Too Long!

First, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and is joyfully recovering from food coma. Second, argh! It's been way too long since I last posted. I can't believe it's been over a month. I don't even know where to begin, so you'll have to excuse me, but I'm going to make a list of all that has been happening between then and now.

1) I'm almost 19 weeks! Holy smoking cows! My belly is definitely starting to protrude and I've given up wearing anything but elastic waistbands. It's a little surreal to look down and not be able to see the underside of your belly.

2) No more all day nausea...finally! Hallelujah! I still have bouts of queasiness here and there, but overall my nausea has definitely subsided. I don't have any cravings and my only real food aversion is to sweets, particularly pastries. I used to love all things cake and pie and now, not so much.

3) I got a promotion, well, sort of...That's part of the reason for my absence. I got an "interim" manager position around the time I found out I was pregnant. Supposedly, it was to be a 3 month gig to determine whether or not I wanted to permanently take the position (it's very different from my current position and would be a definite career change), but it's turned into an indefinite timeline. Add to that, I still have the responsibilities of my current position, so I'm doing double-duty. Hence, my lack of downtime for blogging (because if you can't blog during work, when can you blog?!).

4) Babymoons...Doc and I have just taken 1 of 2 babymoons. We went to Kauai over Thanksgiving and we're (or should I say he's) in the midst of finalizing plans for our Xmas babymoon to Spain, Portugal and Morocco. This is probably our last hurrah for awhile, so we're trying to make the most of it.

5) Sleep and backaches. My old back injury has returned with a vengeance. To combat this, I've been trying to sleep on my side, not to mention that I'll have to side sleep exclusively starting at 20 weeks, but, let me tell you, I HATE sleeping on my side. I am a back sleeper and our bed is nice and firm, made specifically for back sleepers. Side sleeping is making me miserable. I've tried multiple pillows, bought a snoogle, and even switched to sleeping in the spare bedroom, but it's just not working. Any advice?

6) Pink or blue? That is the big question in both households right now. See, Doc is one of three sons and both  of his brothers have 2 sons, so there is a definite lack of estrogen on his side of the family. On my side of the family, being that this is the first grandchild/niece/nephew, my mom and sister are just waiting with bated breath to see if it's a boy or a girl. We have the anatomy scan scheduled for this Wed, so I'm guessing that we'll then!

That's the update for the timebeing. I'm sorry for the long winded post, but it's been so long, there was a lot to catch up on. Oh, and I also apologize for being so remiss on the commenting...I'm hoping that I'll be back on the ball soon!

What Not Wednesday (A Day Late)

Yeah, it's Thursday, but I'm going to pretend it's Wednesday and post random What Not thoughts for the day. I know my blog has been seriously lacking in any sort of interesting, stimulating or even somewhat engaging content and for that I apologize. IVF #4 has sucked the life blood right out of me and my blog, but now that it's over, I can post the most exciting aspects of my life starting with:

Korean Dramas: Since I started IVF #3, I've been hooked. I started watching one that my mother recommended  to me while I was in Denver. I had the time and it was brainless, but one thing led to another and now I'm hooked. All the crying in the rain while Girl A waits for Boy A to come home from the military. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law drama. The independent, head-strong Girl with attitude gets Rich Boy because he falls in love with her no-nonsense personality. All of the story plots are the same, but they are oh so good. Guilty pleasures, I tell you!

Coffee and Exercise: I can have both...again! Hallelujah! I had my first cup of coffee on Monday morning and it was so delish! And as for running, I went for a 3.5 mile run on Saturday, outside, in the sun and I didn't do too bad. I made it with a pace of less than 10 min/mile. Not great, but not bad.

Vacations: Doc is putting the last minute touches on our itinerary for our Iceland/Scandinavia trip. We'll be spending 5 days in Iceland, renting a car and driving around the island. We'll be spending the remaining 9 days in Greenland, Sweden, Finland and Estonia. I know...it's a lot of countries to be covering in such a short amount of time. Luckily, they countries are close and so the flights are quick. I'm excited, but at the same time, a bit anxious because I know it'll be a pretty tiring vacation. We're also going to Sequoia National Park over Memorial Day weekend. Not as exotic as Scandinavia, but I'm still looking forward to it. Both Doc and I haven't been since we were in elementary school, so it'll be nice to get away and commune with nature.

