Monday, March 15, 2010


That about sums up how I feel right now. I've been awake since 4:30am and tried to go back to sleep for about an hour, but then gave up and came downstairs.

I've been thinking about everything...everything from second-guessing our decision to wait for a year after marriage to start TTC to wondering if my years of birth control pills affected my fertility. I know I have to relax and stop stressing, but stressing about not stressing is just making it that much worse.

It just kills me that out of the 10 eggs only 3 were mature. The embryologist told us right before our retrieval that they usually they get about 50% of the eggs fertilized. We had 20%.

I know I should be thankful that we have even 20%, but why can't I be "average" just once? I'm not asking for an A or a B, I'd be happy with a C or hell, even a C-. Why is something that's so naturally part of life such a f*&%ing struggle?

Sorry for the sh%ty post. I'm just sick of being positive and I don't want to deal with this crap anymore. I want my f*&$ing life back!


Dandelion Bud said...

you're looking at it wrong, Sooz. You didn't have 20% fertilize. You had 66%.

Immature eggs don't fertilize. So you can't count those.

You had 2/3 fertilize. My RE says the goal is 60% fert rate too... you got that. 60% of your mature eggs fertilized.

Try to stay positive. i KNOW how hard that is to do. But you're still in the game. You're absolutely still in the game.

thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Hoping that your 2 beautiful embies snuggle in nice & tight once they put them where they belong! Thinking of you & sending (((HUGS)))!

sienna said...

*hugs*. goodluck on your transfer this morning. dandelion bud is right, your fertilized rate was 2/3's. you can't count the immature ones! mine only counted bc they ended up maturing thru ivm.

i know you probably came into this cycle hoping for a bunch of embies to freeze, but just focus on the 2 that are doing well bc you could end up with TWINS and never have to do this again!

i know your results were much less than what you were hoping for (been there!!) but you're still very much in the running. so just focus on the now and don't give up hope :o)

Anonymous said...

Aww... *bear hug* I hear you Sooz, but just keep your head up and keep fighting the good fight! My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope the ET went well this morning! When you can't find the positivity for yourself, immerse yourself in the positivity and love of those who care for you. God bless you!!