Thursday, June 24, 2010

On the Slow Boat To Insane...

That's what I'm riding right now. I feel like I'm one step away from full blown breakdown.

I'm supposed to be relaxing and thinking positive thoughts, but all I can do is think about Dr. Zed and his f***ing donor egg comment. I'm pissed, sad, hopeless, frustrated, and so, so confused. I understand that he was being completely honest with me and not getting my hopes up, but damn, is this really it? Am I at the end of the line? Both times I tested my FSH, it was 6.8 and 7.6. Granted, not super awesome, but not bad either. The same goes for my antral follicle count. So, then what the hell? How can I be expected to throw in the towel with stats like that?

I mean, doesn't the fact that my periods are super light and I have very low estrogen levels change anything? Can't there be something done to adjust for the low hormones? He hasn't even made an attempt to even look at that. No one's tested my testosterone levels or my LH levels. Couldn't those provide some insight as to why my eggs are immature and then maybe we could find some sort of solution?

I've already spent hours upon hours searching the internet for information. I'm almost positive that I have oligomenorrhea, the term used to describe infrequent or very light menstruation in a woman with previously normal periods. It usually occurs in women with PCOS and may be caused by an eating disorder and/or excessive exercise. Could it be that this has been/is my problem? But, if this is why I'm not getting pregnant, why didn't anyone see this before? Have I spent the last 2 years doing useless procedures?

I know some of this is my fault...actually, maybe a lot of it is my fault. See, I've never openly told anyone about my "food/exercise issues." I'm not even sure if that's what it is. How do you get diagnosed with an eating/exercise disorder? When do you know you have one? I always thought that you only had it if you were 105lbs and 5'7" (like the women you see coming out in special Oprah segments).

It seems so hard to discern what is "healthy" living and what is a disorder? I always assumed the more you exercise, the better, right? I mean, that's what the government says: eat lots of vegetables and very little fats and carbs and exercise every day. That's what I did. And, the only people I know that have eating disorders are either stick skinny or throw up after every meal (neither of which I am/do). Is this why the doctors didn't see it either?

I'm sorry this is just a slow ramble. I'm just so confused right now. And the cherry on top: Doc wants this to be the last IVF cycle. So, this will be it. It's all or nothing.


lis said...

have you considered a second opinion? you know your body better than any doctor. you don't have to give up just because someone else thinks its time. good luck.

sienna said...

oh babes - i'm sooo sorry you're in this predicament right now. i've been thinking about you every day and hoping like hell that that little morula turns into a big fat (healthy) baby for you guys. you have a *great* chance this time around, so i hope this 2ww starts to pick up speed for you bc i can hear your misery.

i think the donor egg conversation is completely premature. i have to think dr z said that bc all RE's think that they are the best, and if they can't provide a different outcome from you than someone else did (when they were confident that they would), that they just throw their hands up in the air as opposed to DIGGING for more answers. so i'm glad you're digging on your own and coming up with possible reasons for all this.

don't beat yourself up about this being your fault. i swam competitively since i was 5 and starting at age 8, i swam 5 hours a day up until college. my period came at 14 compared to all my friends getting theirs as 11-12, and i'm convinced that the over-exercising did my body in somehow. but what can we do. who the hell knew that this $hit would happen to us??? it's not our fault. we just dealt some $hitty $hitty cards.

what is doc's alternative if this is the last ivf? you know, part of me is kicking myself in the butt for never trying iui's and going straight to ivf. the whole immature eggie thing from the first round makes me wonder if ivf is just bad for my eggs and iui's won't be better for me.

can you guys go back to doing iui's for a while if the need arises? i can't imagine that your doc is just giving up. and there is no way in hell that i believe that you don't have some good eggs in you. maybe ivf isn't the best way to get your eggs and iui is instead? you hear of some girls getting pregnant on their 8th, 9th iui's and statistically speaking if their eggs are okay and so is their hubby's sperm, one of those turns was bound to take.

