Another To Add To the List

Right after my work holiday party on Friday, I noticed I had a missed call from my ob. It's usually never good when you get a call from your doctor, so I immediately listened to the voicemail. She went on to tell me that she had read the ultrasound notes and everything looked a-ok with the baby, BUT (there's always a but) not so much for the placenta.

I have a low lying placenta covering the opening to the cervix which means a few things:

1) Probable bleeding during the during the second or third trimester, if so, I'll have to be on bedrest

2) I will probably have to have a c-section

3) I am at risk for early labor which can lead to all sorts of complications

I've been told, though, that most placenta previa cases that are seen during the 20-week scan are resolved by the third trimester. The uterus grows/stretches and the placenta shifts upward from the cervix. I'm hoping that this happens to me.

Right now there's not much I can do, so I'm not that worried. I'll just have to wait until I'm rescanned at week 28 and hopefully (fingers crossed), the placenta will have moved. So far I haven't had any spotting or bleeding and I'm hoping that it stays that way. 

Bucking the Trend?

So, Doc is one of three sons and each of his brothers has 2 boys. Coming from a Korean family, we have hit the jackpot since boys are highly, highly valued. But, sometimes there's too much of a good thing and there's been a lot of secret hoping that our little one would be a girl.

Well, we got the news yesterday and it's a boy! There's no denying it...we have a perfect shot of his little pee-pee and it's definitely a boy. So, it looks like we won't be bucking the trend.

I am so dang happy! Every time I think of the little one, I just feel so fortunate and happy and blessed. It's been an amazing journey that's just begun.

Too Long!

First, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and is joyfully recovering from food coma. Second, argh! It's been way too long since I last posted. I can't believe it's been over a month. I don't even know where to begin, so you'll have to excuse me, but I'm going to make a list of all that has been happening between then and now.

1) I'm almost 19 weeks! Holy smoking cows! My belly is definitely starting to protrude and I've given up wearing anything but elastic waistbands. It's a little surreal to look down and not be able to see the underside of your belly.

2) No more all day nausea...finally! Hallelujah! I still have bouts of queasiness here and there, but overall my nausea has definitely subsided. I don't have any cravings and my only real food aversion is to sweets, particularly pastries. I used to love all things cake and pie and now, not so much.

3) I got a promotion, well, sort of...That's part of the reason for my absence. I got an "interim" manager position around the time I found out I was pregnant. Supposedly, it was to be a 3 month gig to determine whether or not I wanted to permanently take the position (it's very different from my current position and would be a definite career change), but it's turned into an indefinite timeline. Add to that, I still have the responsibilities of my current position, so I'm doing double-duty. Hence, my lack of downtime for blogging (because if you can't blog during work, when can you blog?!).

4) Babymoons...Doc and I have just taken 1 of 2 babymoons. We went to Kauai over Thanksgiving and we're (or should I say he's) in the midst of finalizing plans for our Xmas babymoon to Spain, Portugal and Morocco. This is probably our last hurrah for awhile, so we're trying to make the most of it.

5) Sleep and backaches. My old back injury has returned with a vengeance. To combat this, I've been trying to sleep on my side, not to mention that I'll have to side sleep exclusively starting at 20 weeks, but, let me tell you, I HATE sleeping on my side. I am a back sleeper and our bed is nice and firm, made specifically for back sleepers. Side sleeping is making me miserable. I've tried multiple pillows, bought a snoogle, and even switched to sleeping in the spare bedroom, but it's just not working. Any advice?

6) Pink or blue? That is the big question in both households right now. See, Doc is one of three sons and both  of his brothers have 2 sons, so there is a definite lack of estrogen on his side of the family. On my side of the family, being that this is the first grandchild/niece/nephew, my mom and sister are just waiting with bated breath to see if it's a boy or a girl. We have the anatomy scan scheduled for this Wed, so I'm guessing that we'll then!

That's the update for the timebeing. I'm sorry for the long winded post, but it's been so long, there was a lot to catch up on. Oh, and I also apologize for being so remiss on the commenting...I'm hoping that I'll be back on the ball soon!

12 Weeks

I made it to 12 weeks! Lots of things have been going on and luckily, I think the worst of the nausea has finally passed. I've actually been able to make it through the day without feeling like I'm going to throw up at any minute. Don't get me wrong, the nausea and food aversions are definitely still there (I can't even look at pico de gallo without wanting to hurl), but I actually have some energy and feel half-way human. I can't wait to be able to enjoy food again...to look at food and say, "YUM! I wanna eat that hunk of meat!"

