That's what I'm riding right now. I feel like I'm one step away from full blown breakdown.
I'm supposed to be relaxing and thinking positive thoughts, but all I can do is think about Dr. Zed and his f***ing donor egg comment. I'm pissed, sad, hopeless, frustrated, and so, so confused. I understand that he was being completely honest with me and not getting my hopes up, but damn, is this really it? Am I at the end of the line? Both times I tested my FSH, it was 6.8 and 7.6. Granted, not super awesome, but not bad either. The same goes for my antral follicle count. So, then what the hell? How can I be expected to throw in the towel with stats like that?
I mean, doesn't the fact that my periods are super light and I have very low estrogen levels change anything? Can't there be something done to adjust for the low hormones? He hasn't even made an attempt to even look at that. No one's tested my testosterone levels or my LH levels. Couldn't those provide some insight as to why my eggs are immature and then maybe we could find some sort of solution?
I've already spent hours upon hours searching the internet for information. I'm almost positive that I have oligomenorrhea, the term used to describe infrequent or very light menstruation in a woman with previously normal periods. It usually occurs in women with PCOS and may be caused by an eating disorder and/or excessive exercise. Could it be that this has been/is my problem? But, if this is why I'm not getting pregnant, why didn't anyone see this before? Have I spent the last 2 years doing useless procedures?
I know some of this is my fault...actually, maybe a lot of it is my fault. See, I've never openly told anyone about my "food/exercise issues." I'm not even sure if that's what it is. How do you get diagnosed with an eating/exercise disorder? When do you know you have one? I always thought that you only had it if you were 105lbs and 5'7" (like the women you see coming out in special Oprah segments).
It seems so hard to discern what is "healthy" living and what is a disorder? I always assumed the more you exercise, the better, right? I mean, that's what the government says: eat lots of vegetables and very little fats and carbs and exercise every day. That's what I did. And, the only people I know that have eating disorders are either stick skinny or throw up after every meal (neither of which I am/do). Is this why the doctors didn't see it either?
I'm sorry this is just a slow ramble. I'm just so confused right now. And the cherry on top: Doc wants this to be the last IVF cycle. So, this will be it. It's all or nothing.
Back from NZ
2 weeks ago