be hungry because well, because I'm hungry and I like to eat. Another "maybe" symptom -- gas and lots of it, which seems to be going hand in hand with my constipation. I've been drinking prune juice to alleviate the constipation which I think is contributing to my increased methane output which doesn't really do much for Doc or for my carbon footprint.

Argh! I tell you IF certainly gives new meaning to "patience is a virtue."

Complete Meltdown

2011-08-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'm typically a pretty calm and unemotional person. I pride myself in being logical and not letting my emotions get to me, but today, that went out the window.

I just came back from work and all of sudden noticed...holy sh*t, my boobs don't hurt! And then I started freaking out -- big time, like, huge! I called up Doc who was working late and told him what was going on. He said that if I wanted to, I could go down to the lab and get the bloodwork done stat and see the results tonight. What kind of question was that? Did I want to?

So, I drove like a maniac to get to the lab before it closed and by the time I got back home, washed the dishes and folded the laundry (I do housework to calm myself), Doc had called to with the results and it was 2320 (38 hours doubling time)! Of course, Doc scolded me for stressing myself out, but when all you've got is symptoms and they start going away, I'm going to start freaking out. That's just the way it goes.

But, now I can sleep easy, at least for tonight and then we'll see what triggers my next big anxiety attack. Freakin' a...does the panic ever end?

Beta #2

2011-08-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

We got the digits! 508! We made it over hurdle #2. My progesterone level at my last test was 59.2 and my estadiol was 454, so I'm good there, too.

CC.RM doesn't do anymore tests if your second beta is good, so we're now just waiting for the ultrasound which will be two weeks from today.

We haven't told anyone except for my mother and sister and Doc's older bro. For the time being or at least until the end of the first tri, I think we're going to keep it that way. We're being very, very cautiously optimistic. What is that they say...hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Dazed and Confused

2011-08-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like the last 24 hours have been a dream. I'm still in disbelief that I could actually be pregnant.

What did I do to celebrate? I treated myself to a positive pregnancy test! After 2 and a half years of never seeing a BFP, I peed on a stick last night, and there it was -- two lines. I could feel myself holding my breath and anticipating a stark white stick even though I had gotten a positive beta just this morning. I really, really wanted to see those two lines.

And now I'm going through what every IF woman goes through after getting a BFP...the fear. I'm ecstatic but at the same time, so incredibly scared. The only saving grace is that the symptoms (if you can even call them that) are still going strong, if not stronger. I still have the cramps, my breasts are sore and I have absolutely no desire for anything sweet and let me tell you, I love me some afternoon chocolate.

So, here I am waiting for tomorrow's beta and doing nothing productive except reading Dr. Google. Praying that the number rises!!

BETA!

2011-08-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

252 at 9dp5dt! That's the number! I can't believe it! I'm still in disbelief.

Since we did the beta at the hospital lab that Doc works at, he actually got the results before CCRM. So, we just found out.

I know we're not out of the woods yet, but I'm just so happy!!

Symptom Insanity

2011-08-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

OMG! I don't know if I'm going to be able to hold out and not POAS before my beta on Wednesday! This weekend has been unbearable. Please talk me away from the edge!

I have all of the following symptoms:

Sore breasts...seriously achy and I have never had sore breasts
Constipation! I haven't had any more prune juice since the incident last week when it worked a bit too well and now, well, now I'm having a "hard" time of it.
Sleepy. Very sleepy.
Cramps galore and increasing every day.

I'm so scared that all of these symptoms are a result of the meds, both the progesterone and the estrace. I particularly think it may be the estrace because I've never taken estrace orally and I know that taking the hormone meds orally can increase the side effects. All the other meds, I've taken during my other IVF cycles and I had no real side effects. I'm only taking one 2mg pill of estrace orally because my estrogen levels were a little bit low on the day of my transfer. The rest of the estrogen is being administered by the Viv.elle patches.

Has anyone taken estrace orally? Did you have any of the same symptoms?

Please, please, convince me that waiting until Wed is the way to go!

Pooped...

2011-08-11T16:10:00.000-07:00

3dp5dt and I'm back in the Bay and relaxing at home for the rest of the week until I have to go back to work on Monday. So far I feel ok with a couple of exceptions...

I'm pooped. I've been sleeping 9-10 hours/day since the transfer and I'm still tired. As a matter of fact, after I type up this post, I'm going to take a nap.

The other exception is that I'm pooped...literally. I'm having some serious bowel issues. I've been seriously constipated the past couple of days, so today I decided to take matters into my own hands and I had a nice glass of prune juice (disgusting). I'm not sure if it was that or something else, but I am now officially unplugged. The flood gates have been opened. The Kraken has been released. You get the picture...At this point I'm not sure which extreme is worse. I just hope things stay nice and quiet for awhile.

Transfer Complete!

2011-08-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

We had our transfer yesterday and everything went a-ok...actually, it went as well as I could have hoped for.

When we got to CC.RM, I did the mandatory bloodwork to test my estradiol and progesterone. Then we were ushered upstairs to our first session of acupuncture. After that, we had to wait a bit and that was really uncomfortable because my bladder was so full. I had to ask a couple of times for the nurse to let me empty my bladder.

Eventually, Dr. Sur came in with the embryologist and transferred two fully expanded, hatching blastocysts. One of the blastocysts survived 100% and the other survived 98%, but both were hatching and they both looked great.

I have all my fingers and toes crossed that one of these little blasts is on its way to taking up residence in my uterus. My beta is scheduled for next Wed. Hopefully, I'll be patient enough to wait and not test beforehand!

Too Much Thinking!

2011-08-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit it, but I've been thinking way too much and thinking too much usually leads to me worrying and then anxiety and then second-guessing. So, that's where I am right now...second-guessing on everything related to the FET.

Currently the issue I'm obsessing on is whether or not I should have requested a test for beta integrins. When I talked to Dr. Sur about this he said that he didn't think I should test because nothing pointed to implantation issues. I asked why, considering I've had 2 failed IVFs and he replied that those were most likely embryo quality issues.

At the time we talked about this it made sense. The first IVF we transferred two fair day-2 embryos which most likely would not have made it past day 3 and on our second try we transferred a single fair day-3 embryo. So, nothing to make you say, hmmm...those were good embyros, why didn't they make it?

I know it's a bit late for me to be wavering like this, but I can't help wondering. To give me a little piece of mind, I've told myself it things don't work for me with this FET, I'll definitely do the test before our next FET AND I'll also do a laparoscopy (even if Doc doesn't agree with this one).

No Silver Lining

2011-08-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

Not even a hint or glimmer of silver. I got the news and I had a feeling that it was going to come down to this -- my lining is just barely too thin. It's at 7.7mm and CC.RM likes it at 8mm. No word yet on what'll happen to the FET. I guess we just wait and see, but that's not all the good news.

There's also something happening with the lining. Some abnormal thickening on one area of the lining. The doctor who did the scan thinks it might be a polyp or something, but it's definitely a lump/protrusion of some sort. Not very large, but it's there. It's a bit strange, so we'll see what CC.RM says, but for the time being I'm a little freaked out and whole lot worried.

UPDATE: We're still on for the 8th! Part of me is happy and excited, the other part is second-guessing whether or not we should go forward seeing as though we're right on the borderline of too-thin and we have the unidentified something or other growing in my uterus. But, Dr. Sur says it's a go and I've trusted them this far, so Denver here we come!

Living with Lupron

2011-07-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

That's been my life lately and let me tell you, it's been no barrel of monkeys. I had no idea that lupron could make your life a living hell. The first few days were smooth sailing and I was even gloating about how I didn't have any of those horrible side effects that I had read about, but then...the headaches, the nausea, the hot flashes. I have them all. To say it's unpleasant is putting it mildly and I have to continue with it until August 2nd!

Other than my bitching, there's really nothing new to report on. I've started on the FET meds and my transfer is still scheduled for Monday, August 8th. I've already taken the entire week off to relax and chill.

Oh! How could I forget? In addition to my lupron woes, I also hurt my back doing squats at the gym. So, I've been icing, going to the chiropractor, and basically, hobbling around for the past week. That, in combination with the lupron, has made me quite the happy camper. Poor Doc has had to deal with my bitching and complaining. I'm sure he'll be happy when this is all over, too.

Signing off to take other shot of the devil water!

Back to Reality

2011-07-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the huge lapse in posts. I know there's no excuse, but does being on vacation count? I just got back from our vacation to Iceland, Finland, Sweden, Estonia, and Greenland. It was a whirlwind trip with no rest. Seriously, I need a vacay from our vacay. Doc loves to pack as much as he can into our trips and this time he outdid himself. We spent the most time in Iceland, driving around the country and seeing all the major sites. It is an absolutely beautiful island and the name, "Iceland," is a bit of a misnomer. It was cold, but it's also very green and lush with tons of beautiful waterfalls. Luckily, our days were long with 20+ hours of sunlight, so we were able to squeeze a lot into our days.

But now I'm back at the office, trying to refocus again. It's so hard to get back into the swing of things after coming back from vacation. (insert long sigh) I always, always kick myself for not adding in a couple of buffer days to make the transition a little less painful. It never works, though.

On another note, the countdown has begun to my FET...It's a little less than a month away before I head back to Denver to transfer two of my four blasts. I started the lupron yesterday and the last day for my BCPs is tomorrow. I can't believe we're so close. I don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm trying to remind myself that I only have a 50/50 chance according to all the stats that I've read on Google and what Dr. Sur has told me. I'm taking it one day at time and hoping for the best!

Getting the FET Ball Rolling

2011-06-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

I finally have the date set for my FET. I'll start the lupron right after we get back from Iceland on July 10th and then on August 8th is when I get to meet my blasts.

It's such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I really, really want this to be over, but at the same time I know this is my last chance, my final grasp at the straws, the grand finale...The fat lady will be singing and hopefully, it'll be a happy tune. I keep telling myself to be positive, but it's so hard every, single time I hear another pregnancy announcement, see a freakin' HPT commercial, or even just walk by a pregnant woman.

I've been trying to keep myself sane and not think about this too much. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know if I do, I may not be able to recover without some serious damage. Doc has been wonderful and supportive, but I'm just a really bad communicator and I keep things to myself most of the time. Over the years, he's learned to be patient and sooner or later, I usually tell him what's on my mind and what's bothering me, but it could be after a couple hours or it could be months down the road. I'm sure I could do with a therapy session or two, but I've done that and it hasn't helped me at all.

Anyway, enough of the depressing ramble...I've got a vacay to prep for and then a successful FET!

Happy ICLW!

2011-05-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've participated in ICLW, so for all the new visitors...Welcome, and here's a little recap on my infertility journey. Warning: It's a long journey.

It's been 2+ years since my husband (Doc) and I have been TTC. When we started TTC, like most newbies, I assumed I'd be knocked up within months, but six months passed and I could tell that something was not quite right. My luteal phase was short. I had very light, 2-3 day periods. No existent cervical mucus.

So, I tried the alternative, natural methods first. Went to acupuncture, took delightful tasting herbal meds, started yoga, reduced exercise, gained weight...But all for nada. So, then I went to a local RE who does everything except IVF and with her we did two rounds of IUIs (a clomid and a letrazole cycle). I responded, but again we got the BFN.

After those three rounds, the RE was out of options and we were still unexplained, so she suggested we move on to IVF. She assured us we'd be pregnant in no time. Doc's sperm analysis was top notch. I was still relatively young (34). I responded ok to the meds. All the physiological stuff was a-ok. It was a no-brainer...on to IVF.

So, Doc and I bit the bullet and with hope in hearts we went to a local IVF RE who had the best stats in the Bay Area. We started with an antagonist protocol because I had done the clomid challenge and had just barely squeaked by. It seemed things went fairly smoothly. The only cause for concern was that my follies took a little longer in growing. But, by day 13, I was ready to trigger and I had 9 good looking follies for retrieval. Good news was I had 9 follies retrieved. Bad news was out of those 9 follies only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized. We transferred 2 ok-quality embyros on Day 2 and got a BFN.

The doctor was stumped. He had only encountered this one other time and really didn't have any answers as to why this had happened. He suggested we stim for another day or two and do away with BCPs, which may have oversuppressed me in the beginning of my cycle. Doc and I thinking that this was just a fluke decided to give it another go.

Although we liked IVF RE #1 just fine, we decided to go with another well known local RE. He suggestion was to do a microdose lupron protocol with estrogen priming, but when I asked him about the extra day or two of stims, he said that it would not help to produce mature eggs and it would only cause the eggs to be overmature. We trusted his opinion and went with him and the result was almost identical cycles. We had retrieved 11 follies, but out of those 11 only 3 were mature and only 1 fertilized, so we had only ok quality 3-day embryo to transfer. Another BFN.

At this point, we obviously knew it wasn't a fluke and something was going on with my eggs, so we went to the best and headed to CC.RM for what we thought was our final cycle. We talked to our doctor there and decided that we'd push to blastocyst no matter how many embryos we had and we'd also push for CCS (if we had enough blasts). If this was going to be our last cycle, we really needed some answers. I knew that CC.RM's lab was excellent, quite possibly the best in the country. If we pushed to blast and we had zero embryos make it, then we knew there was quite likely an issue with egg quality and then at least, we'd have some closure.

Our third IVF cycle went very similar to our last two IVF cycles. We did an antagonist cycle, but this time we stimmed an extra day, growing my follies to over 20mm and letting my estrogen rise to over 3,000. We also did a double HCG/lupron trigger. We retrieved 9 eggs, 5 were mature and 4 fertilized. Of those 4, we had only 1 perfect 3-day embryo and that made it to blastocyst by day 6. We froze our one 4AB blastocyst and decided not to do CCS.

After this cycle, we decided to give CC.RM one more try. Our fourth IVF cycle was the same protocol but this time I also added in saizen. I reacted the exact same way and they let me stim for an extra day. At retrieval we got 11 eggs, 5 were mature and 4 fertilized (one extra fertilized late, but it didn't make it past day 2). Of those 4, we had 3 make it to blastocyst -- 4AB, 3BB, and a day 6 5BB. We decided not to do CCS because on day 5, when the decision needed to be made, we had only 2 blasts.