have i lost you with all my yammering yet??? bottom line, you have a great shot and are PUPO right now, so *fingers crossed* that the "what now" conversation will never have to happen. secondly, you have good eggs in there. that donor egg talk is crap, so let's just pretend dr z was on crack when he mentioned it.

sending you *BIG HUGS*!!

sienna said...

ps - i love that you're gonna get an extra opinion with SIRM. there's no way that they won't run the FULL gamut of tests on you and fix those hormone levels right up. i discovered them after i already decided on dr D for the next round, but was impressed that they test you for EVERYTHING under the sun.

as much as i love your dr z, it sounds like he has a specialty and your exact situation doesn't fit into his "magical solution". i fear that your issue is my issue as well given both of our first ivf's, so i NEED YOU TO GET PREGNANT girlfriend. and you will.


Geochick said...

I think a second opinion or demanding those tests just to put your mind at ease is probably a good idea. FWIW, I haven't overexercised (maybe when I was taking ballet 6x a week as a teen?) but definitely never restricted calories and my tests all come back 'normal'. I'm not pregnant, never have been. :p Who knows what goes on with our bodies sometimes!

irrationalexuberance said...

Do you need company on your boat trip? Because I am right there with you.

I'm sorry your RE chose that moment to be so fucking negative. I think that was really poor timing, as you should be thinking positive, growing thoughts.

I also agree with Sienna -- get a second opinion -- there might be a really good tactical reason that your eggs are coming out immature, and someone else might be able to see what Dr Z is missing. It seems to me that immature eggs are more the fault of the protocol than of you -- you have plenty of eggs, and so it's just getting the good ones.

Feel better.

Britt said...

Oh Sooz, slow boat to crazy seems like an appropriate title to my life! Except for some days when it seems like it's a speed boat to crazy! I hope that you can speak to your doctor and get some resolution about the situation! Best of luck and Happy ICLW!

Anonymous said...

the title of this post really resonated with me. i am on the edge of crazy and yet i am still able to hold it together. one small thing though and i'll be over the edge. siiigh. i am with you, girl.

okay, you definitely need another opinion(s). i'm pissed your dr even suggested DE at this point. we need you focusing on the positive, not insensitive comments like that! try not to worry about anything being your "fault." there's nothing you can do to change your past, but we can change your meds if needed. *IF* this doesn't work (and i KNOW it will) you can get opinions until you find the doctor with the plan you like best. but i bet you won't even need to go there. :)

sending you lots of positive thoughts! (hugs)

Strange Girl said...

I would also suggest a second opinion, if that's possible. Also, I would be upfront with your doctor about any eating/exercising abnormalities, even if you don't consider it a disorder. It may help with a diagnosis. Hopefully, you won't need to worry about it after this 2ww.

Anonymous said...

*hugs* I am so sorry. I have done some of the same research and found the same things. can you get a second opinion with someone who will actually look at your test results?

Fibroid Shrinker said...

I found your blog because
I too am obsessed with egg quality. I just felt like I had to write because I think we have the same fertility doctor -- clinic symbol is a Chinese character, correct? Anyway, my husband and I are so pissed at him, we think he is totally narrow and rigid in his approach and has ignored key issues that matter to us. We are about to dump him. And it is SO JUST LIKE HIM to tell someone young like you to get donor eggs rather than exploring other things. I wanted to tell you that so that you know it's not just you and don't let him get to you. He has one way of doing things and one way only, and if it doesn't work for someone then it's their fault! Please don't give up!
Three other info tidbits for you:
1. I'm gathering a ton of egg quality info on my blog, maybe some of it will be helpful to you
2. Since you talked about eating low fat. Last week my husband and I went to a fascinating lecture by Sally Fallon author of Nourishing Traditions, and the bottom line was that fats are key to getting pregnant -- her prescription was lots of cheese made from raw milk, caviar, liver pate, cod liver oil, and eggs from organic cage free hens.
3. We are about to go see East Bay Fertility Clinic in Dublin, that has a nutritionist on staff.
Wishing you the very best of luck and don't let Dr. Zed get you down.