That's about it in a nutshell! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we get to do the FET in July. The sooner, the better!

Life's Updates

I'm back from Utah and the best snow on Earth! I have to agree with that statement...On Sunday, we rode on the most amazing powder. Here in CA, we get what people call Sierra Sludge. The snow is wet and heavy and on a powder day, it'll just weigh you down and stop you cold in your tracks. But, in Utah, the snow is heavenly. It's weightless, soft, and you glide effortlessly down the mountain. I've never boarded on anything so amazing. And to think, Park City is less than a 2 hour plane ride from us! Guess where I'll be next winter.

On the flip side, I'm sick. Without fail, I always get sick when I go on vacation. The day before we left for Utah, I got the usual sore throat and then sneezing which led to the runny nose and cough. So, between runs, I spent my chairlift rides blowing my nose and swallowing meds to keep my cold at bay. But, I am proud to say that I did not miss a day of snowboarding. Even in my invalid state, I dragged my ass to the slopes and got my runs in. Unfortunately, this cold seems to have a very long half-life and is still lingering. I'm hoping to kick it to the curb by this weekend, but I won't place any bets.

As for my cycle, I started the estrogen priming this morning and now I'm just waiting for AF to come. She should be here by tomorrow or Friday, so I wait...again. If she comes as anticipated, I'll start stims on the 5th and leave for Denver on the 9th. Less than two weeks and I'll be back at CCRM.

It's the End of the Year and I'm Annoyed

Oh, I know you're supposed to be thinking about all the things that you're grateful for and tis the season to be happy and all of that, but I've also got my list of annoyances (probably should get ready for that lump of coal) that I'm going to put them down in writing. Why? Because I feel like it. Yeah, so take that, universe! But, to save you from reading miles of rants, I'm going to narrow it down to my top 3. That's my present to you -- I know, very generous.

1) I HATE vanity sizing (this is why this post is being written). I bought a pair of jeans at Costco (yes, sometimes I buy my clothes at Costco -- this is a post for another time). A pair of Levi's jeans that looked nice and so seeing as I couldn't try them on, I bought them in my typical size 8. Now, I've worn a size 8 for as long as I can remember, however, I've noticed in the past 3 years or so that the size 8s in the stores are loose. But hey, a size 8 is a size 8, right? So, I get them home, try them on and they're freaking huge...like clown pants and now I have to go back to Costco, during the holiday season, and return these bozo-sized pants so I can get a size 6. I go back, return them, fight the crowds and come home with my size 6 and low and behold these are big, too! The ass sags like I need more junk in my trunk and trust me, no more junk is needed. So, here I am having to make yet another Costco run to get a SIZE 4?! Who are these people trying to fool -- I am NO size 4. I haven't been a size 4 since freshman year in high school. If I'm a size 4, how do people that are skinnier than I am ever find clothes?! Where do all the size 0s go? What is going on in this world? I hate shopping and now I hate it even more (fist shakes in air for emphasis)!

2) I HATE my gym. Ok, that's a pretty broad statement...so let me explain. I used to go to a gym that I loved, but it was costing me $96 per month. When we began doing IF treatments, I realized I wouldn't be going as much, so I left that gym and went to stank-ass-cheap-crappy gym which now costs me less than $10 per month (with my 3 year contract). This gym sucks. I always have to wait for equipment and no one wipes their sweat. But, the two most annoying aspects of the gym: no one freakin' RACKS their weights. Fuckers, please, rack your weights! I don't want to throw out my back because I have to rack your 2000lbs off the leg press. I'm a 130lb female...You're a 300lb male. If you put them on, you can put them back. The second most annoying thing is the music. For the love of god, please, please turn down the gym music. Almost everyone brings their own music and I DO NOT want to listen to 50 cent rap about bitches and hos while trying to run to Eye of the Tiger...They do not mix. There was no 50 cent in Rocky.

3) I HATE crappy drivers. I know everyone hates crappy drivers, particularly the reckless ones that drive like their in some kind of NASCAR race, but even more than that I hate the slow, clueless drivers. The ones that drive in the left lane at 50 miles per hour with their blinkers on and I hate to say it because these are my peeps, but man, Asians are bad drivers, particularly old Asians. They will drive 40 miles per hour on the freeway in the left lane chatting with their compadre completely oblivious to the fact that there are 60 cars behind them tailing their ass. And then out of the blue, they'll cross over 4 lanes of freeway traffic, cutting off the entire world, to make their exit because they've been chatting with their fellow Asian passengers. Sadly, I believe my mother is one of these people....*sigh*

Oh, and the list could go on and on, but I won't inundate you with any more of my nonsensical rants. The holidays are here and we're supposed to be happy and stuff, so now that I've gotten all this off my chest, I can put on my happy face and go out into the world to spread cheer and all that other crap. Buh-bye!