So, now this is where we stand...We have four blasts on ice and we'll be transferring two (4AB and 3BB) in a FET sometime in August or September. All I can say is that it's been a very long journey and it's changed me a lot. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I wish I could say that it's made me a stronger, better person, but I can't confidently say that. I just know that my life will never be the same.

Recap

2011-05-04T12:40:00.000-07:00

We had our $108 15 minute call with Dr. Sur last week to discuss next steps and to pick his brain a bit. In summary, he said that he didn't think this cycle really differed all that much from last cycle even with the two extra blasts (I'm not sure why). And amazingly, he actually said that the quality of my eggs aren't bad. He thinks that my follicles need to be bigger in order for the eggs to be mature. Unfortunately, I stim slowly and I'm already at the max days that he'd like to stim someone. Add to that, my follicles don't grow at the same rate and I tend to have a lot of smaller ones which aren't mature. So, bottom line is that there's not much more we can do.

Based on my records of this cycle and last cycle, it does seem like the mature follicles/eggs are the ones that are 20+ mm. Anything smaller is immature. So, while most people can have mature eggs with a follicle at 17 or 18mm, I would not be one of those.

So, what are our next steps? Well, with 4 blasts to choose from, Dr. Sur recommended transferring two, the 4AB and 3BB from this cycle. The remaining two (which are day 6 blasts -- 5BB, 4AB) will remain happily frozen and hopefully, not be needed until way down the road.

In the meantime, I've been enjoying life again. Going on runs, drinking coffee, having glasses of wine...life is good once more!

What Not Wednesday (A Day Late)

2011-04-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's Thursday, but I'm going to pretend it's Wednesday and post random What Not thoughts for the day. I know my blog has been seriously lacking in any sort of interesting, stimulating or even somewhat engaging content and for that I apologize. IVF #4 has sucked the life blood right out of me and my blog, but now that it's over, I can post the most exciting aspects of my life starting with:

Korean Dramas: Since I started IVF #3, I've been hooked. I started watching one that my mother recommended to me while I was in Denver. I had the time and it was brainless, but one thing led to another and now I'm hooked. All the crying in the rain while Girl A waits for Boy A to come home from the military. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law drama. The independent, head-strong Girl with attitude gets Rich Boy because he falls in love with her no-nonsense personality. All of the story plots are the same, but they are oh so good. Guilty pleasures, I tell you!

Coffee and Exercise: I can have both...again! Hallelujah! I had my first cup of coffee on Monday morning and it was so delish! And as for running, I went for a 3.5 mile run on Saturday, outside, in the sun and I didn't do too bad. I made it with a pace of less than 10 min/mile. Not great, but not bad.

Vacations: Doc is putting the last minute touches on our itinerary for our Iceland/Scandinavia trip. We'll be spending 5 days in Iceland, renting a car and driving around the island. We'll be spending the remaining 9 days in Greenland, Sweden, Finland and Estonia. I know...it's a lot of countries to be covering in such a short amount of time. Luckily, they countries are close and so the flights are quick. I'm excited, but at the same time, a bit anxious because I know it'll be a pretty tiring vacation. We're also going to Sequoia National Park over Memorial Day weekend. Not as exotic as Scandinavia, but I'm still looking forward to it. Both Doc and I haven't been since we were in elementary school, so it'll be nice to get away and commune with nature.

That's about it in a nutshell! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we get to do the FET in July. The sooner, the better!

One More!

2011-04-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

We got one more blast! I just got the call today and we got our last embryo to develop to a 5BB blast. That means out of the four initially fertilized, we had three make it to blast. Amazing! I am so thankful and happy and relieved all at the same time. So now we have four blastocysts: 4AB (IVF #3) and 4AB, 3BB, 5BB (IVF #4)

I wish I could figure out what made this cycle so much better than last cycle, but it's so difficult to say. It could've been the saizen or the cocktail of vitamins that CC.RM recommended or it could've been that the reduced work schedule that I started back in February. Shoot! It could've been that the stars were aligned just the right way. Whatever it was, I am so freakin' thankful and happy that we have four chances for a success.

I know we're not in the clear yet and I don't want to get my hopes up, but this gives me a glimmer of hope that it might just work. We haven't figured out when the FET will be, but probably sometime in July/August. We're going on vacation to Iceland and Scandinavia at the beginning of July and want to do the transfer afterward.

So, our next step is a phone call with our doctor on Friday to discuss our transfer and then we'll take it from there!

Blast Results

2011-04-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

I just got the call from the embryology lab and it looks like we have two blasts. Out of the 5 eggs (4 normal maturation + 1 late maturation), we had 2 make it to blast and 1 that may potentially make it to blast by tomorrow.

I asked about the quality of the two blasts and one is a 4AB (which at day 3 was an 8-cell 4-) and a 3BB (which at day 3 was a 7-cell 3). With only two blasts we decided to forgo CCS testing.

We talk to Dr. Surrey on Friday about our options with the transfer, but we're anticipating a July/August transfer.

Five of Fourteen

2011-04-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

My apologies for the delayed update, but I wanted to have all the info before I posted. So, first off, I want to say that my body is very consistent. Out of fourteen eggs (yes, this time we got a lot of eggs) only 5 were mature (same as last cycle) and 4 fertilized. We had 7 that were immature and only 1 of the 7 was fertilized, so we've added only 1 extra to the fab four. So, I guess the results are that even with additional eggs, my body just can't manage to produce any more mature eggs.

I'm hoping that out of those 5 at least 1 makes it to blast. Then we'll have at least one blast to add to our single blast from last cycle.

Amazingly, I'm actually ok with the results. I'm not happy with them, but I feel like I'm in "acceptance mode." If this doesn't work, then I'm ready to move on to adoption. I just don't have the energy, stamina or desire to do anymore IVFs.

Showtime!

2011-04-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

I just got the news and tonight is trigger! My follies are pretty big:

Left side, I have about 8-9 ranging between 28 (I think this was mismeasured because yesterday the largest was at 21 and I've never heard of a follicle grow 7mm in one day) and 14.

Right side, I have about 3-4 ranging between 21-18.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the retrieval on Wednesday goes ok and we get a good number of mature eggs.

Mile High

2011-04-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

Yes! I am here in Denver once again and you could say I'm having a bit of deja vu. My cycle is going almost identical to last time I was here, except it's the mirror image with my left side having the majority of the follicles and my right side lagging a bit in production.

On the left, I have 6 follies ranging from 14 to 6mm and on the right I have 4 ranging from 13 to 6mm. What can I say except that my body is very consistent...doesn't throw my any curve balls which I guess is a good thing, but based on my results from the last IVF, I'm hoping that maybe we'll have a better outcome.

Anyway, I get the day off tomorrow from going in to the clinic and Doc flies in tonight, so it'll be nice to hang out with the hubby and relax for the day.

Forgive Me

2011-04-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

I've been a terrible blogger for the last couple of months. I apologize, but my life has been none too interesting and since I've just been farting around until my I start IVF #4, I just haven't had anything to write about.

But now that comes to an end! I have started my stims as of today and on Sunday I fly out to Denver. Being a veteran IVF traveler, I've picked up some tips from my first trip out there. First, I only ordered just enough meds to get me through the first day in Denver. When I get to Denver, I'll order the remainder of my meds. This way, I only have to travel with a small amount versus last time when I had to pack a freakin' pharmacy. Second, Doc is coming out one week after me. Since I take a year and half to stim, there's no reason that both he and I both have to sit around waiting for my eggs to cook. So, he'll be flying out a bit later. Then, lastly, the rental car is in my name. Last time, Doc was the sole driver on the rental agreement, so he had to play Driving Miss Soo around and it was a pain in the ass. Since I have all the appointments, it's better for me to drive.

So, what drugs am I taking? Well, there's the 150iu of men.opur and then the 0.33 of saizen and then 300iu of go.nal-f. This is the first time taking saizen, so I'm praying that it helps, particularly since it cost me $700 bucks for 5 doses...talk about highway robbery.

Oh, and needless to say, my Bay Area RE (the one that I am going to for at-home monitoring before I travel to Denver) reminded me that studies have shown stress and depression are not good for IVF. Great...I swear, trying to destress has resulted in causing me even more stress. I call it the great Infertility Paradox: Stress from attempts to destress results in additional stress causing initial stress factor to worsen. Blah.

Life's Updates

2011-03-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Utah and the best snow on Earth! I have to agree with that statement...On Sunday, we rode on the most amazing powder. Here in CA, we get what people call Sierra Sludge. The snow is wet and heavy and on a powder day, it'll just weigh you down and stop you cold in your tracks. But, in Utah, the snow is heavenly. It's weightless, soft, and you glide effortlessly down the mountain. I've never boarded on anything so amazing. And to think, Park City is less than a 2 hour plane ride from us! Guess where I'll be next winter.

On the flip side, I'm sick. Without fail, I always get sick when I go on vacation. The day before we left for Utah, I got the usual sore throat and then sneezing which led to the runny nose and cough. So, between runs, I spent my chairlift rides blowing my nose and swallowing meds to keep my cold at bay. But, I am proud to say that I did not miss a day of snowboarding. Even in my invalid state, I dragged my ass to the slopes and got my runs in. Unfortunately, this cold seems to have a very long half-life and is still lingering. I'm hoping to kick it to the curb by this weekend, but I won't place any bets.

As for my cycle, I started the estrogen priming this morning and now I'm just waiting for AF to come. She should be here by tomorrow or Friday, so I wait...again. If she comes as anticipated, I'll start stims on the 5th and leave for Denver on the 9th. Less than two weeks and I'll be back at CCRM.

Waiting For O and Other Stuff

2011-03-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

The title of this post basically sums it up. I'm just waiting to O and then the countdown begins. How am I feeling? Well, part of me can't believe I'm going through this again. As I get out my credit card and order those meds, I can actually hear the money going down the drain. Another cycle of shots, bruises, pills and travel. Is it worth it?

I'm really hoping that it is. I'm placing $30K on "Yes" and praying to every god that something good will come out of this. Please, please don't let this be a waste of time, energy, hope, and money. All we need is one good egg.

To make matters a tad more stressful, if we don't get at least one good blast out of this I'll feel oodles and oodles of guilt. I was the one that convinced Doc to do one more cycle to get one more egg. The money that we're using on this cycle could have gone to a down payment on a new home (so we can get out of our current home), but no, I convinced him that in the long run it would be worth. What's more valuable...a better neighborhood or a child? So, there it is and I feel like the responsibility for that decision is on my shoulders.

That being said, the "Other Stuff" in my title refers to our upcoming trip to Utah to go skiing/snowboarding. I'm excited! We're going for 4 days and will be staying at The Canyons resort. Hopefully, this will be my last ski/snowboarding trip for awhile and thankfully, I won't have to start my cetro.tide until after I get back, so no shots to travel with.

And, my very last note: Happy St. Patty's Day and the luck of the Irish to you!

Delinquent

2011-03-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

If there's anyone still following me, I'm so sorry for my delinquency. I know, there's no excuses for not posting, but really, I had nothing exciting to post.

What's been going on since since I last wrote? Well, I reduced my work schedule temporarily, so now I'm working Mon-Wed with Thurs and Fri off. I've been catching up on cleaning, cooking and reading, having lunch with friends and just plain enjoying life. And, strangely enough, IF hasn't been my main focus!

But, reality kicks in and here I am again with a new calendar. I start the estrogen priming part of my cycle at the end of this month (luckily, after we get back from our Utah ski/board trip) and then I'll begin stims in April. The calendar has me flying out to Colorado on April 11th. This time we're old pros at this, so the traveling will be much less stressful.

Let's get this show on the road!

Time Flies!

2011-02-14T08:08:00.000-08:00

Has it been almost 2 weeks since I posted? Man, it's been a long time, so obviously, there should be tons to catch up. Not so much.

So, since it's Valentine's Day, I'll post a little bit of something about Doc. We met back in 2006, actually, I should back that up. According to him, we've known each other since I was in high school and he was in college, since we went to the same church...I have no recollection of this, but I am known to have the worst memory, so I'll assume that what Doc says is true.

Anyway, fast forward to after college and I'm back in the Bay. Doc is done with med school and residency and he's also back in the Bay. We see each other at parties, since we know the same people, but we never say hi...He's dating other people. I'm dating other people. But, low and behold in the January of 2006 we end up going on a ski trip with some friends and we start chatting away, and we "click." I am utterly and completely smitten. He's funny, smart, witty, charming and he skis!

The next month, we start hanging out...We chat on the phone. He helps me with dinner and driving (I had just gotten PRK done on my eyes). We go skiing/snowboarding. And, the next thing you know, we're dating and I'm in love! After about 10 months of dating, we're engaged and in November of 2007, we're married!

He's my BFF and the love of my life and the most amazing husband in the world. Doc is the trip planner, the money manager, the car fixer and the bug killer and without him my life would be so empty (not to mention, filled with lots of bugs and I hate bugs).

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Our Best Laid Plans

2011-02-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

Now that we have our one good blast safely frozen away, what are we going to do?

We just finished our regroup with Dr. Surrey and he started out by saying I responded about the level he expected (don't really know if that is a positive comment or not...). Anyway, he then went on to talk about our eggs. Our current blast was the only perfect 3-day embryo that we had. The remaining embyros stalled at day 3 and didn't develop further. This, he said, probably indicates that they were chromosomally abnormal and wouldn't have implanted even if they had been transferred.

From there, we talked about our options. He basically gave us two: 1) stick with our current blast and do a FET, or 2) do a second stim cycle and try to get more embryos. We tried to get him to give us his opinion on what would be our best option, but no such luck. With #2, we'd possibly get more embryos and give us better odds, however, there's no guarantee.

So our plan: go with option #2. Doc and I had already decided this prior to the regroup. Although, Doc didn't really want to do another cycle, I told him that if we didn't, I might regret for the rest of my life and did he really want that hanging over his head and our marriage. With that comment and my absolute guarantee that this would be the last and final, I was able to convince him to do one more cycle.

