I think this is a perpetual theme in my TTC story. I constantly feel like my life has been hijacked by my (our?) infertility and now that IVF #1 was a bust and I've gotten over the initial shock and dismay, I'm actually somewhat happy.
I feel like I have my life back again, or at least I have a bit of my old life back. I had coffee this morning and sushi for lunch and this weekend I'm going snowboarding for the second time this season. But, most of all, I can exercise again. I went running last Monday night, right after I found out that the beta was negative and I went to spin class on Tuesday. I went running again this weekend and will hit the gym tonight.
But, in the midst of my happiness, I also feel guilty for being happy...Shouldn't I be wallowing in the pain of a failed IVF? Shouldn't I be crying every time I see a pregnant woman or commercials with Gerber babies? I feel like I've got it all wrong and that maybe I'm not taking things seriously enough. But, damn, the relief that I feel over not being a hostage to IVF (even if it is only for a couple of months) is so overwhelming that I can't really feel anything else.
Yes, I would be much happier if the IVF had been successful, but at the same time, this is what life has dealt me and I might as well enjoy it while I can. I know that all too soon my life will revolve around doctor's appointments, blood draws, and staying sedentary. Is it so bad to thoroughly enjoy this moment of normalcy?
Do genes matter?
2 months ago