The fear is starting to kick in. What if this IVF doesn't work? Do we have it in us to do IVF #3...and #4...and #5? When do we stop? How long do we have to sneak around our families and friends? What do I do next?
I know I should be optomistic and think positive thoughts, but having one failure after another really doesn't allow for those thoughts. I am scared enough this time around that I've actually thought that maybe we should postpone this IVF. If this IVF doesn't work, particularly with Dr. Zed, what hope do I have left?
Last time around, Doc and I had discussed what we would do if IVF #1 didn't work and we both agreed that we would do IVF #2, but this time around we haven't discussed a back-up plan. I think it's a sign that both of us don't really know what to do if IVF #2 doesn't work. This scares the living bejeezus out of me because both Doc and I are super-planners and we hate not having back-up plans. To not have one means that: 1) we can't think of one, or 2) we don't want to think about our inital plan not working. Unfortunately, I think the reason is all of the above.
Since we haven't talked about a contigency plan, I don't know where Doc's head is at. I'm not sure if he's leaning towards another IVF or towards adoption, donor eggs, or living as DINKS, and to top it off, I'm not even sure what I'm leaning towards. I just hope that we're both leaning in the same direction. So far, our marriage has remained strong. Yes, we've had a few hormone-induced spats, but nothing that's done any major damage. But, I'm so scared about what would happen if he was dead-set on living as a DINK and I wanted to do IVF #3. Would we be able to work through that?
Also, our insurance coverage for IVF maxes out at $30K and we'll probably use it all by the end of this IVF, which means we won't have anything left for a possible IVF #3. While we're fortunate enough to have the additional money to be able to fund IVF #3 out-of-pocket, if necessary, I don't know if Doc would agree to this.
There just seems to be so many unknowns that have the potential of affecting our lives on such a significant level and yet, we have absolutely no control over anything. Sometimes I feel we're just along for the ride.
Back from NZ
2 weeks ago