As for the protocol, it'll be the same as before. Dr. Surrey was satisfied with the results and he didn't think that anything need to be tweeked, so we'll be doing the extra day of stimming plus the HCG/lupron trigger. But, in addition, I'll be using sai.zen, a human growth hormone, which supposedly helps poor responders.

Our last and final cycle starts in March. Denver here we come...again!

And Then There Was One

2011-01-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

We got the call from the embryologist this afternoon and we have one. One single blast graded 4AB. The other 3 ceased to develop after 6 cells. The bottom line: I make really sh***ty eggs.

I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I'm disappointed, but at the same time grateful that we have at least one. I'm not a crying-type of girl and am usually pretty stoic, but in the past few hours I've gone through a myriad of different emotions and now, I'm just trying to figure out what to do next.

Should we do another cycle and try to get some more embryos? Do we just transfer the one embryo and call it quits? I'm really not sure...Doc wants to quit with this FET. Since we were able to get one blast, I'd really like to have at least two blasts to transfer back. I know I said that IVF #3 would be it, but damn, if that little thing called hope is making me a liar.

I guess we'll talk to Dr. Sur and see what he recommends.

Random Thoughts

2011-01-27T09:04:00.000-08:00

It's now only two more days until we get the call from CCRM to let us know if we have any embryos left. It's been a torturous wait and as the day gets closer, the wait seems even more painful.

Part of me wishes I could just hide under a rock for a while until the call comes just so I don't have to deal with anything, but the world doesn't stop functioning just for me and because of that I have some items I have to deal with that have been hankering in the back of my mind.

1) I just got an invite for a ~~baby shower~~ "diapers" party for my SIL. She's expecting a baby boy (#2) in March and although this is her second baby, her friend and her sister have decided to throw her a "diapers" party...mind you, it's not a baby shower, it's a "diapers" party. WTF is that? My guess is since it would be rude to have another baby shower for baby #2, they're being slick and throwing a "diapers" party. What a load of crap (pun intended)...

2) One of my best friend's from college is due for her first in March. Luckily, she's on the East and there's no mandatory baby shower attendance.

3) Another one of my friends is due in June/July. I'll probably be required to go to her baby shower...

4) I went to my first rodeo while I was in Denver. They had the National Western Stock Show (mother of all stock shows) in town and since Doc and I had nothing to do, we went to the rodeo. My impressions? Pretty dang cool...Those cowboys are badass. Sad thing is I'm deathly allergic to horses (I found this out while taking equestrian in college for PE -- I took doped up on allergy meds before class) and in the middle of the rodeo I had to leave because my allergies started to get really bad. So I hung out looking at cows and sheep (not allergic to cows and sheep) while Doc watched the rest of the show.

5) I'm glad to be home...Although Denver is a beautiful city and there's a lot of good things, one of those things is not Asian food. I do not like asian-fusion and there seems to be a plethora of asian-fusion as well as combo-asian (Chinese-Vietnamese-Japanese). Seeing as those three foods are as different as Italian, German and French, I'm not sure how you can combine them together. I'm sure there are some good places that we didn't try, but we gave it our best by going to the ones that were very highly rated on Yelp and I was not impressed. I'm very happy to be back in the Bay.

Now, back to praying for that good report on Saturday...

The Numbers

2011-01-24T11:48:00.000-08:00

After waiting by the phone all morning, we finally got the call which was bittersweet.

Of the 9 eggs retrieved, 5 were mature and 4 fertilized with ICSI. The remaining 4 ceased to develop. So, we have 4 embryos with which we'll freeze on Day 5 (if any make it that far), do CCS testing, and then do a FET probably in March.

I'm happy and sad about the numbers. I really wanted more, but at the same time 4 is more than both previous cycles put together. I'm praying that these embryos make it...

Retrieval Update

2011-01-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

I'm still recovering from the anesthesia, so I'm going to keep it short and sweet...9 eggs. No surprise -- right on target with what the ultrasounds showed us. So, now it's just waiting for tomorrow's fertilization/maturity report.

Trigger!

2011-01-21T14:11:00.000-08:00

I'm finally triggering tonight! After 14 long days of stims, my follies are ready to be harvested and I'll be going in for retrieval on Sunday.

As of yesterday's bloodwork, my estradiol was 2, 300 and at today's ultrasound, my stats were:

Right: 24, 23, 21, 21, 19, 12, 11
Left: 21, 20, 19, 11, 11, 10

So it looks like I'll get 9 mature follies with a few additional immature which I hope they can mature in their labs. Wish me luck for Sunday!!

Updated: Holy! My estradiol is 3,011! No wonder my ovaries feel like their about to explode. Poor, poor ovaries...

Slow and Steady

2011-01-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

That seems to be my motto for this cycle. It's been 12 days and I'm still stimming. My estradiol levels have been consistently rising between 250-300 per day and approximately 1-2mm of follicle growth. I currently have 8 mature follicles and possible 2-3 additional small, probably immature follicles.

So, now what? Dr. Sur has me stimming for another couple of days with trigger on Friday, barring any unusual numbers. That means retrieval will be Sunday, a whole 4 days later than what we had originally anticipated.

We discussed our transfer options with Dr. Sur today and basically came to the decision that we would do CCS if we had more than 3 mature eggs and we will push to blastocyst regardless of how many mature eggs we get.

I'm so scared to hope for anything at this point. With our last two IVFs resulting in identical outcomes, I don't know what to think. Our numbers don't differ that much from our last cycle in terms of follicles and E2 levels, so I'm just hoping that the combination of longer stimming and lupron/HCG trigger will work some kind of miracle because God knows that's what I need right now.

Right: 22, 19, 18, 18, 18, 8
Left: 18, 17, 15, 8, 7
E2: 1,789

Another Update

2011-01-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry, my posts are not going to be very entertaining...Mostly just filled with a lot of monitoring mumbo-jumbo. Which leads me to my latest stats below:

Right: 13, 13, 12, 12, 11 (plus 2 <5mm)
Left: 11, 11, 11, 5
E2: 735

So far it looks like I have 8 in the running with 1 possible catch up and two that are way too small. I was hoping for more, but am thankful that all of them seem very close in size. So, no issues with a dominant follicles/follicles.

I'm scheduled to have my ER on the 20th, but I've been reminding everyone at CCRM about my immature eggs and telling them that I want to be stimmed for at least one more day, if not, a couple more days. During my last cycle, I stimmed for 12 days and that cycle was a huge bust. I'm definitely going to push for at least 13-14 days...That would put my ER at the 22nd or 23rd. So, I'm definitely going to be extending my calendar.

I'm also monitoring my E2 closely. I'm going to insist that I not trigger until I'm at about 2500. My last two cycles I was at 1,600 and 1,800 and the results were terrible. When I last talked to Dr. Surrey, he said with 10 mature eggs, he would be looking for E2 values between 2,000 and 2,500, so that's what I'm going to insist on.

I've been pretty complacent with my last two cycles and have gone along fairly well with what the doctors have suggested, but this time around I'm going to have to be my own advocate and go with my gut feelings.

As for my life outside of CCRM, DH and I have been spent our last couple of days in Denver watching matinees and going shopping at the outlets. The weather has been beautiful and quite warm, so there's definitely nothing to complain about on that end.

Where Are My Follicles?

2011-01-13T10:19:00.000-08:00

I went for my first CC.RM appointment today and I had my Day 6 follicle scan. Looks like there's only 8...How I went from having 15 to having 8, I do not know, but that's what the NP told me this morning.

She did the ultrasound pretty quickly and didn't really seem to be looking for small follicles, so I'm hoping that there are a few more that are hiding around in there. But, the stats are as follows:

Right: 11, 10.5, 10.3, 8, 7.5

Left: 8.5, 8.5, 8

E2: 291

I'm still plugging along with my meds, so we'll see if that changes when they give me a call this afternoon!

Day 4

2011-01-11T13:51:00.000-08:00

After 3 days of 300IU Go.nal-F and 150 Meno.pur, my stats are:

Right Ovary: 9 follies (ranging from 4.6 - 7.9)
Left Ovary: 6 follies (ranging from 4.8 - 7.3)

E2: 70
LH: 3.2
Progesterone: <0.5

It looks like a better follicle count than my last two cycles, but the E2 is still a bit low, so I'm anxiously waiting to hear back from CC.RM to see if they decide to up my dosage or keep me the same.

And the last bit of news is that we leave for Denver tomorrow! Both Doc and I will be out there for the full 2 weeks and luckily, my work has been very understanding so I'll not be required to work while I'm out of state. I'm hoping that the rest and time away from work will help this cycle.

Bloat and Other Cool Things Happening To My Body

2011-01-10T11:51:00.000-08:00

First off, thank you everyone for your support!! I so look forward to your comments!

I started the stims this weekend and I feel the bloat setting in...I'm not peeing like I usually do AND even though I haven't been eating that much, I still feel very full (that's the most sure sign). I've been feeling like this since I started the estrace a couple weeks back but sure enough, it's getting worse. I don't even want to think about stepping on the scale because I'll freak out and if I freak out, I won't eat or I'll go on a mad exercise binge and I cannot do either of those things. So, I'm just going to take deep breaths and not think about how I feel.

I had one hell of a time with the Go.nal-F pen...The last two cycles I've used Foll.istim and since I'm a pro at that I thought the Go.nal-F pen would be a breeze. Not so much. I wasn't quite sure about the whole pulling-the-dosage-tab-thing. I think I may have not given myself the full 300 IU dosage the first time because I was afraid to pull the tab too hard. Second time around, though, I was prepared and I pulled that sucker as far as it would go out and I think I finally got the hang of it.

Can I just say that Meno.pur must be devil water! I always seem to forget how much that sh*t burns. I can't believe I pay $80/vial for that.

And my last rant, my face...It's dry and oily and zitty all at the same time. How does this happen? By the end of the day, my nose and forehead have a nice shiny sheen from having sucked all the moisture out of my cheeks and around my mouth. And then, low and behold, I have two beautifully matching red zits on my nose and chin.

I feel oh so pretty today.

Got the Green Light...

2011-01-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

...to begin the stims tomorrow night. The baseline ultrasound came back fine with 14 follicles (9 on the right and 5 on the left) and the bloodwork came back ok with LH at 0.5 and estradiol at 116. The estradiol is high because I'm taking estrace for the estrogen priming. So, I start stims on Saturday and then our flight out on Wednesday.

This is the highest antral follicle count I've ever had, so I'm pretty happy about that, but based on my less than stellar IVF cycles 1 and 2, I'm not counting my chickens based on my eggs.

As for CCRM, I'm really surprised at how thorough they are. I have an ultrasound and bloodwork appt every single day that I'm in Colorado. But, after my morning appointment, I'm not sure what I'm going to do while I'm there for 2 weeks! I think I'm going to go stir crazy...I'm arming myself with the full seasons of Dexter, Mad Men, and Big Love (I specifically saved all the episodes to watch while in Denver) and I'm bringing along a whole bag full of books.

After living in NY for 5 full years, I haven't lived in cold weather for more than a few days at a time and only to go snowboarding. I really hope it's not too cold in Denver. I think I'll try to think of this as an adventure, braving the cold for our possible progeny!

What's the 411?

2011-01-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

Well, AF was right on time and she arrived yesterday. Strangely enough, though, without any of the usual pre-notification spotting. Don't know what to make of it, but I won't dwell on it, let's just get this show on the road.

We have confirmed plans -- finally. Our schedule is like this:

1/7 - first ultrasound and bloodwork
1/8 - begin stims
1/11 - second ultrasound and bloodwork
1/12 - flight to Denver!

I can't believe we're already doing this. It seemed like January was so far away when we were doing the planning, but here we are 2011.

Based on our discussions with Dr. Sur, we will be pushing to Day 5 no matter what. I sincerely believe that CCRM's lab is good enough that if they don't survive to Day 5 in the lab, they wouldn't have survived in my ute. Also, this way we have a chance of doing some testing if the embryos make it and/or if they don't. Either way we'd get some answers.

I can't even begin to express how scared I am to move forward with this IVF cycle. I've been trying to stay calm, but the closer I get to actually starting the stims, the more anxious I am. I can't even say that I'm excited...more petrified than anything else. I wish I could say that I am hopeful or excited or even happy, but I can't. I'm just downright scared, more scared than I've been in a very long time.

I really feel that we've done all we can to prepare for this cycle. I've researched. I've taken supplements. I've cut back on exercise and increased my food intake. I've done it all and more, so please, please let this work.

2011

2011-01-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's already the new year! Doc and I spent the week in Tahoe snowboarding and skiing, hopefully, for the first and last time this season. The snow was amazing, probably the best I've seen this early in the season.

Now that we're back, I started my first shots last night of cetro.tide and started the estrace also. Oddly enough, just when I need AF to start, there's been no sight of her even though I'm on 12DPO...Usually I start spotting 10-11 days past O, but as life would have it, for the first time, I seem to have a full length luteal phase.

We can't even book our tickets yet to Denver until AF starts. I had anticipated having my usual 2-3 days of spotting so that I'd have early warning, but it doesn't appear to be working out that way. I'm so ready to get the ball started on this process. It feels like I've been waiting forever! I'm just hoping that 2011 holds some good news for us.

It's the End of the Year and I'm Annoyed

2010-12-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

Oh, I know you're supposed to be thinking about all the things that you're grateful for and tis the season to be happy and all of that, but I've also got my list of annoyances (probably should get ready for that lump of coal) that I'm going to put them down in writing. Why? Because I feel like it. Yeah, so take that, universe! But, to save you from reading miles of rants, I'm going to narrow it down to my top 3. That's my present to you -- I know, very generous.

