Monday, April 26, 2010

IF Funk

Ah, man...I got the IF blues. If I had a harmonica or a guitar (and I knew how to play them), I'd be singing the blues right now with a tear in my beer.

Usually, I do ok with keeping my IF blues in check and I can typically convince myself that one of these days I'll have that elusive baby, but today I can't quite get my mind to be optimistic. I think the blues set in yesterday, after I went to my close friend's baby shower. This is only the second baby shower I've ever been to because most of my friends aren't even married yet (yes, they're slow bloomers).

I've spent a lot of time with this friend and I was even there when she announced her pregnancy (they got pregnant on their honeymoon) and although it has been difficult, I've never felt this type of nagging insecurity and funk. It's like all hope has been sucked right out of me.

I'm so scared that IVF #2 will be unsuccessful and we'll have to continue with another and another and another. I hate knowing that everyone is wondering why we're not pregnant. No one has blatantly said anything, but I feel the underlying questions and I hate it!

What I wouldn't give to see, just once, a positive pregnancy test. Just a glimmer of hope to signify, yes, I can get knocked up. Right now, I'm all out of hope and I can't seem to muster up anymore.

10 comments:

sienna said...

luckily, i'm having a good day today. it wouldn't do if we were both in a funk today, so i'm gonna try to lift your spirits. #2 is our turn. i deem it so, so it will be!!! do you HEAR ME?? even though it stinks that we're "waiting around" for another few months, this time is good for our bodies. i don't know how girls go from one ivf into another with just one month inbetween. i'm not sure about you, but i'm only now starting to feel 100% normal again. all the posts i got about 'having to wait' made me realize that this time is just what i need to give my body a break and to get my mind in the right place. i think i'm already there, or almost anyways.

fact 1: both of us had BAD ivf #1's. fact 2: our RE's learned a ton from what happened (as did we). fact 3: we have new RE's (who'd you end up picking) who are supposed to be awesome, and who know what to do for us in round 2, based on round 1's results. fact 4: we're "young" (i know, i hate it when other ppl say it too) and there's no reason why our bodies won't respond better this time.

let's think of the next 2 months as the LAST months leading up to our babies :o)

Geochick said...

Ugh, I understand that feeling all too well. At one point I started hoping for even a chemical just to see the second line ONCE. GL on IVF#2.

Kelly said...

It's only natural to feel in a funk. I hope that you're able to find a way to feel better soon.

I hope that your upcoming IVF is successful for you and that your funk ends permanently.

(((HUGS)))

Gurlee said...

Yuck, I hate those days. We all have 'em. And it will pass. Its ok to feel like pessimistic crap from time to time. Sienna sounds right, your RE learned from the IVF cycle as did you and hopefully the next time will give you your BFP.
I read back and loved your last post: the mullet, the ass-cracker, the grunter....Good times.

ventingvagina said...

sienna is right! #2 is it for both of you! :)

i must have passed the pessimistic baton to you from my crappy day yesterday. hoping tomorrow is better for you, like it was for me.

it will work. it will!

arlnurse said...

giant (((HUGS))) Sooz!!! I completely understand where you're coming from! it's hard after a failed IVF to think you'll ever actually get there, but we both will!!! until then, we have each other & this great bunch of gals to lean on. will be thinking of you & hope you feel better!

lowfatlady said...

*hugs* I could sing your entry to the kraft macaroni and cheese blues song. I'm sorry your in a funk and having issues with hope. *sends you some* I hope that you get some positive news soon.

christine said...

I've been there, too. The fear of what if the next one doesn't work? How long will we keep doing this?

Hopefully you are able to draw up some hope and energy for the next cycle!

All the best to you!

ICLW #166

Miriam said...

IF funk happens. It sucks, but sometimes it feels good to sit with it, like peeling off a scab. It's a little painful, but highly satisfying. But then that wound starts bleeding and we're like, "oh crap, maybe I shouldn't have done that." But it's ok- it'll scab again.

I often find myself in a funk after something as draining as a baby shower. The secret, I have found, is that I also exert as much energy into myself. Hope aside, you need to take some time for yourself. Don't worry about the future, the unknowns - live in the moment and do for yourself. Sending you a hug.

~Miriam (ICLW #130)
Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

Shazz said...

We told everyone we were doing IVF and it was the best thing we ever did...no one asked us anything lol. May sound silly but it's true and we told them we would never tell them when we were going for a cycle so don't ask.

Yes I was one of those people that it did take forever but trust me, it's so worth it when you do get there!


Lots of hugs xx

~ICLW~