Signed, Sealed and Delivered

Relief...CC.RM got our blood work and all is ok in the world. We finally got it right and just in time for the results to be in for our call with Dr. S tomorrow.

Now, all I have to deal with is Doc and his complaining about why CC.RM has to do all the testing at their labs. Just for his own personal validation, Doc ordered the same tests through the Big K lab, so we'll see how they compare to CC.RM's results. If they're similar, I'll never hear the end of it...

As for other things going on in my life, I've got a brunch date with my girlfriends this Sunday which I'm dreading because I haven't seen one of them since her wedding in July and I have a strong hunch that she might announce her pregnancy. Then I've got to put on my happy face while I try to hide behind my pancakes and hash browns.

On the happy side, my cold is finally getting better. After four long weeks, I can say that I am no longer hacking up a lung! Got to find the small joys in life if you're going to get through the day.

A Room With A View

I've been doing mucho research on IVF and things that may be able to help me in the upcoming cycle, but I also wanted to acknowledge all that Doc has done for our cycles, so in honor of his hard work, I give you Doc's ratings.

Every time we do an IVF or IUI cycle, I ask Doc what "materials" they had on-site to help him in his manly endeavors. It's our (or my) way of getting some laughs out of the otherwise fairly stressful event. He's has been to five separate clinics and tested out five different sets of materials and here is his summary:

• Clinic #1: This was his first clinic and he wasn't sure what to expect. But he came back with a thorough report...Room was a closet with very thin walls where he could hear all the conversations being held in the main office area. So, although there was a TV and DVD player with a fairly good selection of material, he didn't want to turn on the TV, lest someone here the "noises" coming from his closet. It took him longer than he expected because of the distracting conversations outside from the nurses discussing what they were going to eat for lunch, made it difficult to concentrate on his manly duties. Overall Rating: Thumbs Down.
• Clinic #2: Same clinic. Different office. This one was a little bit better and he was a bit more prepared for what to expect. He proudly relayed that he did his duties in record time and was out the door before the morning traffic started to back up. Overall Rating: Thumbs Up.
• Clinic #3: This was for our first IVF cycle. Again, similar materials...DVDs and magazines. He gave me a more detailed account of the materials at this clinic. Seeing as we live in the Bay Area and we have a diverse community, the DVD selection reflected the "equal opportunity" sentiment and thus included everything from "Asian Babes" to "Hispanic Hotties." Doc liked the fact that they were so nondiscriminatory and catered to the broad tastes of their clients, so he gave this clinic a Thumbs Up!
• Clinic #4: This one made Doc go "huh?". And, once he relayed his report back to me, I was a bit puzzled, too. They seemed to cater to the Asian Persuasion. As in everything, all materials, were Asian-centric and the room was actually named....The Zebra Room with name plate and matching zebra decor. Now, I know that our area of the country has it's fair share of Asians, but I'm not sure that having only Asian materials really does it for every man. But, then I started to think, perhaps, they have themed rooms because they have specific materials for each room. Zebra Room -- Asians; Tiger Room -- Caucasian; Gazelle Room -- Hispanics...you get the picture. But, then how do they know which room the man would prefer? Do they go by the race of the wife? The race of the man? Or just the vibes that the man gives? All in all, very strange and a bit too overboard...Just give the man a room, a porno mag, and a cup. MY rating: Thumbs Down.
• Clinic #5: Well, this one was also a bit weird. Doc compared it to a scene from Mission Impossible. He was told to go downstairs to the basement, using the elevator and then to pick up the phone from the wall. The person on the phone would then meet him and direct him to "the room," where he would complete his mission. He was then told to call again to confirm the completion of the mission. As for the materials, Doc was a bit disappointed about the selection. Their commitment to diversity was sorely missing (obviously, not the Bay Area) and he was not very impressed with their magazine selection. Overall Rating: Thumbs Down.

