I think this is a perpetual theme in my TTC story. I constantly feel like my life has been hijacked by my (our?) infertility and now that IVF #1 was a bust and I've gotten over the initial shock and dismay, I'm actually somewhat happy.
I feel like I have my life back again, or at least I have a bit of my old life back. I had coffee this morning and sushi for lunch and this weekend I'm going snowboarding for the second time this season. But, most of all, I can exercise again. I went running last Monday night, right after I found out that the beta was negative and I went to spin class on Tuesday. I went running again this weekend and will hit the gym tonight.
But, in the midst of my happiness, I also feel guilty for being happy...Shouldn't I be wallowing in the pain of a failed IVF? Shouldn't I be crying every time I see a pregnant woman or commercials with Gerber babies? I feel like I've got it all wrong and that maybe I'm not taking things seriously enough. But, damn, the relief that I feel over not being a hostage to IVF (even if it is only for a couple of months) is so overwhelming that I can't really feel anything else.
Yes, I would be much happier if the IVF had been successful, but at the same time, this is what life has dealt me and I might as well enjoy it while I can. I know that all too soon my life will revolve around doctor's appointments, blood draws, and staying sedentary. Is it so bad to thoroughly enjoy this moment of normalcy?
2 months ago