Monday, June 28, 2010

Pathetic

I'm really embarrassed to admit this, but since I've written about all sorts of things here, I might as well go the full 9 yards and confess...I POAS when I knew the HCG shot was still in my system just so I could see what a positive stick looked like.

Is that seriously pathetic or what? I just wanted to see if I could really make a stick turn positive and see those two little lines even when I knew that those two little lines were false. I'm seriously losing it, right? This is what IF has turned me into.

I go in for my beta on Thursday and I don't think I'm going to test before then. I'm 99.9% sure it'll be negative. I don't have any symptoms, nothing, nada, not even a twinge of boob soreness, bloating, headaches, or nausea.

Doc and I have talked a bit about our next steps if this doesn't work. I've scheduled consultations with SI.RM, CC.RM, NO.VA (another clinic in our area), and I recently emailed our old RE (Dr. P) who actually thinks that we can get pregnant with my eggs and says not to give up. With all these consultations, I hope we'll get some answers that will help us decide where to go.

Most likely our next cycle will be in early 2011. I'll spend the next 6 months doing acupuncture and herbs (hopefully to improve egg quality), taking metformin and possibly doing one or two IUI cycles. I've also talked with Doc about reducing my hours here at work and taking some time to decompress. Although, my job isn't stressful, I think I might benefit from reducing the workload.

But, in the meantime, I'm still counting the minutes until doomsday...

8 comments:

sienna said...

you're not crazy, i bet half of us girls have p'doas just to see those double lines!!!

i'm glad you have a bunch of 2nd opinions lined up so that you can hear differing opinions on what to do next. BUT, i'm still hoping and pulling for this current cycle to work!! i'm not letting the fat lady sing. i will sit on her!!!!

hang in there till thurs. this 2ww business is just rough. i'm glad you talked about lightening up on work. i'm hoping to have that convo with dh very soon. it's just too much at times.

xoxoxoxo

Browniris said...

Stopping by from ICLW...

I don't think you are crazy at all for POAS when you know it will still be positive.

Hopefully you will get a nice surprise at the end of your 2ww, but if not, hopefully you can get the help and direction you need from one of your upcoming appointments.

subfertilefrugalista said...

That's not pathetic at all! I am sure many people have done it. Wishing you the best outcome tomorrow...symptoms aren't everything and there is still hope!

ventingvagina said...

that is totally NOT pathetic. i did the same thing during my fresh IVF.

sounds like you have good next steps in place, but i'm still holding out for your BFP, my dear. july will be it and thursday will be july 1st!

Lisa said...

I laughed when I read this Sooz ... Us infertiles will do some pretty nutty things!

I am hoping and wishing and praying that your beta is positive on Thursday so you don't have to talk about next steps!

lowfatlady said...

Not pathetic at all. I have wanted to do the same thing, but I haven't yet.

tasivfer said...

I had my last Pregnyl shot on Sunday, and as today's my birthday so I've been thinking of taking a pregnancy test just so I could see what those double lines would look like on my birthday! So I totally understand! :-)

sienna said...

beta day! good luck. trying to send good vibes your way and i hope you get some pleasant, happy news :o)

ps - i think i'll def keep going to therapy. at least until i'm DEEP into a healthy pregnancy. she said that most ppl leave her around the time the first trimester ends and they start feeling "safe". i don't think i'll ever feel safe, so this lady is stuck with me :o)