1) I HATE vanity sizing (this is why this post is being written). I bought a pair of jeans at Costco (yes, sometimes I buy my clothes at Costco -- this is a post for another time). A pair of Levi's jeans that looked nice and so seeing as I couldn't try them on, I bought them in my typical size 8. Now, I've worn a size 8 for as long as I can remember, however, I've noticed in the past 3 years or so that the size 8s in the stores are loose. But hey, a size 8 is a size 8, right? So, I get them home, try them on and they're freaking huge...like clown pants and now I have to go back to Costco, during the holiday season, and return these bozo-sized pants so I can get a size 6. I go back, return them, fight the crowds and come home with my size 6 and low and behold these are big, too! The ass sags like I need more junk in my trunk and trust me, no more junk is needed. So, here I am having to make yet another Costco run to get a SIZE 4?! Who are these people trying to fool -- I am NO size 4. I haven't been a size 4 since freshman year in high school. If I'm a size 4, how do people that are skinnier than I am ever find clothes?! Where do all the size 0s go? What is going on in this world? I hate shopping and now I hate it even more (fist shakes in air for emphasis)!

2) I HATE my gym. Ok, that's a pretty broad statement...so let me explain. I used to go to a gym that I loved, but it was costing me $96 per month. When we began doing IF treatments, I realized I wouldn't be going as much, so I left that gym and went to stank-ass-cheap-crappy gym which now costs me less than $10 per month (with my 3 year contract). This gym sucks. I always have to wait for equipment and no one wipes their sweat. But, the two most annoying aspects of the gym: no one freakin' RACKS their weights. Fuckers, please, rack your weights! I don't want to throw out my back because I have to rack your 2000lbs off the leg press. I'm a 130lb female...You're a 300lb male. If you put them on, you can put them back. The second most annoying thing is the music. For the love of god, please, please turn down the gym music. Almost everyone brings their own music and I DO NOT want to listen to 50 cent rap about bitches and hos while trying to run to Eye of the Tiger...They do not mix. There was no 50 cent in Rocky.

3) I HATE crappy drivers. I know everyone hates crappy drivers, particularly the reckless ones that drive like their in some kind of NASCAR race, but even more than that I hate the slow, clueless drivers. The ones that drive in the left lane at 50 miles per hour with their blinkers on and I hate to say it because these are my peeps, but man, Asians are bad drivers, particularly old Asians. They will drive 40 miles per hour on the freeway in the left lane chatting with their compadre completely oblivious to the fact that there are 60 cars behind them tailing their ass. And then out of the blue, they'll cross over 4 lanes of freeway traffic, cutting off the entire world, to make their exit because they've been chatting with their fellow Asian passengers. Sadly, I believe my mother is one of these people....*sigh*

Oh, and the list could go on and on, but I won't inundate you with any more of my nonsensical rants. The holidays are here and we're supposed to be happy and stuff, so now that I've gotten all this off my chest, I can put on my happy face and go out into the world to spread cheer and all that other crap. Buh-bye!

So Many What Ifs

2010-12-17T08:46:00.000-08:00

I know that we haven't even started the stims yet, but I'm ~~always~~ already thinking about the "what ifs." So, in my infinite need for information I've been reading/lurking adoption blogs.

See, we've decided (or at least almost decided) that this time will be the last IVF. If it doesn't work, I'm not willing to go through this again. Although the travel hasn't been too bad for me, it's been a logistical nightmare for Doc because of his schedule, patients, etc.. In addition, CC.RM is not cheap by any means and the more we spend on this, the less money we have for any alternatives and for the house that we'd eventually like to purchase (once we sell our current home).

Enter into the picture: International Adoption. I think I mentioned in prior posts that we've been attending adoption seminars and we've decided on an agency to go with if IVF #3 doesn't have a happy ending. We'll definitely be adopting from Korea. Currently, the time from when you submit your paperwork (i.e., dossier) to referral is approximately 6-9 months and then from there it seems like another 6-9 months for the travel call.

When we initially began to talk about the possibility of adoption, I was incredibly depressed and wasn't sure if I'd be fully able to accept an adopted child. Would I be able to love that child as much as I would a biologicial child? Would I continue to mourn my inability to have a baby? Would I cling to some hope that maybe I'd get pregnant and would that overshadow my ability to love? Would everyone see adopting as a red flag announcing my infertility to the world?

But, as I thought about it more and talked with Doc (who, by the way, seems to have no issues with adopting) I realized that my ability and desire to love surpasses any biological bond. To be truthful, I may still be a bit sad that we never had the opportunity to have a child together, but being a parent and creating a family is far more important to me. And, at this point, I've come to realize that I really don't give a crap who knows about our IF.

I am so thankful that Doc is so supportive and I know that however we create our family, we are blessed and hopefully, next Christmas we'll have one additional member added (or soon to be added) to our party of two.

Happy Holidays from Perito Moreno Glacier (Patagonia, Argentina)

Signed, Sealed and Delivered

2010-12-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

Relief...CC.RM got our blood work and all is ok in the world. We finally got it right and just in time for the results to be in for our call with Dr. S tomorrow.

Now, all I have to deal with is Doc and his complaining about why CC.RM has to do all the testing at their labs. Just for his own personal validation, Doc ordered the same tests through the Big K lab, so we'll see how they compare to CC.RM's results. If they're similar, I'll never hear the end of it...

As for other things going on in my life, I've got a brunch date with my girlfriends this Sunday which I'm dreading because I haven't seen one of them since her wedding in July and I have a strong hunch that she might announce her pregnancy. Then I've got to put on my happy face while I try to hide behind my pancakes and hash browns.

On the happy side, my cold is finally getting better. After four long weeks, I can say that I am no longer hacking up a lung! Got to find the small joys in life if you're going to get through the day.

Let the Games Begin!

2010-12-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

FINALLY! The ball is starting to roll...We have our tentative calendar and we've already started our first round of meds.

The master plan as of today is to begin checking for ovulation. Ten days after my surge I start taking estradiol and add in cetrotide -- this is the estrogen priming part of the protocol. Then (hopefully), I'll get my period within a few days of that and I'll do my baseline ultrasound here, at home, on CD 3 and then my first monitoring ultrasound will also be done here. After that, on January 12th, I'll be in Denver for the rest of my cycle!

I'm so excited, but yet so stressed!! I have a million questions that I've been piling up to ask Dr. S and luckily, we have a follow-up with him on Wed, so I'll get to ask him all my questions and hopefully, get some answers. In the meantime, I've been emailing my nurse everyday. I'm sure she loves me...

Grabbing At Straws?

2010-12-07T09:57:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm going a bit nuts and just pulling at anything for an explanation, but I'm beginning to consider the possibility that I might have endo. I don't have any of the typical symptoms. My periods are light. I've never had experienced any substational cramping with my cycles. So, one would not think that I have endo. However, I've read that many unexplained IF cases are caused by endo that has no symptoms AND asians are more prone to have endo.

I was actually dissuaded by both Doc and all of my REs from doing a laparoscopy to diagnose endo because 1) I had no symptoms, 2) since I had no symptoms, if I did have endo it would be very mild and probably not the cause of IF, and 3) lap is surgery. Actually #3 is Doc's main argument against doing a lap. He is a strong proponent of not doing surgery if it's not absolutely necessary. Bad things can come of doing surgery -- like adhesions, infections, etc. and if it's not necessary, why open yourself up to those things.

So, I have a question for y'all...did you have a laparoscopy as part of your diagonistics even if you showed no signs of endo? If so, did you find any endo? If not, why didn't you have a lap?

I Dream of Colorado

2010-12-06T10:52:00.000-08:00

Now that we're back, I've had to face reality again which includes all the joys of infertility and IVF. Since we screwed up the Day 3 blood work sample back in October, we have to get it right this time around so that we can start the cycle in January, but as you know nothing is as easy or as straight forward as you anticipate.

We had a tentative plan scheduled based on my cycle starting next week, but I "think" due to the travels and my cold, my cycle was way shorter than I expected. I've started spotting already and that usually leads to AF showing up within the next couple of days. I'm a little worried about how this will affect our tentative schedule and whether they'll be able to fit me in for January. See...this would not be much of an issue IF we had our Day 3 blood work submitted. I would have already finalized our protocol with Dr. S and everything would be ready to go, but because we screwed up, things are still in limbo!

The only thing that has been finalized (we still need to book hotel, flights, etc.) is that I'll be reducing my work hours beginning January. I'll be completely honest with you and say that my work is not stressful by any means, but I think that having some more time to myself will really be beneficial to me. I just want some time to rest, relax and recup. So, I've worked it out with my boss and I'll be working only 3 days a week.

With all the IVF stuff finally ramping up, I can honestly say that I'm really excited, but at the same time I'm petrified. Part of me doesn't even want to start down the IVF #3 road...This is probably our final attempt with IVF which means that if this doesn't work, we'll have to seriously consider other options, which would also mean coming clean to everyone about our IF. Just the thought of going down that road exhausts me.

Vacation Redux

2010-12-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

I had an awesome time in South America although I'm still recovering from a cold...We experienced it all in a matter of two weeks: ice, sleet, snow, winds, humidity, sun, and sand. And, although I'm sad that our vacation is over, at the same time, I'm relieved to be back at home, in my own bed with all the comforts of home.

So, we started out in by flying from SFO to Miami and then from there to Buenos Aires, Argentina. Supposedly the "Paris of South America," but the only similarity that I could find was the plethora of dog poop on the streets. I had such high expectations and I was a bit disappointed with the city.

We spent two days there and then hightailed it to El Calafate (Southern Patagonia). This is where we went glacier hiking (picture below of the glacier). It was an amazing experience and the scenery was straight out of a National Geographic mag.

From here, we took a three-hour bus ride to El Chaltan to hike the Andes Mountains. We spent three days hiking and unfortunately, the weather is known to be very, very inhospitable. So, those three days were spent trekking in the sleet, snow and gale-force winds. Between the cold and the travel, I ended up catching a pretty bad cold which I'm still recovering from.

Our next stop was Iguazu Falls in both Argentina and Brazil. What can I say...it was beautiful, amazing, and very humid. Talk about a change in weather

And our final stop, what I feel was the highlight of our vacay was Rio. I had heard so many rumors about how dangerous the city was and how it was unsafe to roam the streets after dark, but we experienced none of that. The city is gorgeous. It has the white beaches of Copacabana and Ipanema and is surrounded by green mountains on which you can see the Christ the Redeemer statue. We had a couple of days to unwind here, before heading back home.

Note: All pics were taken by moi! I guess some of the photography classes are actually paying off. :)

Back To Reality

2010-12-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

I've returned! I'm back from South America...tired, jet-lagged and recovering from a cold.

In my state of post-vacation-zombie mode, I've only had a chance to catch up on a few blogs, and I can't believe the fantastic news!!! Low Fat Lady is knocked up and so is Venting Vagina! I'm so happy for them. It's so great to come back to such great news!

I will post more about my vacation and my adventures in glacier-hiking, mountain trekking and beach combing, but I first need to catch up on some much needed sleep.

I hope everyone had a thoroughly awesome Thanksgiving.

A Room With A View

2010-11-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've been doing mucho research on IVF and things that may be able to help me in the upcoming cycle, but I also wanted to acknowledge all that Doc has done for our cycles, so in honor of his hard work, I give you Doc's ratings.

Every time we do an IVF or IUI cycle, I ask Doc what "materials" they had on-site to help him in his manly endeavors. It's our (or my) way of getting some laughs out of the otherwise fairly stressful event. He's has been to five separate clinics and tested out five different sets of materials and here is his summary:

Clinic #1: This was his first clinic and he wasn't sure what to expect. But he came back with a thorough report...Room was a closet with very thin walls where he could hear all the conversations being held in the main office area. So, although there was a TV and DVD player with a fairly good selection of material, he didn't want to turn on the TV, lest someone here the "noises" coming from his closet. It took him longer than he expected because of the distracting conversations outside from the nurses discussing what they were going to eat for lunch, made it difficult to concentrate on his manly duties. Overall Rating: Thumbs Down.
Clinic #2: Same clinic. Different office. This one was a little bit better and he was a bit more prepared for what to expect. He proudly relayed that he did his duties in record time and was out the door before the morning traffic started to back up. Overall Rating: Thumbs Up.
Clinic #3: This was for our first IVF cycle. Again, similar materials...DVDs and magazines. He gave me a more detailed account of the materials at this clinic. Seeing as we live in the Bay Area and we have a diverse community, the DVD selection reflected the "equal opportunity" sentiment and thus included everything from "Asian Babes" to "Hispanic Hotties." Doc liked the fact that they were so nondiscriminatory and catered to the broad tastes of their clients, so he gave this clinic a Thumbs Up!
Clinic #4: This one made Doc go "huh?". And, once he relayed his report back to me, I was a bit puzzled, too. They seemed to cater to the Asian Persuasion. As in everything, all materials, were Asian-centric and the room was actually named....The Zebra Room with name plate and matching zebra decor. Now, I know that our area of the country has it's fair share of Asians, but I'm not sure that having only Asian materials really does it for every man. But, then I started to think, perhaps, they have themed rooms because they have specific materials for each room. Zebra Room -- Asians; Tiger Room -- Caucasian; Gazelle Room -- Hispanics...you get the picture. But, then how do they know which room the man would prefer? Do they go by the race of the wife? The race of the man? Or just the vibes that the man gives? All in all, very strange and a bit too overboard...Just give the man a room, a porno mag, and a cup. MY rating: Thumbs Down.
Clinic #5: Well, this one was also a bit weird. Doc compared it to a scene from Mission Impossible. He was told to go downstairs to the basement, using the elevator and then to pick up the phone from the wall. The person on the phone would then meet him and direct him to "the room," where he would complete his mission. He was then told to call again to confirm the completion of the mission. As for the materials, Doc was a bit disappointed about the selection. Their commitment to diversity was sorely missing (obviously, not the Bay Area) and he was not very impressed with their magazine selection. Overall Rating: Thumbs Down.

Hopefully, this next round will be his final tour of duty and he'll be able to retire. He's been a trouper and I appreciate his willingness to sacrifice for the cause. :)

11 Days and Counting

2010-11-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

Less than 2 weeks until we leave for our South America vacay. I'm pretty excited about visiting SA, but Doc is beyond excited. This will be my first time to South America and Doc's second time (he's been to Peru and Venezuela).

