The One

I sincerely do believe that Doc is the best husband in the world. He's caring, handsome, smart, funny, and an excellent skier. I love his type A personality and love that he kicks ass during Jeo.pardy. But, alas, there are moments when I want to just punch him...really, really hard. Yesterday night was just one of those moments.

I was already in a pissy mood. I blame it on the meds, but I think it's just everything. The build up of a year of trying to conceive and having to change my life for something that I thought would come so easy. Anyway, so one thing leads to another and our conversation goes like this:

Me: You know, sometimes I feel like you don't appreciate everything that I'm going through and all the stress.

Doc: Of course I do. I tell you thank you all the time.

Me: No, you don't.

Doc: Well, you don't know how much stress I'm under because of all this. It's been stressful on me, too. I feel like I can't be myself. I have to tiptoe around you.

Me: WHAT? (in my thoughts: Oh, no, he just did not say that...)

And then floor opened up and all hell broke loose. It was ugly.

At the end of it all, we made up, but we also decided that we could not go through another round of meds and IUI. We're going to IVF. Decision made. For our sanity and marriage and Doc's life, we are going directly to IVF.

Decisions

I know I shouldn't jump the gun and I should be relaxing and remaining optimistic, but I just can't help wondering what I should do if this cycle is a bust.

I don't know if I/we can go through another cycle of meds and IUI. This last time around was so stressful for us and put such a strain on our lives. If feels like my life has been hijacked by this trying to conceive process. At times, I feel bitter, angry and resentful. To whom? No one in particular, just at the entire world. I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy -- I want to enjoy life.

So, what am I going to do if this cycle ends in a BFN? I really thought I would do another IUI -- 3 is the magic number, right? We'd do injections this time and then if we failed, we'd move on to IVF. But, really, do we need to do another IUI?

Our insurance covers 100% of the IUIs and 80% of the IVF (including meds). Although, 20% of an IVF is still expensive, it's not the deciding factor. I still have this small sliver of hope that I can get pregnant without doing IVF. I think part of me sees going to IVF as capitulating and acknowledging that somehow I'm insufficient...lacking in my ability to conceive a baby. I know it seems weird because since I'm here, obviously we are having problems conceiving, but IVF somehow cements it. There's no way of saying, "hey, all we needed was a little help."

Thinking about things objectively and looking at the numbers, I know that IVF would be the better route. I'm not getting any younger and if I'm going to start injecting myself with meds, I might as well go all the way and do IVF. But, why is it so hard to accept?

IUI #2

Just came back from finishing IUI #2. It wasn't as bad as IUI #1 because I knew what to expect and I think the NP that was doing the procedure was much better than the doc that did IUI #1.

She told me that I have a small cyst on the opening of my cervix. I think it must have just appeared because I've never been told that before. It took her awhile to push it away and get into my cervix to drop off Doc's soldiers.

Once it was finished, I laid on my left side and waited for about 20 minutes before heading out. And so far, so good. I guess I'll know in about 2 weeks whether it was a success or not.

Speedy Gonzales!

Today is IUI #2. I haven't gone in yet, but just wanted to say that Doc is pretty efficient. His appointment was at 7am and he was back in his office and on the computer by 7:30. I'm not sure if I should be in awe or if I should be scared....

Getting To Know You

Since there seems to be more traffic to my blog from all my fellow ICLWers, I thought it might be interesting to put a few random facts about me.

1. I love peanut butter. I could put it on almost anything. I think that G.W. Carver was the most brilliant man to ever live.

2. Doc and I traveled to Mongolia for vacation and I have never recovered from the culinary experience. The end result, I haven't been able to eat lamb for the past two years.

3. I love zombie movies -- all types. The cheesier, the better.

4. My dream job: Professional Snowboarder. My real job: Government Grunt

5. I hate humidity. Thank goodness I live in California.

6. I grind my teeth when I sleep. So much so, that I ground through the wires of my retainer. Now I have a thick plastic nightguard, but I think that's getting worn down, too.

7. Next place that I'd like to visit...Either Hokkaido, Japan or Chile to go snowboarding!

8. I'm a book snob, but I read all the Twilight books. It was a guilty pleasure. I never read them in public and hid them whenever we had people over.

9. I have the worst memory ever. Doc's other job is to constantly remind me of things. I'm frightened to think what will happen when I'm 80.

10. I have a very short attention span, so I'm actually shocked that I've been able to stick with this blog. Sometimes, you surprise even yourself!

WOW! This is so exciting -- 7 comments! I can't believe it. I never thought that anyone would be even remotely interested in reading my drivel and yet, there's the proof. Sheesh! Who knew?! Thanks to all for your words! It so nice knowing that there's such a wonderful supportive community out there. Now back to our regular programming...

I went for my third ultrasound this morning (thank goodness these are covered by my insurance) and it looks like one of my follies on the left has grown to 19mm. I'm supposed to trigger tomorrow morning and then have my IUI on Wednesday morning. But, get this (there's always a kicker to keep things interesting), my lining seems to have shrunk. How is that possible?

My lining was measured at 8.2 last Wednesday and on Friday. Then today, down to 7.1? I can either attribute this to my body's inability to do two things at once, like grow my follies and grow my lining, much like chewing gum and walking. Or, that someone measured incorrectly. The same person did my ultrasound on Wed and Fri and a different person did my ultrasound today. I'm going to split the difference and attribute a lining of 7.7mm (very scientific). Since it's still a bit on the shallow side, I'm going to start my regular dosage of estrodial. They're taken vaginally and they're blue, which results in making it seem like you've just had sex with a smu.rf.

IComLeavWe - Exciting!

It's IComLeavWe Week! Welcome and thanks for perusing my blog! I got my first comments yesterday and I'm so excited. I didn't think that anyone would actually take the time and read my boring dribble. Yet, there's the proof -- in writing!

This is a happy moment in the midst of my morning frustration. Not to rain on the parade, but I'm having technical issues. My computer hard drive crashed earlier this week (the blue screen of death). Luckily, nothing too important had been on that computer, HOWEVER, restoring it has been a test in patience.

De.ll has been the bane of my existence for the past 2 days. I cannot get the freakin' drivers downloaded off their website. Their site is so slow that it continuously times out. The drivers are right there on their site for downloading, right within my grasp, and yet when I download they slip right though my fingers...down the time-out black hole. ARGH!!!

So, I sit here in front of my work computer, doing what I do best and acting like I'm doing some real work when in actuality I'm just procrastinating. Luckily, it's Friday and I'm taking off early to go to my neverending cycle of ultrasound appointments.

Today I get to find out if my follies have decided to take it up a notch and show some growth. I'm not getting my hopes up, though, because I haven't felt much activity going on. It's been pretty quiet down there in my lady regions.

Oh and lest I forget the other good news that I found out this week. Seems that me being of the asian persuasion, does not bode well for my chance at IVF...Check out this BS.