Another BFN

Yes, I caved in and tested this morning even though I was supposed to wait until Sunday. I'm not surprised, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit disappointed. I think even though I knew that the likelihood of this IUI working was pretty low based on my other tries, there was a small part of me that thought, maybe, just maybe there would be a miracle.

Well, I guess the good news in all of this is that we don't have to cancel our trip to South America. We're leaving in one month and we'll be gone for a little over two weeks. We also have a cabin booked in Tahoe for the time between Christmas and New Years, so I'll be able to get in some last minute snowboarding before the our final IVF.

Between the IUI and prepping for the IVF, we've also been busily attending adoption seminars. Although there have been "threats" by the Korean government to halt all international adoptions by 2012, there hasn't been any real follow through, so most of the agencies I've talked to say that they're not worried. I guess the Korean government does this every few years, but never really follows through.

The unfortunate thing about adoption is that the entire process, even if it's done quickly still takes close to 1.5-2 years and anywhere from $20-$25K. The home study takes approximately 6 months. The wait for a match takes another 4-6 months (it may be a little bit shorter for us because we are of "Korean Heritage"). And then the longest and most painful part is the wait to travel and pick up your child, that takes 10-12 months, primarily because of all the logistics around immigration and visas.

I'm just hoping and praying that our IVF in Jan/Feb will work. I'm not sure how much more IF I can take.

Uber-Emo

Mondays are so difficult. It's just so hard to wake up and get going. Also, I think the progesterone is making things worse. I'm that much more groggy and just not feeling pleasant in general.

At this moment, I'm also super emotional. Typically, I'm the exact opposite. I'm the type of person that never cries in movies. I detest chick flicks. I scoff at others when they weep over a sad story and tell them to grow some cojones. But, last night I was watching 60 Minutes and they did a story on Nelson Mandela with excerpts of letters that he wrote while in prison. The letters were so strong and wise and sad...And before I knew it, I was tearing up.

I'm 7dpiui, so I have another week to go. I have another appointment scheduled with my RE today. I don't quite know what she's looking for, but she told me to come in 7dpiui, so I'm going in. Anyone have any clue as to why she'd want to do another ultrasound on me 7dpiui?

As for testing, I'm not all that excited by it. Actually, I'm dreading it. I really don't want to see another single lined test. It such a crappy feeling and I'd like to avoid it at all costs. So, I'm hoping that AF will just show her head and I can avoid having to take "the test."

Dawn of the Dead

I feel like a zombie today -- straight out of a George Romero movie. Have I ever mentioned that I love zombie movies? Anyway, that's another story for another time. Today's topic is my ovaries.

Why do I feel like a zombie, you ask? Well, because I got very little sleep last night due to my ovaries cramping like a mofo. I have no makeup on and right now, I'm trying to figure out what my purpose is for the day (other than venting to you good folks).

The reason for the cramping? I had four nice, big juicy follicles which I think ovulated all at once. I did my trigger on Sunday morning and the IUI on Monday morning. At the time of the IUI, the right side was 21mm and the left side had three at 19.2, 20.6, and 22. With a lining of (drum roll, please): 9.1 without any estrogen supplements.

By far this has been my best cycle. I've never had a lining that thick without additional help and I've never reacted so well to the meds (even during my IVF cycles). Doc and I have been trying to figure out why, and we think it might be the combination of me eating more (I'm finally up to 1,800 calories/day) and the DHEA and maybe the herbs prescribed by my acu.

Whatever it is, I'm glad that something is happening in the right direction. Both Doc and I don't have high hopes for this cycle, but we are happy that we went for it because now we know that something I'm doing is working, so we just keep doing like we're doing.

Now, if I could just get through these cramps, I'd be a happy camper.

15!

First, I want to give a huge hug and a happy dance to Sienna from It's Baby Time. I'm so happy for her and she's given me hope!!

Ok, on to my second piece of news...I have 15 follicles! I'm doing an IUI cycle right now as we wait to do our third round of IVF in January. So, I go in this morning for my CD 7 ultrasound after having taken letra.zole from CD 3 - CD 7 and I find out that I have 15 follicles growing with the largest at 14, 12, and 11. I have never (in any of my cycles) responded so well and so early. It took me completely by surprise. Unfortunately, my lining is pretty thin at 4.1, but they can always put me on estrodial and I respond ok to that.

So, something must be working! Right now, I'm on 75mg of DH.EA and chinese herbs, and I've increased my caloric/fat intake. So, I'm thinking that one or all of the above must have contributed to my better response.

Now, I'm not getting my hopes up by any means, but I am happy that things are going in the right direction and I hope they stay that way, so when IVF #3 comes around I'll also be lucky enough to get 15 nice follies.