We'll be leaving on Saturday the 13th and staying until December 1st. We fly from SFO to Miami, where we have a overnight stay (we did this to break up the long ass flight) and then from there we fly non-stop to Buenos Aires. Even with the layover, the travel time will be long and painful, but to make myself feel better, I always compare my flight times to when we went to South Africa...Hands down, the most painful 48 hours.

Doc loves to plan vacations, so we rarely ever do the typical "canned" tourist itinerary. He books all our plane flights, hotels, activities, everything...He even packs my passport for me so all I need to do is pack my clothes! This time we're starting out in Buenos Aires, Argentina and then flying down to the southern part of Argentina, to Patagonia where we'll spend several days hiking.

Since Patagonia is very close to Antarctica, we'll be hiking on glaciers and the weather will be pretty chilly. One of the highlights of our trip will be going to El Calafate. Supposedly, it's one of the most beautiful places to visit in the Argentinian Patagonia.

Our next stop after Patagonia will be Uruguay to visit Iguazu Falls, one of biggest waterfalls in the world. I'm not sure if I'm going to do this, but supposedly, you can take a raft/boat very close to the base of the waterfall and experience it up close, in person. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough for that.

And then, lastly, we'll spend the final days of our vacation in Brazil. Lying on the beach, relaxing until it's time to come home and get back to reality.

Hopefully, this will give me the break I need from all the TTC stress and leave me refreshed to start IVF #3 in January!

The Flip Side Of Life

2010-10-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

My life revolves around IF 90% of the time, but the other 10% of the time is spent thinking about other things, most notably, selling our current house and moving. This has been a major goal for both Doc and I since we got married. At first it was because we wanted to move into a better neighborhood with better schools for our soon-to-be children (insert mock laughter here), but now, it's just to get our of our 'hood.

Not that our 'hood is all that bad. It's a tract house in a relatively new development, but like a lot of new housing developments, the quality of the residents have gone downhill since Doc bought the place back in 2002. Many of the homes have foreclosed and the new neighbors are not all that friendly nor are they very considerate of their fellow residents. Add that to the fact that although the house is a comfortable 1700 sq ft most of that space is in the 4 bedrooms, of which, we only use 2 and the remainder of the house (i.e., kitchen, living room, dining room) is pretty small and can fit a max of about 10 adults comfortably. And then lastly, there is NO backyard. This was a plus when Doc was living by himself, a lazy bachelor with better things to do on the weekends than prune a yard, but now, we'd like to spend a nice evening BBQ with friends and family, but have no where to do it!

But, wait that's not all! We also have a condo that is currently underwater...My condo, the one that I proudly owned when I was living single. The one that I now regret even thinking about buying. *sigh*

So, with that, we have two properties with mortgages totaling over $800K that are both underwater. We'd like to move into a neighborhood further in the 'burbs that has nice, wide tree-lined streets and friendly neighbors. We've saved quite a bit of money, but not enough to put down 20-30% on a new house AND also pay off whatever mortgage (the amount currently underwater) we'd have remaining on our house and our condo after selling them because God knows we wouldn't get what we paid.

I know I shouldn't complain, but sometimes you just have to. I keep telling Doc that maybe we should consider leaving the Bay Area and move to Nebraska or Illinois or anywhere else besides the Bay because everywhere else (with the exception of NYC) is probably cheaper. But, then I think about the weather (I HATE humidity) and I think about leaving family and I think about living where you can't find a good taco truck to save your life and forget about eating Ethopian food or dim sum or never getting a good bowl of pho and I realize that I should just shut up because I'm never leaving.

Those Genes Look Great On You!

2010-10-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

One of the fancy services that CC.RM offers is PGS, otherwise known as Preimplantation Genetic Screening. This type of screening counts chromosomes and tests for certain genetic conditions, thereby confirming whether or not your embryos are chromosomally normal.

So, under this umbrella term of PGS, there are more specific types of testing, like FISH, CCS, and microarray. FISH typically screens for 9 chromosomes and is done on Day 1 after the retrieval (some clinics do this test on Day 3). A small sample of the embryo is taken, tested, and then if the results are normal, the embryos are transferred during that cycle.

CCS, the other testing that CC.RM does, is much more comprehensive. The testing is done on all 23 chromosomes, with the sample taken from the embryo on Day 5 after the retrieval (the embryos must make it to blastocysts for the test to occur). The embryos are then frozen and you wait anywhere from 2-4 weeks for the test results. The transfer is done as a frozen embryo transfer typically about 8 weeks after the retrieval.

Genetic testing is usually recommended for those couples who are either older than 37, have had multiple failed IVFs or who have had multiple miscarriages. Although Dr. S did not recommend this for us, Doc and I are almost positive that we'll go through with it. Our reasons are:

1) We'll be able to determine if this is an egg quality issue. If we get no normal embryos, this will probably be our last IVF cycle.
2) Success with CCS testing is above 70% (considering the group that typically uses CCS testing, this is awesome).
3) Many times your best looking embryos are not your chromosomally normal embryos, so if we have more than two embryos that survive, we want to know which ones will win the Darwinian race.

Alright, so enough of the science lesson for today.

I'm anxious to get this show on the road! Hopefully, with our South American vacay and the holidays coming up, the days will fly by until January.

Year of the Rabbit

2010-10-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

I know this is going to sound like a whole lot of hocus-pocus and I wasn't going to write this because, ya know, who wants to sound like an old superstitious Asian lady, but what the hell...I'm already half-way there.

About 6 months into our TTC ordeal, I started seeing a Korean acupuncturist. At one of my sessions, he asked me questions about when I was born, when Doc was born, what time we were born, etc.. At the end of the questioning, he told me that we'd most likely have a baby in the year of the rabbit. Now, at that time, it was July 2009 and the year of the rabbit is 2011. I nearly flipped my lid! He was telling me that I had to wait 2 years for a baby.

Well, low and behold, 2011 is right around the corner and I can't help, but think if that prediction is true. Now he didn't say whether we'd conceive or birth in 2011, but our IVF is scheduled to start in mid-late January 2011, so retrieval would be early-mid February and transfer could be anytime after that depending on whether we do the chromosome testing or not. Lunar New Year is February 3, 2011.

I hate to think I've become *gasp* my mother, by believing in this stuff, but who knows? I've got to have some kind of hope to hold on to. At the very least, it's sort of interesting that I've come full circle and here I am facing 2011 and still no baby.

Welcome ICLW!

2010-10-20T08:56:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've joined ICLW. I confess that I needed a break from the blogs and the comments, but I'm back!

I'll start with an introduction to my journey and where I'll be headed in the next few months. Doc, my dear husband, and I have been married for three years and we've been TTC for almost 2 years. We spent our first year, just enjoying our newlywed status and traveling to Europe and Africa. In February of 2009, we decided to ditch the BCPs and start trying for our family. Like most people, we assumed that I'd be knocked up in a matter of a few months, but as the days roll by I notice something strange...my periods are very, very light and my luteal phase is only 8-9 days.

I report this to Doc and he says to just wait, sometimes it just takes awhile and most doctors won't even see you until you've been trying for at least 1 year. This is not a good answer. So, I take matters into my own hands, email my Ob/Gyn and tell a little white lie about how long we've been trying. She's very responsive, orders a few tests and then gets me an appointment with the RE at the Big-K HMO. I pass the tests with no real concerns and begin clomid.

Our plan is to do three rounds of IUI. So we do our first cycle of clomid with a nice big follicle, but very, very thin lining and no IUI because of the Thanksgiving holiday. Second round is letrazole with IUI. Again, one good follie, lining is still thin, so we supplement with estrogen which doesn't help much. Result: BFN. Third round is also a letrazole cycle with IUI. This time around, it takes me a long time to respond to the meds and thin lining again. Result: BFN.

Doc and I discuss matters and decided that we should go directly to IVF. According to the RE, she thinks we'll get knocked up on the first try. So, off we go. Based on our reaction to the meds, the new RE puts me on a BCP with an antagonist cycle. Unfortunately, the BCPs oversuppress me and I take almost 18 days to stim. From there, we retrieve 10 eggs with only 3 mature and 2 that fertilize. We decide to do a 2-day transfer of those 2 embryos which results in a BFN. The doc says that this ratio of mature: immature eggs is really rare and thinks our lack of mature eggs is due to the oversuppression, so he suggests we ditch the BCPs and try again.

For IVF #2, we head to another RE and he places us on a EPP (estrogen priming protocol) with a MDL cycle. We get almost identical results. 10 eggs retrieved, 2 are mature, 1 fertilized and 1 transferred at day 3. The result is a BFN. This time the RE suggests that it's an egg quality issue and that we should look into donor eggs.

So, for our last ditch effort, Doc and I are taking out the big guns. We're headed to CCRM and hoping that they can work their magic on us. We had our consultation with Dr. S and we've done our one day work up, so now it's just a waiting game until Jan 2011 to begin our cycle. We're most likely doing an EPP-antagonist cycle with CCS (comprehensive chromosome screening). Also, based on his recommendation, I've been taking DHEA prior to my cycle to help with egg quality. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Back In the Saddle

2010-10-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone for all your comments. I made it through the weekend without any more meltdowns and I'm back in the saddle again.

I spent most of this weekend reading about everything and anything associated with CC.RM. I don't think I mentioned this, but my RE at the Big K, told me the secret to CC.RM is their lab and more specifically, their embryologist, David Gard.ner. I guess, Scho.olcraf.t was able to lure DG all the way from Australia to work come and work for him. Prior to CC.RM, he did extensive research on animal embryos and used some of his knowledge and research from that on humans. He's also the one that first successfully did a blastocyst transfer and I guess all the embryo cultures that they now use in IVFs are all called Gard.ner something-or-other.

Anyway, I'm hoping that they'll be able to work they're magic on me.

The other part of my weekend was spent thinking about all the "what-ifs." What if we had gone directly to CC.RM after our failed IVF #1? What if we had started TTC immediately after we got married instead of waiting a year? What if this cycle doesn't work? What if an alien snatched my body and then was able to get pregnant?

So, now, after all that thinking and over use of my brain, I can barely function on this glorious Monday and I'm counting the minutes until I can get out of here. Oh, and AF is now here.

This Is My Life

2010-10-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

I had to write again because I'm beyond frustrated and I'm mad. No, wait a minute...I'm FUCKING mad! I just don't get it. I want to go around screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?"

At least give me a freaking answer...Endometriosis? Bad eggs? Too old? PCOS? But, this shit...Giving me a "great" cycle (four fucking mature eggs, a sperm count that according to the RE was "donor" material, an awesomely thick lining and a stellar ovulation) all to end in another BFN is almost more than I can take.

I'm so sick of it! I want a diagnosis. I want a fucking explanation. I just want out of this vicious circle of hope and pain.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Another BFN

2010-10-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yes, I caved in and tested this morning even though I was supposed to wait until Sunday. I'm not surprised, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit disappointed. I think even though I knew that the likelihood of this IUI working was pretty low based on my other tries, there was a small part of me that thought, maybe, just maybe there would be a miracle.

Well, I guess the good news in all of this is that we don't have to cancel our trip to South America. We're leaving in one month and we'll be gone for a little over two weeks. We also have a cabin booked in Tahoe for the time between Christmas and New Years, so I'll be able to get in some last minute snowboarding before the our final IVF.

Between the IUI and prepping for the IVF, we've also been busily attending adoption seminars. Although there have been "threats" by the Korean government to halt all international adoptions by 2012, there hasn't been any real follow through, so most of the agencies I've talked to say that they're not worried. I guess the Korean government does this every few years, but never really follows through.

The unfortunate thing about adoption is that the entire process, even if it's done quickly still takes close to 1.5-2 years and anywhere from $20-$25K. The home study takes approximately 6 months. The wait for a match takes another 4-6 months (it may be a little bit shorter for us because we are of "Korean Heritage"). And then the longest and most painful part is the wait to travel and pick up your child, that takes 10-12 months, primarily because of all the logistics around immigration and visas.

I'm just hoping and praying that our IVF in Jan/Feb will work. I'm not sure how much more IF I can take.

Uber-Emo

2010-10-11T08:28:00.000-07:00

Mondays are so difficult. It's just so hard to wake up and get going. Also, I think the progesterone is making things worse. I'm that much more groggy and just not feeling pleasant in general.

At this moment, I'm also super emotional. Typically, I'm the exact opposite. I'm the type of person that never cries in movies. I detest chick flicks. I scoff at others when they weep over a sad story and tell them to grow some cojones. But, last night I was watching 60 Minutes and they did a story on Nelson Mandela with excerpts of letters that he wrote while in prison. The letters were so strong and wise and sad...And before I knew it, I was tearing up.

I'm 7dpiui, so I have another week to go. I have another appointment scheduled with my RE today. I don't quite know what she's looking for, but she told me to come in 7dpiui, so I'm going in. Anyone have any clue as to why she'd want to do another ultrasound on me 7dpiui?

As for testing, I'm not all that excited by it. Actually, I'm dreading it. I really don't want to see another single lined test. It such a crappy feeling and I'd like to avoid it at all costs. So, I'm hoping that AF will just show her head and I can avoid having to take "the test."

Dawn of the Dead

2010-10-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like a zombie today -- straight out of a George Romero movie. Have I ever mentioned that I love zombie movies? Anyway, that's another story for another time. Today's topic is my ovaries.

Why do I feel like a zombie, you ask? Well, because I got very little sleep last night due to my ovaries cramping like a mofo. I have no makeup on and right now, I'm trying to figure out what my purpose is for the day (other than venting to you good folks).

The reason for the cramping? I had four nice, big juicy follicles which I think ovulated all at once. I did my trigger on Sunday morning and the IUI on Monday morning. At the time of the IUI, the right side was 21mm and the left side had three at 19.2, 20.6, and 22. With a lining of (drum roll, please): 9.1 without any estrogen supplements.

