Saturday, August 7, 2010

Fear

Do you ever get that feeling where you're so scared that you don't even want to take the next step? You'd rather just stay in your current state of "unknown" than move on to what may be success, but also may be failure. That's about where I am right now.

This IF sh** has got me in such a state of anxiety that I'm not even sure if I want to move on to CCRM and IVF #3. I know we will end up doing the IVF #3, but a small part of me doesn't want to. That small part wants to live in a state of ignorant bliss.

Crazy talk, right? Just about as crazy as paying some random man $15K to snatch my eggs, sperminate them, and then shove them right back in, while I pray to every god from Jehovah to Vishnu that I'm knocked up. Sucks.

6 comments:

Low Fat Lady said...

It's normal to be scared. Just take one step at a time and one day at a time and do what feels comfortable to you.

sienna said...

i hear you girl. i'm in a zen state right now and ivf coming up in a few weeks has been shit assed scared out of my mind. even though i took the news badly at first, the fact that we got cancelled this round did make me a little bit relieved, bc it wasn't a BFN. it was different. it was a "let's try again bc we can do *better*". this made it more palatable than the alternative, bc then i can remain in my ignorant state of mind.

big *hugs*!

the baby baker said...

oh, i hear you. i think i'm afraid to stop and take a break because i'll get caught up in fear and i'll get stuck. if i keep going and don't stop to come up for air, i'll be okay so that's what i'm doing. going, going, going.

thinking about you, sooz. xo.

heartincharge said...

sounds natural to me. when nothing is going on, nothing can go wrong.


congrats on the lower FSH!

irrationalexuberance said...

Umm -- all the time. No progress also means no heartache. It's when you get your hopes tied to some action(s) that things get scary and dangerous.

I'm thinking about you!

DC Running Mama said...

Hi there--found your blog and was interested b/c I "used" to be an exercise fanatic b/f all this IF stuff...and now, not so much. I had low estrogen for a while, but linked that to exercise (I was a marathon runner doing 60-80 MPW and had estrogen issues until I dropped to 15-20 MPW). Good luck and I hope #3 is the one.