Hopefully, this next round will be his final tour of duty and he'll be able to retire. He's been a trouper and I appreciate his willingness to sacrifice for the cause. :)

The Flip Side Of Life

My life revolves around IF 90% of the time, but the other 10% of the time is spent thinking about other things, most notably, selling our current house and moving. This has been a major goal for both Doc and I since we got married. At first it was because we wanted to move into a better neighborhood with better schools for our soon-to-be children (insert mock laughter here), but now, it's just to get our of our 'hood.

Not that our 'hood is all that bad. It's a tract house in a relatively new development, but like a lot of new housing developments, the quality of the residents have gone downhill since Doc bought the place back in 2002. Many of the homes have foreclosed and the new neighbors are not all that friendly nor are they very considerate of their fellow residents. Add that to the fact that although the house is a comfortable 1700 sq ft most of that space is in the 4 bedrooms, of which, we only use 2 and the remainder of the house (i.e., kitchen, living room, dining room) is pretty small and can fit a max of about 10 adults comfortably. And then lastly, there is NO backyard. This was a plus when Doc was living by himself, a lazy bachelor with better things to do on the weekends than prune a yard, but now, we'd like to spend a nice evening BBQ with friends and family, but have no where to do it!

But, wait that's not all! We also have a condo that is currently underwater...My condo, the one that I proudly owned when I was living single. The one that I now regret even thinking about buying. *sigh*

So, with that, we have two properties with mortgages totaling over $800K that are both underwater. We'd like to move into a neighborhood further in the 'burbs that has nice, wide tree-lined streets and friendly neighbors. We've saved quite a bit of money, but not enough to put down 20-30% on a new house AND also pay off whatever mortgage (the amount currently underwater) we'd have remaining on our house and our condo after selling them because God knows we wouldn't get what we paid.

I know I shouldn't complain, but sometimes you just have to. I keep telling Doc that maybe we should consider leaving the Bay Area and move to Nebraska or Illinois or anywhere else besides the Bay because everywhere else (with the exception of NYC) is probably cheaper. But, then I think about the weather (I HATE humidity) and I think about leaving family and I think about living where you can't find a good taco truck to save your life and forget about eating Ethopian food or dim sum or never getting a good bowl of pho and I realize that I should just shut up because I'm never leaving.

Year of the Rabbit

I know this is going to sound like a whole lot of hocus-pocus and I wasn't going to write this because, ya know, who wants to sound like an old superstitious Asian lady, but what the hell...I'm already half-way there.

About 6 months into our TTC ordeal, I started seeing a Korean acupuncturist. At one of my sessions, he asked me questions about when I was born, when Doc was born, what time we were born, etc.. At the end of the questioning, he told me that we'd most likely have a baby in the year of the rabbit. Now, at that time, it was July 2009 and the year of the rabbit is 2011. I nearly flipped my lid! He was telling me that I had to wait 2 years for a baby.

Well, low and behold, 2011 is right around the corner and I can't help, but think if that prediction is true. Now he didn't say whether we'd conceive or birth in 2011, but our IVF is scheduled to start in mid-late January 2011, so retrieval would be early-mid February and transfer could be anytime after that depending on whether we do the chromosome testing or not. Lunar New Year is February 3, 2011.

I hate to think I've become *gasp* my mother, by believing in this stuff, but who knows? I've got to have some kind of hope to hold on to. At the very least, it's sort of interesting that I've come full circle and here I am facing 2011 and still no baby.

Back In the Saddle

Thank you to everyone for all your comments. I made it through the weekend without any more meltdowns and I'm back in the saddle again.

I spent most of this weekend reading about everything and anything associated with CC.RM. I don't think I mentioned this, but my RE at the Big K, told me the secret to CC.RM is their lab and more specifically, their embryologist, David Gard.ner. I guess, Scho.olcraf.t was able to lure DG all the way from Australia to work come and work for him. Prior to CC.RM, he did extensive research on animal embryos and used some of his knowledge and research from that on humans. He's also the one that first successfully did a blastocyst transfer and I guess all the embryo cultures that they now use in IVFs are all called Gard.ner something-or-other.

Anyway, I'm hoping that they'll be able to work they're magic on me.

The other part of my weekend was spent thinking about all the "what-ifs." What if we had gone directly to CC.RM after our failed IVF #1? What if we had started TTC immediately after we got married instead of waiting a year? What if this cycle doesn't work? What if an alien snatched my body and then was able to get pregnant?

