Friday, December 17, 2010

So Many What Ifs

I know that we haven't even started the stims yet, but I'm always already thinking about the "what ifs." So, in my infinite need for information I've been reading/lurking adoption blogs.

See, we've decided (or at least almost decided) that this time will be the last IVF. If it doesn't work, I'm not willing to go through this again. Although the travel hasn't been too bad for me, it's been a logistical nightmare for Doc because of his schedule, patients, etc.. In addition, CC.RM is not cheap by any means and the more we spend on this, the less money we have for any alternatives and for the house that we'd eventually like to purchase (once we sell our current home).

Enter into the picture: International Adoption. I think I mentioned in prior posts that we've been attending adoption seminars and we've decided on an agency to go with if IVF #3 doesn't have a happy ending. We'll definitely be adopting from Korea. Currently, the time from when you submit your paperwork (i.e., dossier) to referral is approximately 6-9 months and then from there it seems like another 6-9 months for the travel call.

When we initially began to talk about the possibility of adoption, I was incredibly depressed and wasn't sure if I'd be fully able to accept an adopted child. Would I be able to love that child as much as I would a biologicial child? Would I continue to mourn my inability to have a baby? Would I cling to some hope that maybe I'd get pregnant and would that overshadow my ability to love? Would everyone see adopting as a red flag announcing my infertility to the world?

But, as I thought about it more and talked with Doc (who, by the way, seems to have no issues with adopting) I realized that my ability and desire to love surpasses any biological bond. To be truthful, I may still be a bit sad that we never had the opportunity to have a child together, but being a parent and creating a family is far more important to me. And, at this point, I've come to realize that I really don't give a crap who knows about our IF.

I am so thankful that Doc is so supportive and I know that however we create our family, we are blessed and hopefully, next Christmas we'll have one additional member added (or soon to be added) to our party of two.

Happy Holidays from Perito Moreno Glacier (Patagonia, Argentina)


sienna said...

adoption is a different story. period. we'd all mourn not being able to have a biological child. i always wanted to adopt since i was little, but dh was adamantly against it initially. until we had to go through all this IF crap, and then he realized that his desire to be a parent was more important than having a biological child. *phew*. thank god. bc i don't know how i could continue to love someone who didn't think the same way i did on this topic. you are sooo lucky that you and doc are on the same page bc so many ppl aren't.

we're definitely going to look into adoption for #2, bc i don't think i can go through ivf again. our timeline might be too late though, so that option might not even be available to us. we shall see.

i totally get that you're thinking about all the "what ifs" right now. just don't go making yourself crazy. know that you have another option, and a great one at that.

i'm soooo very excited for you that you're starting this cycle. back when we were all doing cycle #2, aside from you and babybaker, there was another friend that babybaker and i know who was cycling as well. i thought for sure that all four of us would get our bfp's. only the other friend did. then i did 2 months later. then babybaker got her bfp 2.5 months after me. umm, you're next. the timeline says so :o)

Anonymous said...

*hugs* Good luck to you in your ivf and adoption journey.

Rambler said...

First of all...that picture is amazing!

What if moments eat away at me sometimes. Both the negative AND positive ones. It's hard, I hear you.

Teresa said...

I'm excited and hopeful that this CC.RM journey is a success, but I'm happy you and Doc are on the same page for adoption. My husband still have different opinions on adoption so it makes future planning of the "what-ifs" hard.
I am keeping you in my thoughts for this cycle.