Ah, man...I got the IF blues. If I had a harmonica or a guitar (and I knew how to play them), I'd be singing the blues right now with a tear in my beer.
Usually, I do ok with keeping my IF blues in check and I can typically convince myself that one of these days I'll have that elusive baby, but today I can't quite get my mind to be optimistic. I think the blues set in yesterday, after I went to my close friend's baby shower. This is only the second baby shower I've ever been to because most of my friends aren't even married yet (yes, they're slow bloomers).
I've spent a lot of time with this friend and I was even there when she announced her pregnancy (they got pregnant on their honeymoon) and although it has been difficult, I've never felt this type of nagging insecurity and funk. It's like all hope has been sucked right out of me.
I'm so scared that IVF #2 will be unsuccessful and we'll have to continue with another and another and another. I hate knowing that everyone is wondering why we're not pregnant. No one has blatantly said anything, but I feel the underlying questions and I hate it!
What I wouldn't give to see, just once, a positive pregnancy test. Just a glimmer of hope to signify, yes, I can get knocked up. Right now, I'm all out of hope and I can't seem to muster up anymore.
Back from NZ
2 weeks ago