So, now, after all that thinking and over use of my brain, I can barely function on this glorious Monday and I'm counting the minutes until I can get out of here. Oh, and AF is now here.

This Is My Life

I had to write again because I'm beyond frustrated and I'm mad. No, wait a minute...I'm FUCKING mad! I just don't get it. I want to go around screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?"

At least give me a freaking answer...Endometriosis? Bad eggs? Too old? PCOS? But, this shit...Giving me a "great" cycle (four fucking mature eggs, a sperm count that according to the RE was "donor" material, an awesomely thick lining and a stellar ovulation) all to end in another BFN is almost more than I can take.

I'm so sick of it! I want a diagnosis. I want a fucking explanation. I just want out of this vicious circle of hope and pain.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Q&A

Sienna from It's Baby Time has bestowed me with the honor of a Q&A chain letter. Since I always think it's fun to find out about bloggers, I thought I'd torture you with some facts about moi.

(1) what is your dream occupation?

Without a doubt, I have two dream occupations and they're sort of related. I would be a professional snowboarder. Travel all over the world to different places, shoot Warren Miller films, and spend my days snowboarding in fresh powder. Which leads me to my second dream job, to work for a travel company or travel magazine which pays me go anywhere in the world. That would be the life!

(2) what is the best dish that you can cook?

Well, I enjoy baking more than I enjoy cooking, so I'd say that the best thing that I make is a stawberry cream cake...sort of like the ones that you buy in the Asian bakeries. It's like a sponge cake with very light, fluffy frosting and lots of fruit. I also make a mean pumpkin cheesecake.

(3) have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? what for?

Once. At the age of 4, I was in a local parade and had my picture taken for the local newspaper.

(4) what's the worst and/or most memorable job you've ever had?

OMG...where to start? I've had so many jobs, but probably the most memorable was my summer job before my senior year in high school. I worked at a marine theme park in the guest services booth. We handled everything from customer complaints to lost children. I got paid $4.25/hour and discovered that my strengths did not lie in customer service.

(5) when you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? how old were you in reality when you got married?

I really had no "visions" regarding marriage nor did I have a personal timeline. I guess I just sort of assumed that I'd be married by 27 (that's when my mom got married) and I'd have children sometime after that. In reality, I got married at 32, and now, here I am at 35.

(6) what's your most hated household chore? what's your favorite?

I hate cleaning the bathtub/shower because it's such a pain in the ass. It's unwieldy, my backaches after bending over and I always, always end up soaked. Luckily, early on in our marriage, Doc and I agreed we'd have someone come every couple of weeks to clean our house. Saves our sanity, time and marriage.

(7) what's your earliest memory?

I have a terrible memory, so probably my earliest memory is when I was about 4 years old and visiting relatives in Korea. I remember my grandparents' house, my cousins, and vaguely remember eating lots of chocoloate.

I'm not sure how many blogs I'm supposed to pass this along, too, but I hereby bequeath Geo Chick at Adventures of a Dam Engineer with this Q&A chain letter.

Another CD 1

So, where should I start? Lots of things have been going on. Some that are ok, others that are not so ok. But, let's start with the ok news.

It's CD 1 and I'm ok with that because I knew that this cycle would be a no-go. I had my hysteroscopy on CD 10 of my last cycle and since I wasn't allowed to have any type of babymaking for one week after, I knew there was very, very little chance that I'd be knocked up. So, along with this CD 1 comes a fresh cycle to try, yet again, and this time we're doing an IUI cycle with letra.zole and meno.pur. I know the chances of this working are slim (if that), but there's still a bit of hope.

In addition to the IUI blood work that I have to do, I'm also doing some CD 3 blood work for CCRM and since they require that they do the testing, I've got to freeze my blood in my freezer (right next to the ice cream and frozen pizza) and then ship it off to them with dry ice. I don't know how I feel about having my blood in my freezer, seems sort of...well, unhygenic and biohazardous and just plain gross, but what can you do. I'll just add it to the evergrowing list of shit I had to do to get pregnant.

Ok, so on to the not-so-ok stuff...My SIL is pregnant with baby #2, she has officially lapped me twice and she got pregnant while she was still breastfeeding. This is my SIL, who is married to Doc's younger brother and although I'm happy that I'll have another nephew/niece to spoil, it still glaringly emphasizes the fact that I am INFERTILE. I know everyone in Doc's family is wondering why we're not pregnant (only his older bro knows about our IF treatment) so the fact that my SIL is pregnant just brings this question up to the forefront. Sucks.