I also graduated from CC.RM! I'm done...no more meds, no more blood tests for progesterone and estradiol. It was a bit sad saying bye to Annie. She is the best nurse and really made my cycles at CC.RM so much easier. After being with CC.RM so long, it feels weird to be alone and not having them there as my security blanket.

What else? We had our NT scan and tested negative. To me, this was the last big hurdle we had to pass. I know we still need to get through the second and third trimesters, but this test was what would decide whether I could go public and our results were really good. As a result, we'll probably opt out of having doing an amino and we'll make our announcement this weekend at Doc's family BBQ.

Yes, Doc's family still doesn't know. I made the decision to wait on telling the in-laws just in case. I'm really happy we did and feel so much more comfortable now than I would have if we had told them earlier on. Not that telling them would've been bad, but the less people that know, the easier it would've been had something gone wrong.

Lastly, we got to see our little eggy! It was the best thing ever. I swear, I think I'm in love and I couldn't help but cry a few tears. I could see him (defaulting to "he", but we don't know yet) waving his arms and legs and doing little summersaults. This was all during our NT scan and the tech was so nice. She pointed out how he was swallowing amniotic fluid and showed us different views. Doc and I could've stayed there forever just watching him hang out and do his thing.

Before I end, I want to say congratulations to Tortoise Baby!

Taking a Breather

I'm so, so sorry. It's been too long, but I have excuses. Basically, for the last week and half I have been exclusively focused on making it through each day without having a break down or throwing up in inappropriate places.

I really hate sounding like I'm complaining, but I had absolutely no idea that my morning sickness (or all-day sickness) would be so bad. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that it's my body's way of telling me that our little eggy is still safe and sound, but maybe it could tell me a little more subtly. For awhile, I was nauseated constantly...every day, 24 hours, even in the middle of the night when I woke up to go to the bathroom. It was the worst in the afternoons/evenings -- cooking dinner, forget about it. Poor Doc hasn't had a homecooked meal in weeks. I've even switched to chewable prenatal vitamins since the others were making my throw up (very, very sensitive gag reflex).

I think my worst night was a couple of weekends ago when Doc and I were at Mass in the evening and it was so hot and crowded at church. I started to feel nauseous after the second reading and then it got progressively worse as we went through the Gospel and then the Homily. I forced myself to make it through the Communion and then I ran out of church, dragging Doc with me and we hightailed it home where I ended up kneeling by the toilet and throwing up...everything.

The next day I got a prescription for zo.fran and let me tell you, it is not the blessing that I had hoped for. It did absolutely nothing other than give me a freakin' monstrous case of constipation. I was so backed up, that it made me even more bloated and nauseous. During these hard times (pun intended), Doc's only medical contribution was to tell me that I could get relief by doing an enema or manual disimpaction (he did make it clear that he was not going to do the disimpaction). Needless to say, this information was not helpful and only succeeded in making me even more irritable.

Anyway, so all this rambling is finally leading to the fact that I may actually be feeling a little better. The last couple of days have been a little less painful and I've actually been able to go grocery shopping without feeling like I'm going to hurl on the tomatoes. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm praying...

9 weeks!

Wow! I can't believe it! It's already been nine weeks. I'm still in a bit of shock to think that I'm actually (still) pregnant.

On Tuesday, I went in for my second ultrasound and the baby is doing well! Heartrate is up to 181bpm and it was measuring at 8w6d -- exactly as it should be. At that appointment I had a long discussion with the OB to discuss options for genetic testing, and we decided to do the NT and if necessary, an amnio. It seems that no matter how far along in the pregnancy we get, there's always another hurdle to cross.

As for the morning sickness, thank you all so much for your advice. It's been pretty brutal to say the least, but no one except for Doc seems to be too concerned about my lack of eating/appetite. My OB said not to worry, the baby will get all the nutrients it needs. But, I did follow your suggestions and I've been making some protein smoothies to help me get through the day.

The other good news...I'm almost completely weaned off the progesterone and estrogen supplements! Saturday will be my last dose of PIO and my last patch. After that, I'll only be on one endometrin insert and one oral estrace. Something to look forward to!!

Food, Glorious Food!