By far this has been my best cycle. I've never had a lining that thick without additional help and I've never reacted so well to the meds (even during my IVF cycles). Doc and I have been trying to figure out why, and we think it might be the combination of me eating more (I'm finally up to 1,800 calories/day) and the DHEA and maybe the herbs prescribed by my acu.

Whatever it is, I'm glad that something is happening in the right direction. Both Doc and I don't have high hopes for this cycle, but we are happy that we went for it because now we know that something I'm doing is working, so we just keep doing like we're doing.

Now, if I could just get through these cramps, I'd be a happy camper.

Crap...

2010-10-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

I'm so pissed! Where do I even start?!

Ok, so the story goes like this. CCRM requires that we do a CD 3 blood draw and send them the frozen sample (overnight, packaged in dry ice) so that they can do the tests in their labs. Which is fine with me. However, Doc insisted that (to save a bit of money) we not use their package, which came with the shipping paid for and the dry ice, but create our own package.

So, I agreed and we spent several hours calling all over town to find out no one, no where sells dry ice. We end up giving in and purchasing a dry ice shipping package online from a separate retailer. So far, so good.

CCRM provides us with detailed instructions on how to do the blood draw and how to separate the SERUM from WHOLE BLOOD. Mind you, I think that serum and whole blood are the same thing.

Doc and I go through the painstaking process of making sure the dry ice is ok and that the packaging is secure and everything will stay frozen because CCRM will not accept the sample if it has melted. We rearrange our freezer to make room for the blood. Doc talks to the Big-K phlebotomists to make sure they can do the draw for us and centrifuge the blood (as directed).

Alright, so on CD 3, I make my way down to the lab. I get the blood drawn, centrifuged in red-capped tubes (just like the instructions say). I carry the precious cargo in a cooler back home, freeze it and then we package it up the next day to ship overnight to CCRM.

The next morning I call CCRM and find out that we f***ing did it wrong. They want the serum only, separated in its own separate tube with the rest of the crap thrown away. Not knowing the difference between serum and whole blood, Doc and I thought separating and keeping them in the same tube was all that was needed.

Now, we have to do this all over again. M****f*$&er.

15!

2010-09-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

First, I want to give a huge hug and a happy dance to Sienna from It's Baby Time. I'm so happy for her and she's given me hope!!

Ok, on to my second piece of news...I have 15 follicles! I'm doing an IUI cycle right now as we wait to do our third round of IVF in January. So, I go in this morning for my CD 7 ultrasound after having taken letra.zole from CD 3 - CD 7 and I find out that I have 15 follicles growing with the largest at 14, 12, and 11. I have never (in any of my cycles) responded so well and so early. It took me completely by surprise. Unfortunately, my lining is pretty thin at 4.1, but they can always put me on estrodial and I respond ok to that.

So, something must be working! Right now, I'm on 75mg of DH.EA and chinese herbs, and I've increased my caloric/fat intake. So, I'm thinking that one or all of the above must have contributed to my better response.

Now, I'm not getting my hopes up by any means, but I am happy that things are going in the right direction and I hope they stay that way, so when IVF #3 comes around I'll also be lucky enough to get 15 nice follies.

Q&A

2010-09-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

Sienna from It's Baby Time has bestowed me with the honor of a Q&A chain letter. Since I always think it's fun to find out about bloggers, I thought I'd torture you with some facts about moi.

(1) what is your dream occupation?

Without a doubt, I have two dream occupations and they're sort of related. I would be a professional snowboarder. Travel all over the world to different places, shoot Warren Miller films, and spend my days snowboarding in fresh powder. Which leads me to my second dream job, to work for a travel company or travel magazine which pays me go anywhere in the world. That would be the life!

(2) what is the best dish that you can cook?

Well, I enjoy baking more than I enjoy cooking, so I'd say that the best thing that I make is a stawberry cream cake...sort of like the ones that you buy in the Asian bakeries. It's like a sponge cake with very light, fluffy frosting and lots of fruit. I also make a mean pumpkin cheesecake.

(3) have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? what for?

Once. At the age of 4, I was in a local parade and had my picture taken for the local newspaper.

(4) what's the worst and/or most memorable job you've ever had?

OMG...where to start? I've had so many jobs, but probably the most memorable was my summer job before my senior year in high school. I worked at a marine theme park in the guest services booth. We handled everything from customer complaints to lost children. I got paid $4.25/hour and discovered that my strengths did not lie in customer service.

(5) when you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? how old were you in reality when you got married?

I really had no "visions" regarding marriage nor did I have a personal timeline. I guess I just sort of assumed that I'd be married by 27 (that's when my mom got married) and I'd have children sometime after that. In reality, I got married at 32, and now, here I am at 35.

(6) what's your most hated household chore? what's your favorite?

I hate cleaning the bathtub/shower because it's such a pain in the ass. It's unwieldy, my backaches after bending over and I always, always end up soaked. Luckily, early on in our marriage, Doc and I agreed we'd have someone come every couple of weeks to clean our house. Saves our sanity, time and marriage.

(7) what's your earliest memory?

I have a terrible memory, so probably my earliest memory is when I was about 4 years old and visiting relatives in Korea. I remember my grandparents' house, my cousins, and vaguely remember eating lots of chocoloate.

I'm not sure how many blogs I'm supposed to pass this along, too, but I hereby bequeath Geo Chick at Adventures of a Dam Engineer with this Q&A chain letter.

The Other Option

2010-09-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it?! This is post 101. I never realized that I had that much to say about any topic and yet, somehow I managed to write one hundred and one posts.

Well, this calls for a celebration, so the topic of this post is not about IVF, but about "the other option." For Doc and I, that is adoption. I'm not sure if a year ago I would have given this another thought, but now that I'm going on IVF #3, this option is a very real reality.

We've attended a couple of sessions hosted by homestudy agencies in our area that specialize in international adoption. During these sessions, we learned a lot about the adoption process and all the details involved. The basic details are that it'll cost anywhere from $20K - $30K and can take anywhere from 12-36 months. There are several parties involved in an international adoption: the homestudy agency, the placing agency, the government, and us. Since we're looking only at Korea, we would also have to pass all the country specific restrictions.

So, how did we get here? I think both Doc and I realized that we needed to have a back-up plan in case this IVF #3 did not work. Although both of us would love to have a biological baby, we both agree that even more than that we want a family and we want to enjoy that family while we're still relatively young.

The other factor is both the emotional and economic tolls that IVF takes on you. I'm not sure if we're willing to go through it again if this IVF cycle doesn't work. We're not ruling out #4, but it's definitely not a given.

So all this being said, knowing that we have a "back up" plan, gives me a partial peace of mind and gives me hope that maybe in 2011, we'll have a +1 one way or another.

Another CD 1

2010-09-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

So, where should I start? Lots of things have been going on. Some that are ok, others that are not so ok. But, let's start with the ok news.

It's CD 1 and I'm ok with that because I knew that this cycle would be a no-go. I had my hysteroscopy on CD 10 of my last cycle and since I wasn't allowed to have any type of babymaking for one week after, I knew there was very, very little chance that I'd be knocked up. So, along with this CD 1 comes a fresh cycle to try, yet again, and this time we're doing an IUI cycle with letra.zole and meno.pur. I know the chances of this working are slim (if that), but there's still a bit of hope.

In addition to the IUI blood work that I have to do, I'm also doing some CD 3 blood work for CCRM and since they require that they do the testing, I've got to freeze my blood in my freezer (right next to the ice cream and frozen pizza) and then ship it off to them with dry ice. I don't know how I feel about having my blood in my freezer, seems sort of...well, unhygenic and biohazardous and just plain gross, but what can you do. I'll just add it to the evergrowing list of shit I had to do to get pregnant.

Ok, so on to the not-so-ok stuff...My SIL is pregnant with baby #2, she has officially lapped me twice and she got pregnant while she was still breastfeeding. This is my SIL, who is married to Doc's younger brother and although I'm happy that I'll have another nephew/niece to spoil, it still glaringly emphasizes the fact that I am INFERTILE. I know everyone in Doc's family is wondering why we're not pregnant (only his older bro knows about our IF treatment) so the fact that my SIL is pregnant just brings this question up to the forefront. Sucks.

Another Day, Another Test

2010-09-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

After having 2 IVFs, you would think that I would have had every possible test done related to sex hormones, but no, there are still more and more!

Any of you ladies ever have a mammogram? I had my first one day last week since CC.RM requires all patients, ages 35+, to have a mammogram. It's terrible. Not really painful, but very awkward and just all around, a pain in the ass. And then to top it off, all the techs were confused as to why a 35 year old was getting a mammogram, so they had to confirm with a few supervisors on whether it was ok to go ahead with the x-rays. Good news was that everything was a-ok.

Second test was to check my AMH levels. Suprisingly, out of all the tests that I've had done, I haven't had this done yet. So, blood was drawn and my levels were tested and I came back with a 0.8. According to a few sites, average starts at 1 and 0.8 is low-average which corresponds with all my other tests and my AFC. So, no big surprise there. Basically, the number is supposed to tell you how fertile you are, similar to FSH.

So far, things have been going pretty smoothly. Doc and I have been pretty happy with Dr. S and CC.RM, in general. However, (there's always a however) I'm not too thrilled with our nurse. She's very friendly and responsive, but I don't think she really thinks thoroughly before responding to us and she doesn't seem to know anything beyond what's "in-the-manual." In the couple of times we've talked to her, she's provided us with the wrong info and we've had to follow-up and ask if she could double-check. Doc has suggested that we request a different nurse, but I'm willing to work with her for a couple more months and if the mistakes still occur.

Updates!

2010-09-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

My apologies, again, for my long hiatus. There really hasn't been much going on with ART for the past couple of months, so I've been trying to place the focus on other areas of my life.

Well, anyway, you're not here to read my excuses for being a delinquent blogger and I am here to provide details! Over the Labor Day weekend, Doc and I headed out for four fun-filled days in Denver. Our trip to CCRM was turned into a mini-vacay, so we spent one day going to the Taste of Colorado festival and touring downtown Denver. Then on Sunday, we went to Mt. Evans and drove the highest paved rode in North America. And, on Monday, we hiked in Rocky Mountain National Park. By far, the highlight of those three days was the hike in RMNP. It's beautiful! Anyone going to CCRM, should really take the two-hour drive from Lone Tree and visit.

I have to say, the elevation in Denver kicked my butt! I was constantly dehydrated and hiking the short 4 mile trail had me weezing and panting. Not to mention, no matter how much lotion I slathered on my body, I still ended up with alligator skin. And to think, I thought the Bay Area was arid!

Anyway, for our last day in Denver, we did our one-day workup at CCRM. To say the clinic is big is an understatement. It's huge and they have their processes down! Our schedule was waiting for us as soon as we walked in and we started the day.

It was really impressive how smoothly everything went. The appointments were all on time and everyone was very helpful, friendly and professional. Our schedule was packed from 9am - 2:30pm with a 30 minute break for lunch. All the tests were run and everything came back clear! They even did a doppler to check the blood flow through each ovary.

We spoke with Dr. S at the very end of our day and he basically told us that we should think of this IVF as our "first" real IVF because the last two were like trial runs. He will be placing me on an antagonist estrogen priming protocol, starting the estrogen one full cycle before my IVF cycle. He's also looking at having me take DHEA to improve egg quality. Based on my issue with egg maturity, he'll also have me stim for an additional day or two AND give me a combo lupron-HCG trigger rather than just an HCG trigger.

CCRM also provides the ability to do genetic screening on your embryos. Doc and I will probably do this if we have more than 4 blastocysts, but that's getting way ahead of ourselves since we've never had more than 2 fertilized embryos.

After our trip, I have a wee bit of hope starting to grow. Between now and January, when we plan to do the IVF, I'll continue to go to acupuncture, take herbs and just prepare my body for our cycle. Keeping my fingers crossed that this is it!!

Long Time No See

2010-08-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a long time and I've been neglectful. My humblest apologies, but you see, there hasn't been much to write about. Since Doc and I are on a break and not doing any type of ART until probably the beginning of 2011, we've been on a slow boat to nowhere.

Unfortunately, this doesn't mean I haven't had any doctors appointments. On the contrary, I've actually been inundated with therapy appointments, acupuncture appointments, and blood tests. And IF has still been weighing heavily on our minds.

We have our 1-day workup with CCRM on Tuesday, Sept 7th, so we'll be flying out to Denver over the Labor Day weekend and checking out the town. At that time, I'll meet with Dr. S, do my bloodwork and get a hysteroscopy. Wow! Come to think of it, that's less than 2 weeks away! Where does the time go.

So, that's the latest...not much to see and not much to write about. I'll keep y'all posted on what comes out to the one-day!

Fear

2010-08-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get that feeling where you're so scared that you don't even want to take the next step? You'd rather just stay in your current state of "unknown" than move on to what may be success, but also may be failure. That's about where I am right now.

This IF sh** has got me in such a state of anxiety that I'm not even sure if I want to move on to CCRM and IVF #3. I know we will end up doing the IVF #3, but a small part of me doesn't want to. That small part wants to live in a state of ignorant bliss.

Crazy talk, right? Just about as crazy as paying some random man $15K to snatch my eggs, sperminate them, and then shove them right back in, while I pray to every god from Jehovah to Vishnu that I'm knocked up. Sucks.

CCRM

2010-08-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

We talked to the big guns yesterday and had our first consultation with CCRM. Dr. Surrey was great! He was the first doctor that we've talked to that actually offered some concrete recommendations to our last two protocols. All the rest of the docs have had some "wishy-washy" recs that they said were worth a try, but really weren't anything different from what we had done during our last two IVF cycles. Dr. S had a sense of humor and was very friendly. He was upfront and honest with us, but at the same time provided a glimmer of hope.