Another Milestone

Man! Has it really been over a week since I last posted? My humblest apologies for being so delinqent. You see, there really hasn't been much to write about. Since we're going au naturale this time around I haven't had any doctor drama or office visits to complain about. My biggest challenge has been to increase my caloric intake and not offset that by (literally) exercising my ass off.

Although I've been steadily increasing my food, I still am not consuming the 2000+ calories that the nutritioninst is recommending. Yes, you read that correctly...2000+. How the hell am I supposed to consume that much?! I really don't know. I've already gained 5 lbs since we started doing IVF and am now up to 130lbs at 5'6" and have stayed pretty much the same for the past few weeks. I'm scared to death of what may happen if I increase my calorie consumption to 2000. I will say I do love one side effect of gaining weight -- I'm not cold!! I don't have to wear sweaters in the middle of summer. Hallelujah!

I guess I could count the birthday cake that I'll be having tomorrow to my 2000 calories. Yep, I'm turning the big 3-5. I sincerely thought I'd be a mother by now. I even had the gall to think that we might be trying for number 2 around this time. Everytime I think of that, I think of this quote by Woody Allen: "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." Well, I've learned my lesson and I'm not planning for anything, but I am hoping that this year will be better than last.

And Life Goes On

Wow! Has it really been almost a week since I last posted? Sorry about the delay, but there really hasn't been that much going on in my life. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

I am excited to report, though, that I had my first meeting with the eating disorder therapist and things went well. I think the most enlightening thing she told me was that 85% of anorexics don't meet the weight criteria of the current anorexia diagnosis. That is, 85% are in the "normal" BMI range, but have all of the other symptoms (psychological and physiologcial) that are associated with anorexia. I guess based on what doctors know now, they are planning on changing the criteria for anorexia and removing the weight criteria.

And for the first time since I've gone off of BCPs, my little ovulation monitor shows that I am ovulating on CD 15!! I've always been a late ovulator, typically on CD18 or later. I'm not sure if it's a fluke or the herbs I've been taking or the fact that I'm eating more, but I have to think that it's a good thing.

So, where do I go from here? Well, I'm meeting with a nutritionist and then with the therapist again. I'm slowly, but surely making progress and I'm hoping that this will help in some way with my IF. I'm not going to hold my breath and assume that this is going to cure everything, but I know it can't hurt.

Back To Square One

I've come full circle and I'm back where I was almost one year ago. Back at my original RE who did my IUIs and my HSG and the one who told me that Doc and I had a 99% chance of getting pregnant through IVF. HA! Yeah right!

I have this love/hate relationship with this doctor (I'll call her Dr. Curt). Love because I think she's very smart and knows her stuff. Hate because she's always in a rush and this makes her curt (hence her name) and I think her nurses/staff are a bunch of dimwits. She works at the same HMO as Doc and I sort of understand her predicament. She's the only RE on staff and so she does everything for everyone who has an infertility issue.

Let me give you some perspective on how overworked these doctors are. Currently, Doc sees 13 patients in the morning and then 13 patients in the afternoon. That's 26 patients in a day -- 20 minutes per patient. That doesn't include having to do all the paperwork, telephone calls and emails. And God forbid if there's a late patient or someone who may require more than 20 minutes. So, I try to give Dr. Curt a break.

Anyway, I met up with Dr. Curt yesterday and she asked me how things were going and I told her I've done 2 IVFs and no pregnancies. Not even a chemical. Her reaction: complete and utter surprise. She insisted that we should have gotten pregnant by now, particularly with the success rates of the 1st IVF center we went to (their success rates are above 50%), and with the fact that I had decent embryos transferred back.

Her thought is that there's something going on with implantation. Maybe my uterus or lining? So, she's scheduled me for a hysteroscopy for next cycle. At that time, I'm also doing a freakin' slew of blood tests...again. She's determined to get me pregnant. Has anyone ever had a hysteroscopy? From what I've read, it sounds very unpleasant to put it mildly.

As for other things going on in my life, I've changed acupuncturists. I'm now going to a Chinese woman who seems very nice and has a wall full of baby pictures and thank yous. She's given me some herbal pills which I googled and seem to be consistent with what's ailing me. I'm also taking the metformin which initially did a number on my stomach, but now seems to be ok.