I have a serious issue and I need some help on this, so any advice would be much appreciated. For the past week or so, I have had absolutely no desire to eat anything. I think it's a combination of complete food aversion and nausea. It's gotten so bad that I actually have to force myself to eat. Literally, I have to tell my hand to pick up the food, put it in my mouth, chew, and swallow. If I'm lucky I'll get down half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and then some jook (waterey cooked rice stew type of thing) for dinner.

Doc started to freak out last night when all I could eat for dinner was half of an egg roll and 3" of a Subway sandwich. I wasn't actually concerned until he started to get concerned because #1, I'm not constantly throwing up (maybe because I'm not eating anything?) and #2, all my concentration for the past 2 weeks or so has been on just making it through the day. Oh, and I've tried all the non-prescription remedies: ginger, B6, sea-sickness wrist bands, saltines, small meals, etc.

I told Doc not to worry because there were women that are far worse than me, but that didn't seem to console him and now he's got me all worried. I have an email out to my OB, but I also wanted to post the question to you. Is this normal? Have you experienced this, too? Should I be concerned?

Progress

These past few days have been a real struggle, so I apologize if this post is a bit incoherent. I am so incredibly tired and the non-stop nausea has not helped me one bit. I sit behind a desk all day and by 3pm, I am so incredibly tired, I just want to collapse. How do women who do more physical work even function? Am I that much of a wuss?

Yesterday, I had my first "major" ultrasound and they were able to get a count on the heartbeat. The little eggy (named for our one good egg and also "eggy" sounds very similar to "baby" in Korean) is now measuring 9mm with 137 bpm. They're estimating the age to be 6w6d which is only one day behind if you calculate using our transfer day. So far, so good!

As much as I want to go out and celebrate, I constantly have this nagging worry in my mind and I can't help, but be scared. There's always a "but" somewhere. I'm hoping that I'll feel a bit more confidant once I get through the first trimester.

Next stop: med reduction and another ultrasound in 2 weeks!

Ultrasound Update

We had our first ultrasound yesterday and everything was looking a-ok! We have one little bean who decided to stick around. It was such a relief to see the flickering heartbeat and nice round yolk sack. Unfortunately, the doctor had not scheduled the appointment as a "major" ultrasound so we didn't have the equipment that could count the beats per minute. But, after figuring that out we went ahead and scheduled the right appointment for next Wednesday.

The doctor took the crown to rump length and measured 5mm which puts us at 6w1d which is just one day short of the "real" age which is 6w2d. I'm now anxiously waiting for Wednesday's appointment! Does the waiting and anticipation ever end?

On another note, I can't wait until I can stop doing the PIO shots and these estrogen patches. My estrodial was at 868 and progesterone was at 91, so I'm hoping that I'll be weaned off of these soon and then maybe, just maybe, my nausea will lighten up a little (well, a girl can hope, right?).

6w1d

Wow! I can't believe I just wrote that...6 weeks and 1 day. It's amazing. I really can't believe it and I'm still pinching myself. Well, between the bouts of nausea, I'm pinching myself. I'm not sure whether to be grateful or miserable, but morning sickness and in my case, all-day sickness has kicked in big time.

It's been a real struggle. Although, I haven't thrown up, I can barely function during the day because it takes all my concentration to just keep myself from lying on the ground and moaning like a wounded animal. The nausea is terrible. It's fully incapacitating. When I get home from work, all I can do is just throw myself on the couch and stare blankly at the TV. Poor Doc hasn't had a home cooked meal in quite a few days and thank goodness my mom lives nearby because I would have just stopped eating if she didn't bring over food.

Other symptoms include sore boobs and fatigue and bloating. The sore boobs have really thrown me for a loop because it's almost like I have a foreign body...Imagine this: having "nearly A" boobs for your whole life and then one day, boom they grow bigger and fuller and they hurt when you jump or try to sleep on your stomach. Is this how the other 99% of women live?

Don't get me wrong. I am so thankful for these symptoms because without them I'd be more of a basket case then I am now, so bring the symptoms on! And, hopefully, tomorrow we'll get a glimpse of the little bean causing all my pain.

The Other 2 Week Wait

I'm not sure which is worse the "typical" two week wait of waiting for your beta results or the two week wait between your beta and that first ultrasound. I'm one week down, with one week to go and it's been excruciating.