So, to get down to the nitty-gritty of what he recommended:

- Antagonist cycle with estrogen priming
- Longer stim, an additional day or two past the typical 18mm lead follicle
- HCG trigger + lupron (so I guess some women do not respond well to HCG as a means of maturing the egg. Dr. S. has had some success in these situations by giving a dose of lupron in addition to the HCG)
- Possible addition of human growth hormone (I'm thinking this is saizen)

I'll be flying out to Colorado in the next month or two to do a one-day work up and also meet with Dr. Surrey. After that, we'll probably schedule IVF #3 for sometime in the beginning of 2011.

And more good news! I did another round of bloodwork this cycle and just got my results back...My FSH is 7.9, down from 23 last month and my estradiol is at 34. I really think that last month was a random fluke and/or a bad test or maybe my FSH was still high from the IVF meds. Whatever it was, I now know to wait one month after an IVF to test my hormone levels.

Another Milestone

2010-07-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

Man! Has it really been over a week since I last posted? My humblest apologies for being so delinqent. You see, there really hasn't been much to write about. Since we're going au naturale this time around I haven't had any doctor drama or office visits to complain about. My biggest challenge has been to increase my caloric intake and not offset that by (literally) exercising my ass off.

Although I've been steadily increasing my food, I still am not consuming the 2000+ calories that the nutritioninst is recommending. Yes, you read that correctly...2000+. How the hell am I supposed to consume that much?! I really don't know. I've already gained 5 lbs since we started doing IVF and am now up to 130lbs at 5'6" and have stayed pretty much the same for the past few weeks. I'm scared to death of what may happen if I increase my calorie consumption to 2000. I will say I do love one side effect of gaining weight -- I'm not cold!! I don't have to wear sweaters in the middle of summer. Hallelujah!

I guess I could count the birthday cake that I'll be having tomorrow to my 2000 calories. Yep, I'm turning the big 3-5. I sincerely thought I'd be a mother by now. I even had the gall to think that we might be trying for number 2 around this time. Everytime I think of that, I think of this quote by Woody Allen: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." Well, I've learned my lesson and I'm not planning for anything, but I am hoping that this year will be better than last.

And Life Goes On

2010-07-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Wow! Has it really been almost a week since I last posted? Sorry about the delay, but there really hasn't been that much going on in my life. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

I am excited to report, though, that I had my first meeting with the eating disorder therapist and things went well. I think the most enlightening thing she told me was that 85% of anorexics don't meet the weight criteria of the current anorexia diagnosis. That is, 85% are in the "normal" BMI range, but have all of the other symptoms (psychological and physiologcial) that are associated with anorexia. I guess based on what doctors know now, they are planning on changing the criteria for anorexia and removing the weight criteria.

And for the first time since I've gone off of BCPs, my little ovulation monitor shows that I am ovulating on CD 15!! I've always been a late ovulator, typically on CD18 or later. I'm not sure if it's a fluke or the herbs I've been taking or the fact that I'm eating more, but I have to think that it's a good thing.

So, where do I go from here? Well, I'm meeting with a nutritionist and then with the therapist again. I'm slowly, but surely making progress and I'm hoping that this will help in some way with my IF. I'm not going to hold my breath and assume that this is going to cure everything, but I know it can't hurt.

Back To Square One

2010-07-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

I've come full circle and I'm back where I was almost one year ago. Back at my original RE who did my IUIs and my HSG and the one who told me that Doc and I had a 99% chance of getting pregnant through IVF. HA! Yeah right!

I have this love/hate relationship with this doctor (I'll call her Dr. Curt). Love because I think she's very smart and knows her stuff. Hate because she's always in a rush and this makes her curt (hence her name) and I think her nurses/staff are a bunch of dimwits. She works at the same HMO as Doc and I sort of understand her predicament. She's the only RE on staff and so she does everything for everyone who has an infertility issue.

Let me give you some perspective on how overworked these doctors are. Currently, Doc sees 13 patients in the morning and then 13 patients in the afternoon. That's 26 patients in a day -- 20 minutes per patient. That doesn't include having to do all the paperwork, telephone calls and emails. And God forbid if there's a late patient or someone who may require more than 20 minutes. So, I try to give Dr. Curt a break.

Anyway, I met up with Dr. Curt yesterday and she asked me how things were going and I told her I've done 2 IVFs and no pregnancies. Not even a chemical. Her reaction: complete and utter surprise. She insisted that we should have gotten pregnant by now, particularly with the success rates of the 1st IVF center we went to (their success rates are above 50%), and with the fact that I had decent embryos transferred back.

Her thought is that there's something going on with implantation. Maybe my uterus or lining? So, she's scheduled me for a hysteroscopy for next cycle. At that time, I'm also doing a freakin' slew of blood tests...again. She's determined to get me pregnant. Has anyone ever had a hysteroscopy? From what I've read, it sounds very unpleasant to put it mildly.

As for other things going on in my life, I've changed acupuncturists. I'm now going to a Chinese woman who seems very nice and has a wall full of baby pictures and thank yous. She's given me some herbal pills which I googled and seem to be consistent with what's ailing me. I'm also taking the metformin which initially did a number on my stomach, but now seems to be ok.

And, finally, next week is my first appointment with the eating therapist. I'm actually dreading this. I've had therapist appointments in the past and they didn't go so well because I'm absolutely terrible at talking about feelings and emotions. This has sometimes been an issue of contention between Doc and I because when I get upset, he wants to talk about it immediately and address the issue. I just want to get control of my emotions, mull over them, and then once I feel like I can handle a discussion, then I'll discuss. I just hate being emotionally poked and prodded. Ugh...

Trials and Tribulations

2010-07-09T09:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if this is national news or if it's just been a local preoccupation, but in the Bay Area we're on high alert because of the Johannes Mehserle trial.

Doc was on-call until 11pm last night at the ER and he'll be on-call for most of the weekend. Our office sent out an email yesterday telling everyone to go home early and avoid Oakland. Everyone has been avoiding downtown Oakland and a lot of people who usually take BART (which is the "subway" system for the Bay Area) have opted to either not go to work or to take an alternative mode of transport.

It'll be a tense weekend and I'll probably skip my usual jaunt down to the Oakland Farmer's Market. I feel bad for the store owners and other businesses that will suffer due to the unnecessary violence.

On another note, I met with SI.RM yesterday and had a long discussion with Dr. G. He had a different perspective on my situation. He's of the opinion that my issue is a hormonal problem and not necessarily a protocol problem and that I need to address/treat the underlying hormonal problem. He basically said that with a good lab and maybe some changes in protocol, I could possibly get a few more mature eggs, however it wouldn't address the uterine issue (i.e., thin lining) which is also probably related to the underlying hormonal issue and probably causing implantation problems.

When I asked about donor eggs, his opinion was that it was far too soon to do donor eggs and even if I did do donor eggs, seeing as I may have a uterine problem, there's no guarantee that they would implant. He really thinks I should take some time to do additionally testing and find out if/what my underlying hormonal issues are.

So, that being said, I did a bit more research and it appears that a lot of my symptoms are related to eating disorders and nutrition. Adding to that list, I'm now including low DHEA. I just got my tests back and I'm on the borderline/low end of normal. Low DHEA, low estrogen, low libido, fatigue, insulin resistance, bloating, constipation, light/no periods, low heart rate (my resting heart rate is below 50), very low blood pressure, always cold...It's all there.

Amazingly and strangely enough, I've actually LOST weight since I've stopped exercising and eating more. It's seems so counterintuitive, but the scale shows a loss of 4 lbs! It's really hard to believe. I've been making a conscious effort to eat when my body says it's hungry and not ignore the hunger pains. Prior to this, I would just drink a ton of water or go exercise and typically that would suppress the hunger.

Unfortunately, I think there's still a lot of work to be done because I still have this mindset of what/how much I can eat. It's just so hard to overcome and even though I've increased my food intake, I'm still not sure if it is enough. Am I full or am I just "mentally" full? I know that may sound strange, but I'm really having difficulties with it. I've led a certain lifestyle for so long, I think it's going to take a long time to undo the damage.

Tests Results

2010-07-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I couldn't think of a more interesting post title, although I was going to put "Going Insane." That about sums up what I'm feeling...

So I requested a bunch of tests from my ob/gyn and because I'm so impatient, I requested them done now instead of waiting a month and waiting for my hormones to normalize after this IVF cycle. What news did I get?

LH: 5.7
Estradiol: 36
Testosterone: still waiting

But the kicker...My FSH came out to be 23!! WTF! I have to imagine (hope) that this is because my hormones still haven't calmed down after all the injections. I've done the FSH test twice and the results have been 7 and 6. I can't believe that out of the blue it could skyrocket to 23!

And now for the encore kicker...my oral glucose tolerance testing level: 147! It should be below 120. My fasting glucose levels are normal, this shows diabetic levels. WTF?!

Sometimes it's just better off not knowing anything.

Something To Chew On

2010-07-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

I just finished talking to NO.VA in Palo Alto. They're a very small IVF shop, but people had pretty good things to say about the docs and about the level of service and personal attention.

I have to say that the doctor was very nice and I heard a few very interesting things. First off, he thinks that I can get pregnant with my own eggs. And second, he's seen this immature egg issue before several times and interestingly enough it's only been in asian women. He even said that as soon as he saw my paperwork and my IVF results, he assumed that I was of asian decent.

His protocol change recommendations were to switch to microdose HCG, regular lupron protocol, no menopur until the very end of the stims, and lastly stim for an additional 1-2 days past the typical day that they would do the HCG shot. He said that some women just have eggs that need to be stimmed a little longer.

Now, I'm not sure that I would end up going to this clinic, but talking to the doctor really put my mind at ease. As of now, I have 2 docs saying that there's still hope and only 1 doc saying it's time for DE. I have two more appointments to go, one with SIRM and another with CCRM, so I'm hoping that I'll hear good things back from them.

As for my other issue...I definitely ate more this weekend! For example, yesterday I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast and then for lunch/dinner I ate 5 ribs, some grilled veggies, half a cup of macaroni salad, some cherries, and a few cheese and crackers. That's a lot of food! :)

Thank you!

2010-07-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

I'm doing ok...Well, as good as can be considering the results. But as with all bad things, I realize that I can't dwell on this and I have to move on.

And I will move on, thanks to all of you and your kind words. When I started this blog, I had no idea what a huge part of my life it would become and all the wonderful, fabulous women I would meet. Sometimes I'm amazed how we even make it through each day. If I could, I'd go visit each and everyone of you and give you a huge, gigantic hug.

My next step will be to address my eating disorder (it feels so weird to write/say that). I've lived this way for so long, I don't know any other way to live. Every media outlet tells you, eat more veggies and fruit, eat less carbs and fat and exercise more. That's what I did. I just don't understand how they can say that and then tell me what I'm doing is wrong. I guess this is where the nutritionist and counselor come in to play.

I'll also be doing acupuncture and taking herbs. I'm meeting with a new TCM(traditional chinese medicine) doctor next week and I'm sure she'll have a lot to tell me.

And then lastly, I'll have to deal with my mother. She's coming back from Korea next week and I'll have an earful to deal with. Not only will I get to hear her opinion, but I'll also get to hear the opinion of all my Korean relatives (which she will tell me in detail) and all the anecdotal stories about so-and-so's daughter and how she got pregnant by obeying her Korean mom and eating tons of miyuk gook (seaweed soup). Patience is a virtue...

BFFN

2010-07-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

There's not much more I can say...

Food for Thought

2010-07-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

I'm still waiting on the results of my beta, but I'm 99.9% sure that it's going to come back negative.

In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of research and a whole lot of soul-searching. I've mentioned in my previous posts that I think I have an eating disorder. It's always been in the back of my mind, but I never addressed it because I didn't fit the "typical" profile of being bulimic or anorexic.

For the past 8+ years, I have restricted my daily calorie intake to be between 1,000-1,200 calories. If I knew I was going to be having dinner with friends, I'd skip lunch so that I could eat "normally" at dinner or do an extra few miles on the treadmill. I would go to bed hungry, sometimes 4-5 nights/week. Up until about 8 months ago, my daily meals would be: one small bowl of fiber cereal (150 calories); salad with only veggies and no dressing (300 calories); small dinner usually chicken, veggies, brown rice (500-600 calories). In addition, I would exercise for a minimum of 1-2 hours 5 days/week.

After doing research on the internet, I realized that you don't have to be 5'5" and 100lbs to have an eating disorder AND that I had many of the symptoms associated with it. I have incredibly scant periods, low estrogen, bloating, brittle nails (for awhile my toe nails were falling off), thinning hair/hair loss, dark undereye circles, joint pain and chronic fatigue.

What's amazing is that no one has ever noticed...After eight years and two years of being married to a doctor, you would think that someone might take notice, but I guess I was pretty good at hiding it. Most of my meals are eaten at work and no one ever questioned my eating habits.

After the results of my last IVF retrieval and information from the internet, I finally decided to talk to Doc about it. It completely caught him by surprise and it was incredibly difficult for us. I'm such a terrible communicator and all I wanted to do was curl-up and disappear, but I made it through. Doc asked a lot of questions and we had a long, in-depth talk. He told me that there are many fully-functioning women with eating disorders. He also recommended that I talk to a nutritionist and a counselor.

The counselor is actually a good friend of Docs and when he spoke to her about me, she said that 25% of unexplained infertility cases are related to eating disorders and most of these women never disclose this to their REs! There are several studies that show the exact same thing.

The reason I'm writing all of this is because if there are other women out there with similar issues, please get help. Your RE will probably never ask if you have an eating disorder, so it's up to you to be your own advocate and make things happen for you.

Pathetic

2010-06-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

I'm really embarrassed to admit this, but since I've written about all sorts of things here, I might as well go the full 9 yards and confess...I POAS when I knew the HCG shot was still in my system just so I could see what a positive stick looked like.

Is that seriously pathetic or what? I just wanted to see if I could really make a stick turn positive and see those two little lines even when I knew that those two little lines were false. I'm seriously losing it, right? This is what IF has turned me into.

I go in for my beta on Thursday and I don't think I'm going to test before then. I'm 99.9% sure it'll be negative. I don't have any symptoms, nothing, nada, not even a twinge of boob soreness, bloating, headaches, or nausea.

