So Many What Ifs

I know that we haven't even started the stims yet, but I'm always already thinking about the "what ifs." So, in my infinite need for information I've been reading/lurking adoption blogs.

See, we've decided (or at least almost decided) that this time will be the last IVF. If it doesn't work, I'm not willing to go through this again. Although the travel hasn't been too bad for me, it's been a logistical nightmare for Doc because of his schedule, patients, etc.. In addition, CC.RM is not cheap by any means and the more we spend on this, the less money we have for any alternatives and for the house that we'd eventually like to purchase (once we sell our current home).

Enter into the picture: International Adoption. I think I mentioned in prior posts that we've been attending adoption seminars and we've decided on an agency to go with if IVF #3 doesn't have a happy ending. We'll definitely be adopting from Korea. Currently, the time from when you submit your paperwork (i.e., dossier) to referral is approximately 6-9 months and then from there it seems like another 6-9 months for the travel call.

When we initially began to talk about the possibility of adoption, I was incredibly depressed and wasn't sure if I'd be fully able to accept an adopted child. Would I be able to love that child as much as I would a biologicial child? Would I continue to mourn my inability to have a baby? Would I cling to some hope that maybe I'd get pregnant and would that overshadow my ability to love? Would everyone see adopting as a red flag announcing my infertility to the world?

But, as I thought about it more and talked with Doc (who, by the way, seems to have no issues with adopting) I realized that my ability and desire to love surpasses any biological bond. To be truthful, I may still be a bit sad that we never had the opportunity to have a child together, but being a parent and creating a family is far more important to me. And, at this point, I've come to realize that I really don't give a crap who knows about our IF.

I am so thankful that Doc is so supportive and I know that however we create our family, we are blessed and hopefully, next Christmas we'll have one additional member added (or soon to be added) to our party of two.

Happy Holidays from Perito Moreno Glacier (Patagonia, Argentina)

The Other Option

Can you believe it?! This is post 101. I never realized that I had that much to say about any topic and yet, somehow I managed to write one hundred and one posts.

Well, this calls for a celebration, so the topic of this post is not about IVF, but about "the other option." For Doc and I, that is adoption. I'm not sure if a year ago I would have given this another thought, but now that I'm going on IVF #3, this option is a very real reality.

We've attended a couple of sessions hosted by homestudy agencies in our area that specialize in international adoption. During these sessions, we learned a lot about the adoption process and all the details involved. The basic details are that it'll cost anywhere from $20K - $30K and can take anywhere from 12-36 months. There are several parties involved in an international adoption: the homestudy agency, the placing agency, the government, and us. Since we're looking only at Korea, we would also have to pass all the country specific restrictions.

So, how did we get here? I think both Doc and I realized that we needed to have a back-up plan in case this IVF #3 did not work. Although both of us would love to have a biological baby, we both agree that even more than that we want a family and we want to enjoy that family while we're still relatively young.

The other factor is both the emotional and economic tolls that IVF takes on you. I'm not sure if we're willing to go through it again if this IVF cycle doesn't work. We're not ruling out #4, but it's definitely not a given.

So all this being said, knowing that we have a "back up" plan, gives me a partial peace of mind and gives me hope that maybe in 2011, we'll have a +1 one way or another.