Throughout the day, I'll take random moments to feel myself up and make sure that my boobs are still hurting (my one and only "real" symptom). Without that sign, I'd be lost, a complete basket case versus just a semi-basket case. It's hard to concentrate on anything else, and to be honest I've been googling everything under the sun regarding early pregnancy. Luckily, my job requires only half a brain, so it hasn't really affected anything that I'm doing.

As for some of my "maybe" symptoms...hunger. I am starving when I wake up and sometimes in the middle of the night, I'll wake up because I'm hungry. But, then again, I might just be hungry because well, because I'm hungry and I like to eat. Another "maybe" symptom -- gas and lots of it, which seems to be going hand in hand with my constipation. I've been drinking prune juice to alleviate the constipation which I think is contributing to my increased methane output which doesn't really do much for Doc or for my carbon footprint.

Argh! I tell you IF certainly gives new meaning to "patience is a virtue."

Complete Meltdown

Alright, I'm typically a pretty calm and unemotional person. I pride myself in being logical and not letting my emotions get to me, but today, that went out the window.

I just came back from work and all of sudden noticed...holy sh*t, my boobs don't hurt! And then I started freaking out -- big time, like, huge! I called up Doc who was working late and told him what was going on. He said that if I wanted to, I could go down to the lab and get the bloodwork done stat and see the results tonight. What kind of question was that? Did I want to?

So, I drove like a maniac to get to the lab before it closed and by the time I got back home, washed the dishes and folded the laundry (I do housework to calm myself), Doc had called to with the results and it was 2320 (38 hours doubling time)! Of course, Doc scolded me for stressing myself out, but when all you've got is symptoms and they start going away, I'm going to start freaking out. That's just the way it goes.

But, now I can sleep easy, at least for tonight and then we'll see what triggers my next big anxiety attack. Freakin' a...does the panic ever end?

Beta #2

We got the digits! 508! We made it over hurdle #2. My progesterone level at my last test was 59.2 and my estadiol was 454, so I'm good there, too.

CC.RM doesn't do anymore tests if your second beta is good, so we're now just waiting for the ultrasound which will be two weeks from today.

We haven't told anyone except for my mother and sister and Doc's older bro. For the time being or at least until the end of the first tri, I think we're going to keep it that way. We're being very, very cautiously optimistic. What is that they say...hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Dazed and Confused

I feel like the last 24 hours have been a dream. I'm still in disbelief that I could actually be pregnant.

What did I do to celebrate? I treated myself to a positive pregnancy test! After 2 and a half years of never seeing a BFP, I peed on a stick last night, and there it was -- two lines. I could feel myself holding my breath and anticipating a stark white stick even though I had gotten a positive beta just this morning. I really, really wanted to see those two lines.

And now I'm going through what every IF woman goes through after getting a BFP...the fear. I'm ecstatic but at the same time, so incredibly scared. The only saving grace is that the symptoms (if you can even call them that) are still going strong, if not stronger. I still have the cramps, my breasts are sore and I have absolutely no desire for anything sweet and let me tell you, I love me some afternoon chocolate.

So, here I am waiting for tomorrow's beta and doing nothing productive except reading Dr. Google. Praying that the number rises!!

BETA!

252 at 9dp5dt! That's the number! I can't believe it! I'm still in disbelief.

Since we did the beta at the hospital lab that Doc works at, he actually got the results before CCRM. So, we just found out.

I know we're not out of the woods yet, but I'm just so happy!!

Symptom Insanity

OMG! I don't know if I'm going to be able to hold out and not POAS before my beta on Wednesday! This weekend has been unbearable. Please talk me away from the edge!

I have all of the following symptoms:

• Sore breasts...seriously achy and I have never had sore breasts
• Constipation! I haven't had any more prune juice since the incident last week when it worked a bit too well and now, well, now I'm having a "hard" time of it.
• Sleepy. Very sleepy.
• Cramps galore and increasing every day.

I'm so scared that all of these symptoms are a result of the meds, both the progesterone and the estrace. I particularly think it may be the estrace because I've never taken estrace orally and I know that taking the hormone meds orally can increase the side effects. All the other meds, I've taken during my other IVF cycles and I had no real side effects. I'm only taking one 2mg pill of estrace orally because my estrogen levels were a little bit low on the day of my transfer. The rest of the estrogen is being administered by the Viv.elle patches.

Has anyone taken estrace orally? Did you have any of the same symptoms?

Please, please, convince me that waiting until Wed is the way to go!

Pooped...