And, finally, next week is my first appointment with the eating therapist. I'm actually dreading this. I've had therapist appointments in the past and they didn't go so well because I'm absolutely terrible at talking about feelings and emotions. This has sometimes been an issue of contention between Doc and I because when I get upset, he wants to talk about it immediately and address the issue. I just want to get control of my emotions, mull over them, and then once I feel like I can handle a discussion, then I'll discuss. I just hate being emotionally poked and prodded. Ugh...

Trials and Tribulations

I'm not sure if this is national news or if it's just been a local preoccupation, but in the Bay Area we're on high alert because of the Johannes Mehserle trial.

Doc was on-call until 11pm last night at the ER and he'll be on-call for most of the weekend. Our office sent out an email yesterday telling everyone to go home early and avoid Oakland. Everyone has been avoiding downtown Oakland and a lot of people who usually take BART (which is the "subway" system for the Bay Area) have opted to either not go to work or to take an alternative mode of transport.

It'll be a tense weekend and I'll probably skip my usual jaunt down to the Oakland Farmer's Market. I feel bad for the store owners and other businesses that will suffer due to the unnecessary violence.

On another note, I met with SI.RM yesterday and had a long discussion with Dr. G. He had a different perspective on my situation. He's of the opinion that my issue is a hormonal problem and not necessarily a protocol problem and that I need to address/treat the underlying hormonal problem. He basically said that with a good lab and maybe some changes in protocol, I could possibly get a few more mature eggs, however it wouldn't address the uterine issue (i.e., thin lining) which is also probably related to the underlying hormonal issue and probably causing implantation problems.

When I asked about donor eggs, his opinion was that it was far too soon to do donor eggs and even if I did do donor eggs, seeing as I may have a uterine problem, there's no guarantee that they would implant. He really thinks I should take some time to do additionally testing and find out if/what my underlying hormonal issues are.

So, that being said, I did a bit more research and it appears that a lot of my symptoms are related to eating disorders and nutrition. Adding to that list, I'm now including low DHEA. I just got my tests back and I'm on the borderline/low end of normal. Low DHEA, low estrogen, low libido, fatigue, insulin resistance, bloating, constipation, light/no periods, low heart rate (my resting heart rate is below 50), very low blood pressure, always cold...It's all there.

Amazingly and strangely enough, I've actually LOST weight since I've stopped exercising and eating more. It's seems so counterintuitive, but the scale shows a loss of 4 lbs! It's really hard to believe. I've been making a conscious effort to eat when my body says it's hungry and not ignore the hunger pains. Prior to this, I would just drink a ton of water or go exercise and typically that would suppress the hunger.

Unfortunately, I think there's still a lot of work to be done because I still have this mindset of what/how much I can eat. It's just so hard to overcome and even though I've increased my food intake, I'm still not sure if it is enough. Am I full or am I just "mentally" full? I know that may sound strange, but I'm really having difficulties with it. I've led a certain lifestyle for so long, I think it's going to take a long time to undo the damage.

Something To Chew On

I just finished talking to NO.VA in Palo Alto. They're a very small IVF shop, but people had pretty good things to say about the docs and about the level of service and personal attention.

I have to say that the doctor was very nice and I heard a few very interesting things. First off, he thinks that I can get pregnant with my own eggs. And second, he's seen this immature egg issue before several times and interestingly enough it's only been in asian women. He even said that as soon as he saw my paperwork and my IVF results, he assumed that I was of asian decent.

His protocol change recommendations were to switch to microdose HCG, regular lupron protocol, no menopur until the very end of the stims, and lastly stim for an additional 1-2 days past the typical day that they would do the HCG shot. He said that some women just have eggs that need to be stimmed a little longer.

Now, I'm not sure that I would end up going to this clinic, but talking to the doctor really put my mind at ease. As of now, I have 2 docs saying that there's still hope and only 1 doc saying it's time for DE. I have two more appointments to go, one with SIRM and another with CCRM, so I'm hoping that I'll hear good things back from them.

As for my other issue...I definitely ate more this weekend! For example, yesterday I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast and then for lunch/dinner I ate 5 ribs, some grilled veggies, half a cup of macaroni salad, some cherries, and a few cheese and crackers. That's a lot of food! :)

Thank you!