Decisions

I know I shouldn't jump the gun and I should be relaxing and remaining optimistic, but I just can't help wondering what I should do if this cycle is a bust.

I don't know if I/we can go through another cycle of meds and IUI. This last time around was so stressful for us and put such a strain on our lives. If feels like my life has been hijacked by this trying to conceive process. At times, I feel bitter, angry and resentful. To whom? No one in particular, just at the entire world. I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy -- I want to enjoy life.

So, what am I going to do if this cycle ends in a BFN? I really thought I would do another IUI -- 3 is the magic number, right? We'd do injections this time and then if we failed, we'd move on to IVF. But, really, do we need to do another IUI?

Our insurance covers 100% of the IUIs and 80% of the IVF (including meds). Although, 20% of an IVF is still expensive, it's not the deciding factor. I still have this small sliver of hope that I can get pregnant without doing IVF. I think part of me sees going to IVF as capitulating and acknowledging that somehow I'm insufficient...lacking in my ability to conceive a baby. I know it seems weird because since I'm here, obviously we are having problems conceiving, but IVF somehow cements it. There's no way of saying, "hey, all we needed was a little help."

Thinking about things objectively and looking at the numbers, I know that IVF would be the better route. I'm not getting any younger and if I'm going to start injecting myself with meds, I might as well go all the way and do IVF. But, why is it so hard to accept?

IUI #2

Just came back from finishing IUI #2. It wasn't as bad as IUI #1 because I knew what to expect and I think the NP that was doing the procedure was much better than the doc that did IUI #1.

She told me that I have a small cyst on the opening of my cervix. I think it must have just appeared because I've never been told that before. It took her awhile to push it away and get into my cervix to drop off Doc's soldiers.

Once it was finished, I laid on my left side and waited for about 20 minutes before heading out. And so far, so good. I guess I'll know in about 2 weeks whether it was a success or not.

Speedy Gonzales!

Today is IUI #2. I haven't gone in yet, but just wanted to say that Doc is pretty efficient. His appointment was at 7am and he was back in his office and on the computer by 7:30. I'm not sure if I should be in awe or if I should be scared....

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another

Freakin' sucks! Man, all this time I've been worrying about my lining and now what?! The one thing that I haven't had any issues with has come to bite me in the ass.

Ultrasound shows that I have 15+ follies but all under 10mm on cycle day 12. How does that happen? I've never had any problems with follicle growth/production. The kicker is that my lining is now a health 8.2mm. Why can't I get both?! Is that too much to ask for?

So, I have another appointment for another ultrasound on Friday to see if my underperforming follies have found some way to redeem themselves. The nurse didn't sound all that optimistic about the results for Friday, but who knows, maybe we'll have a miracle and they'll get a growth spurt. If something radical doesn't happen by Friday, I'm hoping they keep growing slow and no ovulation over the weekend. Then on Monday, I can get the HCG shot and do the IUI the following day.

On totally different note, it's been pouring here. Everything is wet...a storm of biblical proportions! Lightning, thunder, hail, and wind. Everything you could possibly want of a storm and we got it. Makes going to doctor's appts even more miserable.

Ovary in Overdrive

GAWD! My ovaries feel like they are on the 24-hour shift. Definite activity going on and it seems that only my left one is doing all the work. Is it just me or does everyone have a more "dominant" ovary? Even when I seemingly ovulate from my right side, my left ovary pitches in and produces a few follies, too. But, when my left ovary is up to bat, my right one decides to take it easy and it produces nothing -- leaves all the work to it's partner.

I'm so hoping that my little left ovary has produced some good follies. It definitely feels like it, but you never really know until you go in for that ultrasound. Tomorrow is the day, so I'll know by 9am if we're doing the IUI on Thursday or if I'm going to have to wait for those follies to grow a bit more.

For some odd reason the side effects aren't as bad this time around. Maybe it's because I'm less stressed since I've been through everything already and the holidays aren't messing with the schedule or maybe it's just because my body is used to all the extra hormones. I'm sure once I start the progesterone I'll feel the wonderful bloating, gas and constipation (I know...TMI).

Also, maybe it's because of the herbs I'm taking provided to me by my previous acu. They're actually palatable because they're in pill format. About 50 small black balls contained in one larger wax covered ping pong ball. I take half in the morning and half in the evening. I'm hoping that they beef up my lining. Last two cycles I didn't take any herbs and both had pretty pathetic lining numbers.

Or, maybe it's because of the alien body abduction where I've been turned into a blue alien that has a USB connection to all the other animals and plants on the planet...oh, wait...sorry, that's just another reason I've saved up if this IUI comes up with a BFN.