3dp5dt and I'm back in the Bay and relaxing at home for the rest of the week until I have to go back to work on Monday. So far I feel ok with a couple of exceptions...

I'm pooped. I've been sleeping 9-10 hours/day since the transfer and I'm still tired. As a matter of fact, after I type up this post, I'm going to take a nap.

The other exception is that I'm pooped...literally. I'm having some serious bowel issues. I've been seriously constipated the past couple of days, so today I decided to take matters into my own hands and I had a nice glass of prune juice (disgusting). I'm not sure if it was that or something else, but I am now officially unplugged. The flood gates have been opened. The Kraken has been released. You get the picture...At this point I'm not sure which extreme is worse. I just hope things stay nice and quiet for awhile.

Transfer Complete!

We had our transfer yesterday and everything went a-ok...actually, it went as well as I could have hoped for.

When we got to CC.RM, I did the mandatory bloodwork to test my estradiol and progesterone. Then we were ushered upstairs to our first session of acupuncture. After that, we had to wait a bit and that was really uncomfortable because my bladder was so full. I had to ask a couple of times for the nurse to let me empty my bladder.

Eventually, Dr. Sur came in with the embryologist and transferred two fully expanded, hatching blastocysts. One of the blastocysts survived 100% and the other survived 98%, but both were hatching and they both looked great.

I have all my fingers and toes crossed that one of these little blasts is on its way to taking up residence in my uterus. My beta is scheduled for next Wed. Hopefully, I'll be patient enough to wait and not test beforehand!

Too Much Thinking!

I hate to admit it, but I've been thinking way too much and thinking too much usually leads to me worrying and then anxiety and then second-guessing. So, that's where I am right now...second-guessing on everything related to the FET.

Currently the issue I'm obsessing on is whether or not I should have requested a test for beta integrins. When I talked to Dr. Sur about this he said that he didn't think I should test because nothing pointed to implantation issues. I asked why, considering I've had 2 failed IVFs and he replied that those were most likely embryo quality issues.

At the time we talked about this it made sense. The first IVF we transferred two fair day-2 embryos which most likely would not have made it past day 3 and on our second try we transferred a single fair day-3 embryo. So, nothing to make you say, hmmm...those were good embyros, why didn't they make it?

I know it's a bit late for me to be wavering like this, but I can't help wondering. To give me a little piece of mind, I've told myself it things don't work for me with this FET, I'll definitely do the test before our next FET AND I'll also do a laparoscopy (even if Doc doesn't agree with this one).

No Silver Lining

Not even a hint or glimmer of silver. I got the news and I had a feeling that it was going to come down to this -- my lining is just barely too thin. It's at 7.7mm and CC.RM likes it at 8mm. No word yet on what'll happen to the FET. I guess we just wait and see, but that's not all the good news.

There's also something happening with the lining. Some abnormal thickening on one area of the lining. The doctor who did the scan thinks it might be a polyp or something, but it's definitely a lump/protrusion of some sort. Not very large, but it's there. It's a bit strange, so we'll see what CC.RM says, but for the time being I'm a little freaked out and whole lot worried.

UPDATE: We're still on for the 8th! Part of me is happy and excited, the other part is second-guessing whether or not we should go forward seeing as though we're right on the borderline of too-thin and we have the unidentified something or other growing in my uterus. But, Dr. Sur says it's a go and I've trusted them this far, so Denver here we come!

Living with Lupron

That's been my life lately and let me tell you, it's been no barrel of monkeys. I had no idea that lupron could make your life a living hell. The first few days were smooth sailing and I was even gloating about how I didn't have any of those horrible side effects that I had read about, but then...the headaches, the nausea, the hot flashes. I have them all. To say it's unpleasant is putting it mildly and I have to continue with it until August 2nd!

Other than my bitching, there's really nothing new to report on. I've started on the FET meds and my transfer is still scheduled for Monday, August 8th. I've already taken the entire week off to relax and chill.

Oh! How could I forget? In addition to my lupron woes, I also hurt my back doing squats at the gym. So, I've been icing, going to the chiropractor, and basically, hobbling around for the past week. That, in combination with the lupron, has made me quite the happy camper. Poor Doc has had to deal with my bitching and complaining. I'm sure he'll be happy when this is all over, too.

Signing off to take other shot of the devil water!