I'm doing ok...Well, as good as can be considering the results. But as with all bad things, I realize that I can't dwell on this and I have to move on.

And I will move on, thanks to all of you and your kind words. When I started this blog, I had no idea what a huge part of my life it would become and all the wonderful, fabulous women I would meet. Sometimes I'm amazed how we even make it through each day. If I could, I'd go visit each and everyone of you and give you a huge, gigantic hug.

My next step will be to address my eating disorder (it feels so weird to write/say that). I've lived this way for so long, I don't know any other way to live. Every media outlet tells you, eat more veggies and fruit, eat less carbs and fat and exercise more. That's what I did. I just don't understand how they can say that and then tell me what I'm doing is wrong. I guess this is where the nutritionist and counselor come in to play.

I'll also be doing acupuncture and taking herbs. I'm meeting with a new TCM(traditional chinese medicine) doctor next week and I'm sure she'll have a lot to tell me.

And then lastly, I'll have to deal with my mother. She's coming back from Korea next week and I'll have an earful to deal with. Not only will I get to hear her opinion, but I'll also get to hear the opinion of all my Korean relatives (which she will tell me in detail) and all the anecdotal stories about so-and-so's daughter and how she got pregnant by obeying her Korean mom and eating tons of miyuk gook (seaweed soup). Patience is a virtue...

Not IF related

Ok, in case you don't figure it out, this post is in no way IF related. It's more just something that I thought I'd share since it's one of those pet peeve things.

See, the thing is, I really enjoy going to the gym and getting my sweat on, and up til about 3 weeks ago I wasn't able to enjoy this past time because I was doing IVF. Now that I'm back on the wagon again, I've been spending some good quality time at my gym.

When I used to go regularly, I would see the same people day-in, day-out and you get used to seeing them. Since I've been gone it seems that there have been some new members that have joined on. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing new people working out, but there are some things that I just don't like or that just baffle me and takes away from my workout experience.

I'll list them below for your reading pleasure (and because I have nothing better to do right now):

- Mullet Man: There is a new man in my spin class with a very interesting mullet. It's still business in the front, party in the back, but he also has a bald patch right at the top-back part of his head, so essentially there's all this hair everywhere except for a nice little bald ring in the back. Now, how do I know this? Because I spent the better part of an hour in my spin class studying the back of his head since he came in late and sat on the bike right in front of me. In addition, he was wearing his shirt inside out...maybe that was done inadvertently because he was running late, who knows? But, the bald-mullet, I'm not so sure.

- Ass Cracker: Yes, there was a woman in spin class who decided to wear her low-rider shorts...It was not a pretty sight and unfortunately, she was sitting next to Mullet Man and so I was accosted by a view of her ass crack for the better part of an hour.

- Stinky Man: One word - Shower.

- Grunter: I get it. The class is tough, but grunting only makes me want to hit you and that would probably make you grunt even louder.

All of these people and so much more have invaded my sanctuary of sweat and I feel violated. What happened during the weeks I was gone? Was my gym invaded and all the normal people replaced with weirdos? It's a sad, sad situation...

It's a Peak!

Finally, the ever elusive egg has appeared on my monitor this morning. Perfect timing because tomorrow morning Doc leaves for his conference, so we'll get one at least, maybe two shots in before he goes on his jetplane.

Talk about delayed ovulation...I haven't been keeping exact track of my cycle days, but I think I'm about CD19 or 20. In my past non-medicated cycles I almost always ovulated on CD16-17. I wonder if the meds have messed with cycles or if it's the exercise?

I haven't really exercised strenuously in almost 2 months. No running, no spinning, no lifting weights and right after the BFN, I started up again on everything. I've been sore for about 2 weeks off and on and I feel great! However, I think with all the exercise, I probably threw my body off it's lazy cycle and the consequences are a delayed O. Well, at least that's my layman's hypothesis.

Anyway, I mentioned that Doc will be at a conference until next Monday, so I'm on my own for the next few days. I know I'll miss him, but I'm actually looking forward to being on my own. I have dinner dates and brunch dates with a lot of my girlfriends -- it'll be great to catch up.

Sometimes, I miss my single days when I could make plans based on my schedule alone. It's nice sometimes to just be that single girl again, hanging out with the girls and not feeling bad about ditching Doc. So, beginning tomorrow morning at 7am, I am "single" for 5 days.