Monday, April 5, 2010

I Want My Life Back

I think this is a perpetual theme in my TTC story. I constantly feel like my life has been hijacked by my (our?) infertility and now that IVF #1 was a bust and I've gotten over the initial shock and dismay, I'm actually somewhat happy.

I feel like I have my life back again, or at least I have a bit of my old life back. I had coffee this morning and sushi for lunch and this weekend I'm going snowboarding for the second time this season. But, most of all, I can exercise again. I went running last Monday night, right after I found out that the beta was negative and I went to spin class on Tuesday. I went running again this weekend and will hit the gym tonight.

But, in the midst of my happiness, I also feel guilty for being happy...Shouldn't I be wallowing in the pain of a failed IVF? Shouldn't I be crying every time I see a pregnant woman or commercials with Gerber babies? I feel like I've got it all wrong and that maybe I'm not taking things seriously enough. But, damn, the relief that I feel over not being a hostage to IVF (even if it is only for a couple of months) is so overwhelming that I can't really feel anything else.

Yes, I would be much happier if the IVF had been successful, but at the same time, this is what life has dealt me and I might as well enjoy it while I can. I know that all too soon my life will revolve around doctor's appointments, blood draws, and staying sedentary. Is it so bad to thoroughly enjoy this moment of normalcy?


sienna said...

i hear you about getting our lives back. at least for a little bit ... and then we'll have our bfp's and life can start to move FORWARD again :o) i have been exercising like a crazee person since the beta came in, and eating sushi and doing anything/everything else that makes me happy. if i were a smoker, i'd be doing that too. it feels nice to not have any limits or boundaries right now ... i've been spoiling myself rotten and not denying myself anything, so it feels good. glad you get to go boarding again!!

Amy said...

Yes. Thank you for this post. I just found out today that our first IVF failed also. I am sad and disappointed, but overwhelmingly relieved. We need the break. Sushi for dinner. Running tomorrow morning then coffee.
Life is good and dreams will come true in their own time. For now, we need to enjoy the hand we are dealt. Good for you (us) for rolling with the punches and coming out even better on the other side.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel guilty for not being sad and wallowing. I am proud of you that you are able to be happy during all this crap and focus on the positive. Enjoy everything you want.