Back to Reality

Sorry for the huge lapse in posts. I know there's no excuse, but does being on vacation count? I just got back from our vacation to Iceland, Finland, Sweden, Estonia, and Greenland. It was a whirlwind trip with no rest. Seriously, I need a vacay from our vacay. Doc loves to pack as much as he can into our trips and this time he outdid himself. We spent the most time in Iceland, driving around the country and seeing all the major sites. It is an absolutely beautiful island and the name, "Iceland," is a bit of a misnomer. It was cold, but it's also very green and lush with tons of beautiful waterfalls. Luckily, our days were long with 20+ hours of sunlight, so we were able to squeeze a lot into our days.

But now I'm back at the office, trying to refocus again. It's so hard to get back into the swing of things after coming back from vacation. (insert long sigh) I always, always kick myself for not adding in a couple of buffer days to make the transition a little less painful. It never works, though.

On another note, the countdown has begun to my FET...It's a little less than a month away before I head back to Denver to transfer two of my four blasts. I started the lupron yesterday and the last day for my BCPs is tomorrow. I can't believe we're so close. I don't want to get my hopes up, so I'm trying to remind myself that I only have a 50/50 chance according to all the stats that I've read on Google and what Dr. Sur has told me. I'm taking it one day at time and hoping for the best!

Getting the FET Ball Rolling

I finally have the date set for my FET. I'll start the lupron right after we get back from Iceland on July 10th and then on August 8th is when I get to meet my blasts.

It's such a mixed bag of emotions right now. I really, really want this to be over, but at the same time I know this is my last chance, my final grasp at the straws, the grand finale...The fat lady will be singing and hopefully, it'll be a happy tune. I keep telling myself to be positive, but it's so hard every, single time I hear another pregnancy announcement, see a freakin' HPT commercial, or even just walk by a pregnant woman.

I've been trying to keep myself sane and not think about this too much. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know if I do, I may not be able to recover without some serious damage. Doc has been wonderful and supportive, but I'm just a really bad communicator and I keep things to myself most of the time. Over the years, he's learned to be patient and sooner or later, I usually tell him what's on my mind and what's bothering me, but it could be after a couple hours or it could be months down the road. I'm sure I could do with a therapy session or two, but I've done that and it hasn't helped me at all.

Anyway, enough of the depressing ramble...I've got a vacay to prep for and then a successful FET!

Happy ICLW!

It's been awhile since I've participated in ICLW, so for all the new visitors...Welcome, and here's a little recap on my infertility journey. Warning: It's a long journey.

It's been 2+ years since my husband (Doc) and I have been TTC. When we started TTC, like most newbies, I assumed I'd be knocked up within months, but six months passed and I could tell that something was not quite right. My luteal phase was short. I had very light, 2-3 day periods. No existent cervical mucus.

So, I tried the alternative, natural methods first. Went to acupuncture, took delightful tasting herbal meds, started yoga, reduced exercise, gained weight...But all for nada. So, then I went to a local RE who does everything except IVF and with her we did two rounds of IUIs (a clomid and a letrazole cycle). I responded, but again we got the BFN.

After those three rounds, the RE was out of options and we were still unexplained, so she suggested we move on to IVF. She assured us we'd be pregnant in no time. Doc's sperm analysis was top notch. I was still relatively young (34). I responded ok to the meds. All the physiological stuff was a-ok. It was a no-brainer...on to IVF.

So, Doc and I bit the bullet and with hope in hearts we went to a local IVF RE who had the best stats in the Bay Area. We started with an antagonist protocol because I had done the clomid challenge and had just barely squeaked by. It seemed things went fairly smoothly. The only cause for concern was that my follies took a little longer in growing. But, by day 13, I was ready to trigger and I had 9 good looking follies for retrieval. Good news was I had 9 follies retrieved. Bad news was out of those 9 follies only 3 were mature and only 2 fertilized. We transferred 2 ok-quality embyros on Day 2 and got a BFN.

The doctor was stumped. He had only encountered this one other time and really didn't have any answers as to why this had happened. He suggested we stim for another day or two and do away with BCPs, which may have oversuppressed me in the beginning of my cycle. Doc and I thinking that this was just a fluke decided to give it another go.

Although we liked IVF RE #1 just fine, we decided to go with another well known local RE. He suggestion was to do a microdose lupron protocol with estrogen priming, but when I asked him about the extra day or two of stims, he said that it would not help to produce mature eggs and it would only cause the eggs to be overmature. We trusted his opinion and went with him and the result was almost identical cycles. We had retrieved 11 follies, but out of those 11 only 3 were mature and only 1 fertilized, so we had only ok quality 3-day embryo to transfer. Another BFN.

