Monday, June 7, 2010

Just Along For The Ride

The fear is starting to kick in. What if this IVF doesn't work? Do we have it in us to do IVF #3...and #4...and #5? When do we stop? How long do we have to sneak around our families and friends? What do I do next?

I know I should be optomistic and think positive thoughts, but having one failure after another really doesn't allow for those thoughts. I am scared enough this time around that I've actually thought that maybe we should postpone this IVF. If this IVF doesn't work, particularly with Dr. Zed, what hope do I have left?

Last time around, Doc and I had discussed what we would do if IVF #1 didn't work and we both agreed that we would do IVF #2, but this time around we haven't discussed a back-up plan. I think it's a sign that both of us don't really know what to do if IVF #2 doesn't work. This scares the living bejeezus out of me because both Doc and I are super-planners and we hate not having back-up plans. To not have one means that: 1) we can't think of one, or 2) we don't want to think about our inital plan not working. Unfortunately, I think the reason is all of the above.

Since we haven't talked about a contigency plan, I don't know where Doc's head is at. I'm not sure if he's leaning towards another IVF or towards adoption, donor eggs, or living as DINKS, and to top it off, I'm not even sure what I'm leaning towards. I just hope that we're both leaning in the same direction. So far, our marriage has remained strong. Yes, we've had a few hormone-induced spats, but nothing that's done any major damage. But, I'm so scared about what would happen if he was dead-set on living as a DINK and I wanted to do IVF #3. Would we be able to work through that?

Also, our insurance coverage for IVF maxes out at $30K and we'll probably use it all by the end of this IVF, which means we won't have anything left for a possible IVF #3. While we're fortunate enough to have the additional money to be able to fund IVF #3 out-of-pocket, if necessary, I don't know if Doc would agree to this.

There just seems to be so many unknowns that have the potential of affecting our lives on such a significant level and yet, we have absolutely no control over anything. Sometimes I feel we're just along for the ride.


sienna said...

hang in there babes. i have complete confidence in dr z's ability to get your preggers. i 100% believe that when ivf doesn't work, it's bc (a) something got screwed up in the protocol, (b) the female has immune issues or other stuff wrong with her or (c) the wrong embryo/blast was transferred. in your case (a) is being addressed with this estrogen priming and higher dosage that dr z has you on, (b) has been addressed with all of the testing dr z did for ya and (c) if this happens to be the case, then hopefully you'll have some frozen embabies on ice to do an FET.

i hear you about having a backup plan. the word planner is actually in my job title, so i most def know what you mean about wanting to plan things. i really hope you and doc are on the same page for what happens next, but hopefully that conversation isn't even necessary :o) xxx.

ps - if you noticed, or do notice, i had to hide my blog temporarily bc a real life frenemy may have found it due to my carelessness :o( will try to hid at the end of next week.

Anonymous said...

I'm a big planner too. It's a scary situation. All you can do is take one step at a time and see how it all plays out. Also keep open lines of communication at all times. I'll be rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm a big planner too, but planning doesn't necessaryily help when it comes to IVF or pregnancy. Sometimes you have to try to leave planning to the side, as much as that might feel like free climbing without ropes. I guess I'm not a very encouraging example, but maybe you won't need to plan past this cycle?

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. When I did my first IVF I thought for sure it would work & when it didn't, & then IVF #2 failed, despite 3 perfect looking embies, I was crushed. Maybe you should talk to Doc & see where his head is at, it helped me a lot to do just that & once we agreed on our plan I felt 100% better.

I'm thinking positive thoughts for this IVF to work for you, you've learned a lot from your past & so has Dr. Z. Hang in there!! (((HUGS)))

Dandelion Bud said...

i always felt better knowing what plan b was. And I always had one. I think before IVF #2 gets started, you guys need to sit down and figure out where both of your heads are.

Our IVF #2 plan b was a second and third opinion, followed by donor eggs. I had NO idea where we'd get the $$ for the DE, but it was definitely going to happen.

The worst I felt in this whole process was NOT knowing what was going to happen next. Once I had a plan, it was all different.

Good luck sweetie.

Lisa said...

oh sooz... i so get where you're at right now. hubs and i have a plan for ivf#1 only but nothing further than that. i often find myself wondering what will happen if that doesn't pan out. i wish this didn't have to be so damn hard! i'm thinking of you and hoping beyond hope that ivf#2 is the one!