Doc and I have talked a bit about our next steps if this doesn't work. I've scheduled consultations with SI.RM, CC.RM, NO.VA (another clinic in our area), and I recently emailed our old RE (Dr. P) who actually thinks that we can get pregnant with my eggs and says not to give up. With all these consultations, I hope we'll get some answers that will help us decide where to go.

Most likely our next cycle will be in early 2011. I'll spend the next 6 months doing acupuncture and herbs (hopefully to improve egg quality), taking metformin and possibly doing one or two IUI cycles. I've also talked with Doc about reducing my hours here at work and taking some time to decompress. Although, my job isn't stressful, I think I might benefit from reducing the workload.

But, in the meantime, I'm still counting the minutes until doomsday...

Throw Me A Bone

2010-06-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm back at work and all I've been doing is surfing the web for anything that I can find on improving egg quality. It seems that each doctor and each clinic has their own opinions. Even my mom (who is in Korea right now) has chimed in with her two cents worth.

My mother is trying to convince me that I need to leave Doc for three months, live in Korea, take herbs and then do IVF at a clinic there. My cousin is a big-wig ob/gyn at one of the hospitals in Seoul and so knows some other big-wig RE at Maria IVF (the first clinic in Korea to do IVF), and supposedly, my cousin has guaranteed my mother that I will get pregnant if I do IVF in Korea.

Now, although I'd love to buy into this guarantee I have a hard time swallowing this gigantic, cockamaymie, crap-filled pill. Not only does this does this not make me feel any better right now, but it bugs the living crap out of me. I need reasonable, honest, helpful advice, not more shit-based rhetoric on how advanced Korea is and how things are just better if I do it out there. For god's sakes, what the hell would I do out there for 3 months?! I barely speak the language, I don't have any friends (other than my relatives who will all be in my business), and I'll be away from Doc! I have a hard enough time talking to the doctors here with all the medical jargon, let alone having to do it in Korean...Freakin' a.

On another note, I feel absolutely no symptoms. My nipples o' fire are now only smoldering because the HCG is almost out of my system and other than a few period like cramps, I'm feeling pretty much the same. I don't have very high hopes for next week's beta.

On the Slow Boat To Insane...

2010-06-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm riding right now. I feel like I'm one step away from full blown breakdown.

I'm supposed to be relaxing and thinking positive thoughts, but all I can do is think about Dr. Zed and his f***ing donor egg comment. I'm pissed, sad, hopeless, frustrated, and so, so confused. I understand that he was being completely honest with me and not getting my hopes up, but damn, is this really it? Am I at the end of the line? Both times I tested my FSH, it was 6.8 and 7.6. Granted, not super awesome, but not bad either. The same goes for my antral follicle count. So, then what the hell? How can I be expected to throw in the towel with stats like that?

I mean, doesn't the fact that my periods are super light and I have very low estrogen levels change anything? Can't there be something done to adjust for the low hormones? He hasn't even made an attempt to even look at that. No one's tested my testosterone levels or my LH levels. Couldn't those provide some insight as to why my eggs are immature and then maybe we could find some sort of solution?

I've already spent hours upon hours searching the internet for information. I'm almost positive that I have oligomenorrhea, the term used to describe infrequent or very light menstruation in a woman with previously normal periods. It usually occurs in women with PCOS and may be caused by an eating disorder and/or excessive exercise. Could it be that this has been/is my problem? But, if this is why I'm not getting pregnant, why didn't anyone see this before? Have I spent the last 2 years doing useless procedures?

I know some of this is my fault...actually, maybe a lot of it is my fault. See, I've never openly told anyone about my "food/exercise issues." I'm not even sure if that's what it is. How do you get diagnosed with an eating/exercise disorder? When do you know you have one? I always thought that you only had it if you were 105lbs and 5'7" (like the women you see coming out in special Oprah segments).

It seems so hard to discern what is "healthy" living and what is a disorder? I always assumed the more you exercise, the better, right? I mean, that's what the government says: eat lots of vegetables and very little fats and carbs and exercise every day. That's what I did. And, the only people I know that have eating disorders are either stick skinny or throw up after every meal (neither of which I am/do). Is this why the doctors didn't see it either?

I'm sorry this is just a slow ramble. I'm just so confused right now. And the cherry on top: Doc wants this to be the last IVF cycle. So, this will be it. It's all or nothing.

The Dreaded 2WW

2010-06-22T08:07:00.000-07:00

I went in for my transfer yesterday and I got some really bad news and a little good news.

The bad news first. Dr. Zed reviewed the results of this cycle and last cycle and the fact that both resulted in a high percentage of immature eggs leads him to believe that there's something inherently wrong with the quality of my eggs. His recommendation was to look into using donor eggs and although I respect his opinion, this is a really hard pill for me to swallow. I'm going to get another opinion at SI.RM in Sacramento and also probably do a phone consult with CC.RM.

There are a few things that I know after doing hours of research over the last few days. 1) I have very low estrogen levels throughout my cycle, hence, my thin lining, very light periods, and low estradiol value of 32 on CD 3, and 2) low estrogen can cause immature eggs. Scouring through the different message boards, I've found a few women in the same situation as me have their doctors prescribe them metformin even though they do not have PCOS.

Actually, I toyed with this idea in the very beginning of my IF journey, but a lot of the literature I read said that you had to be overweight and have cysts (hence, the "C" in PCOS). However, I didn't realize until now that lean PCOS can manifest itself in different ways and can be caused by other things. You don't necessarily need to have cysts or be overweight, the main factor is the hormonal imbalance of excess testosterone and reduced estrogen and possibly some insulin sensitivity.

Way back in 2001, I went on this highly restricted calorie diet and started to exercise excessively. I monitored my calorie intake and made sure it was always between 1100-1300 calories/day plus I exercised anywhere from 2-3 hours/day (once in the morning and once in the evening). I wanted to be skinny, really skinny. And it worked for awhile, but then I noticed that I started to gain weight and around my stomach and my periods started to get really, really light. Since then, my body has changed dramatically. I gain weight around my stomach (which I never did before) and my periods have always been really light (think: pantyliners for 2 days).

Up until I got married, I sort of maintained this diet/lifestyle, albeit a bit less extreme, but still calorie restricted and lots of exercise. I really think that my lifestyle has caused a hormonal imbalance. I haven't had my testosterone tested, so I'm not sure what that is, but I have some of the symptoms that have been listed for lean PCOS including hair loss/thinning, difficulty in losing weight, oily skin/acne, and irregular periods.

Ok, sorry this is getting so long, but what this led me to believe was that maybe the addition of metformin will help. All of the women on that board said that they had better egg quality with metformin. So, if this cycle doesn't work, I've already discussed with Dr. Zed about putting me on metformin.

Alright, so on to the somewhat good news...our 7-cell embryo, the only one that made it, had turned into a morula by the time we had a transfer. So, we had one 3-day morula to transfer. Typically, embryos are morulas by day 4 or 5, so the fact that this little guy had already grown to a morula is a good sign. We're hanging on for dear life to the one hope that our little bean makes it. PLEASE!!!

Again!

2010-06-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

FML! I should've posted this yesterday, but it took me awhile to digest and process the news...again.

I got the fert report Saturday morning and we got the exact same results as last time. Ten eggs retrieved of which 3 are mature of which 1 fertilized and 1 possibly fertilized. How the fuck does this happen twice in a row?! Completely different protocol, completely different doctor/clinic, exact same results? Even if we wanted to duplicate the results, there's no way it would've been this close.

I don't know what to do now. We're going in for our 3 day transfer tomorrow morning. At least we have one embryo, although I'm not sure what the quality is and we may have a second one. We get a chance to talk with Dr. Zed tomorrow before the transfer to discuss the results. I guess we'll ask him the WTF happened.

Ugh!

2010-06-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to give a quick update on the retrieval now that I'm back up. The good news is that Dr. Zed harvested 10 eggs (7 on the right, 3 on the left). The bad news is that the recovery from the retrieval hasn't gone so well.

I'm finally up and running, but it's been a tough battle back. I had severe nausea and much more cramping than my last retrieval. I threw up several times during the recovery and had to stay at the clinic for an additional 1.5-2 hours for monitoring. After leaving the clinic, Doc and I had lunch and unfortunately, I lost most of it on the drive back home (luckily, we had taken a plastic bag from the office for just that reason!).

Now, we're just waiting for tomorrow's call to hear how many of those eggs matured and fertilized. I'm praying that we have better results than last time.

Countdown to Harvest Time

2010-06-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

After waiting at Dr. Zed's for over an hour, I finally had my last ultrasound and E2 draw today. The numbers looked good. I have 4 follicles on my left side and 7 (possibly 8) on my right side. Of those 11 follicles (maybe 12), at least 4 of them are at 18-19mm. My E2 is at 1,747, which they told me matches up nicely with my follicles.

I'm scheduled for the retrieval at 9am on Friday morning and for the time-being I've stopped all meds. After the retrieval, I'll start up again on the heparin, baby aspirin, and progesterone. Interestingly enough, I'm not taking any estrogen after the retrieval or transfer. Last time, Dr. P had me on both the progesterone and 6mg of estradiol.

I've also ramped up my acupuncture sessions to twice a week and per Dr. Zed's orders, we've focused on suppressing the immune system.

I can't help but compare this cycle to my last and overall, things seem to be going a lot smoother (even Doc has mentioned this). Last time around I struggled immediately out of the starting gate with almost no follicle growth and no rise in E2 for the first 4-5 days of stims. Also, my lining was a bit on the low side, maxing out at 7.9-8mm. Let's hope that this is a good sign and everything will be better this cycle.

On a different note, talk about bruises! Holy cow! The heparin is really starting to kick-in and it's not a pretty sight. I guess no bikinis for me this summer. I'll have to post a belly pic for you. Such beautiful shades of blue and purple....

Bloated and Blah

2010-06-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel right now. Very, very bloated. Yesterday night, though, was the worst. I seriously felt like I was retaining 10 gallons of water in my stomach and on top of that I had a headache and nausea. The freaking heatwave that we had yesterday definitely didn't help. I made Doc go out and buy me some Gatorade because I read it helps OHSS. I definitely know I don't have OHSS, but last night, I was so unhappy, I was willing to try anything.

Fortunately, something worked, whether it was the cool night temp or the Gatorade, but I went pee three times during the night and felt like a new woman when I woke up. Unfortunately, the bloating is starting up again and although I've drank 6 cups of water already today, I've only gone pee once. This is just miserable. I definitely wasn't this bad last time around. And let's not talk about the weight gain...I'm praying that it's all water.

On the positive side of things, I had another ultrsound with Dr. Zed this morning and all looks good. My lining has increased even further to a whopping 9mm!! I've never made it past 8 before, so I'm ecstatic! Right now, there are 7 follicles on the right and 4 follicles on the left with the largest being 15 and the smallest being 8.

Things are looking pretty good and the retrieval is scheduled for this Friday. I'll also being doing the intralipid transfusion at that time. Wish me luck!!

Oh, and have I mentioned how much I like Dr. Zed and his staff! They've been fantastic so far.

Progress!

2010-06-11T12:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry if I've been MIA for the past few days, but there really wasn't much going on. I could've written some tirade about how stupid my boss is (that could've taken up several blogs) or how the government keeps its employees working in sweat-shop conditions (another full-time blog), but those are matters for another time.

Today I had my second ultrasound and E2 blood draw. So far, so good. I'm right on schedule and have 6 follicles on my right side and 4-5 on my left side (about the same count as last time). The biggest is an 10.7 on my left and the rest are ranging anywhere from 9-6mm. But, the best news...my lining is at an all-time high of 8.1 and trilaminar to boot! I don't think I've ever had such a beefy lining this early in my cycle. The estrogen seems to have worked!

So, I'm going back in on Monday for another ultrasound and if all looks well, the retrieval will be set for Thurs or Friday of next week. Med amounts have remained the same with the addition of hepa.rin beginning Monday which means that I'll have to prepare for some major bruising.

I have a bit more faith this cycle mainly because I'm right on track in terms of my progress. Last cycle, I stimmed for 14 days and lining was barely 8 on the very last day. So, we're making progress and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is all going to work out!

Just Along For The Ride

2010-06-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

The fear is starting to kick in. What if this IVF doesn't work? Do we have it in us to do IVF #3...and #4...and #5? When do we stop? How long do we have to sneak around our families and friends? What do I do next?

I know I should be optomistic and think positive thoughts, but having one failure after another really doesn't allow for those thoughts. I am scared enough this time around that I've actually thought that maybe we should postpone this IVF. If this IVF doesn't work, particularly with Dr. Zed, what hope do I have left?

Last time around, Doc and I had discussed what we would do if IVF #1 didn't work and we both agreed that we would do IVF #2, but this time around we haven't discussed a back-up plan. I think it's a sign that both of us don't really know what to do if IVF #2 doesn't work. This scares the living bejeezus out of me because both Doc and I are super-planners and we hate not having back-up plans. To not have one means that: 1) we can't think of one, or 2) we don't want to think about our inital plan not working. Unfortunately, I think the reason is all of the above.

Since we haven't talked about a contigency plan, I don't know where Doc's head is at. I'm not sure if he's leaning towards another IVF or towards adoption, donor eggs, or living as DINKS, and to top it off, I'm not even sure what I'm leaning towards. I just hope that we're both leaning in the same direction. So far, our marriage has remained strong. Yes, we've had a few hormone-induced spats, but nothing that's done any major damage. But, I'm so scared about what would happen if he was dead-set on living as a DINK and I wanted to do IVF #3. Would we be able to work through that?

Also, our insurance coverage for IVF maxes out at $30K and we'll probably use it all by the end of this IVF, which means we won't have anything left for a possible IVF #3. While we're fortunate enough to have the additional money to be able to fund IVF #3 out-of-pocket, if necessary, I don't know if Doc would agree to this.

There just seems to be so many unknowns that have the potential of affecting our lives on such a significant level and yet, we have absolutely no control over anything. Sometimes I feel we're just along for the ride.