I know I shouldn't jump the gun and I should be relaxing and remaining optimistic, but I just can't help wondering what I should do if this cycle is a bust.
I don't know if I/we can go through another cycle of meds and IUI. This last time around was so stressful for us and put such a strain on our lives. If feels like my life has been hijacked by this trying to conceive process. At times, I feel bitter, angry and resentful. To whom? No one in particular, just at the entire world. I hate feeling like this. I want to be happy -- I want to enjoy life.
So, what am I going to do if this cycle ends in a BFN? I really thought I would do another IUI -- 3 is the magic number, right? We'd do injections this time and then if we failed, we'd move on to IVF. But, really, do we need to do another IUI?
Our insurance covers 100% of the IUIs and 80% of the IVF (including meds). Although, 20% of an IVF is still expensive, it's not the deciding factor. I still have this small sliver of hope that I can get pregnant without doing IVF. I think part of me sees going to IVF as capitulating and acknowledging that somehow I'm insufficient...lacking in my ability to conceive a baby. I know it seems weird because since I'm here, obviously we are having problems conceiving, but IVF somehow cements it. There's no way of saying, "hey, all we needed was a little help."
Thinking about things objectively and looking at the numbers, I know that IVF would be the better route. I'm not getting any younger and if I'm going to start injecting myself with meds, I might as well go all the way and do IVF. But, why is it so hard to accept?
The Days Are Long but the Years Are Short
3 days ago