At this point, we obviously knew it wasn't a fluke and something was going on with my eggs, so we went to the best and headed to CC.RM for what we thought was our final cycle. We talked to our doctor there and decided that we'd push to blastocyst no matter how many embryos we had and we'd also push for CCS (if we had enough blasts). If this was going to be our last cycle, we really needed some answers. I knew that CC.RM's lab was excellent, quite possibly the best in the country. If we pushed to blast and we had zero embryos make it, then we knew there was quite likely an issue with egg quality and then at least, we'd have some closure.

Our third IVF cycle went very similar to our last two IVF cycles. We did an antagonist cycle, but this time we stimmed an extra day, growing my follies to over 20mm and letting my estrogen rise to over 3,000. We also did a double HCG/lupron trigger. We retrieved 9 eggs, 5 were mature and 4 fertilized. Of those 4, we had only 1 perfect 3-day embryo and that made it to blastocyst by day 6. We froze our one 4AB blastocyst and decided not to do CCS.

After this cycle, we decided to give CC.RM one more try. Our fourth IVF cycle was the same protocol but this time I also added in saizen. I reacted the exact same way and they let me stim for an extra day. At retrieval we got 11 eggs, 5 were mature and 4 fertilized (one extra fertilized late, but it didn't make it past day 2). Of those 4, we had 3 make it to blastocyst -- 4AB, 3BB, and a day 6 5BB. We decided not to do CCS because on day 5, when the decision needed to be made, we had only 2 blasts.

So, now this is where we stand...We have four blasts on ice and we'll be transferring two (4AB and 3BB) in a FET sometime in August or September. All I can say is that it's been a very long journey and it's changed me a lot. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I wish I could say that it's made me a stronger, better person, but I can't confidently say that. I just know that my life will never be the same.

Recap

We had our $108 15 minute call with Dr. Sur last week to discuss next steps and to pick his brain a bit. In summary, he said that he didn't think this cycle really differed all that much from last cycle even with the two extra blasts (I'm not sure why). And amazingly, he actually said that the quality of my eggs aren't bad. He thinks that my follicles need to be bigger in order for the eggs to be mature. Unfortunately, I stim slowly and I'm already at the max days that he'd like to stim someone. Add to that, my follicles don't grow at the same rate and I tend to have a lot of smaller ones which aren't mature. So, bottom line is that there's not much more we can do.

Based on my records of this cycle and last cycle, it does seem like the mature follicles/eggs are the ones that are 20+ mm. Anything smaller is immature. So, while most people can have mature eggs with a follicle at 17 or 18mm, I would not be one of those.

So, what are our next steps? Well, with 4 blasts to choose from, Dr. Sur recommended transferring two, the 4AB and 3BB from this cycle. The remaining two (which are day 6 blasts -- 5BB, 4AB) will remain happily frozen and hopefully, not be needed until way down the road.

In the meantime, I've been enjoying life again. Going on runs, drinking coffee, having glasses of wine...life is good once more!

What Not Wednesday (A Day Late)

Yeah, it's Thursday, but I'm going to pretend it's Wednesday and post random What Not thoughts for the day. I know my blog has been seriously lacking in any sort of interesting, stimulating or even somewhat engaging content and for that I apologize. IVF #4 has sucked the life blood right out of me and my blog, but now that it's over, I can post the most exciting aspects of my life starting with:

Korean Dramas: Since I started IVF #3, I've been hooked. I started watching one that my mother recommended  to me while I was in Denver. I had the time and it was brainless, but one thing led to another and now I'm hooked. All the crying in the rain while Girl A waits for Boy A to come home from the military. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law drama. The independent, head-strong Girl with attitude gets Rich Boy because he falls in love with her no-nonsense personality. All of the story plots are the same, but they are oh so good. Guilty pleasures, I tell you!

Coffee and Exercise: I can have both...again! Hallelujah! I had my first cup of coffee on Monday morning and it was so delish! And as for running, I went for a 3.5 mile run on Saturday, outside, in the sun and I didn't do too bad. I made it with a pace of less than 10 min/mile. Not great, but not bad.

Vacations: Doc is putting the last minute touches on our itinerary for our Iceland/Scandinavia trip. We'll be spending 5 days in Iceland, renting a car and driving around the island. We'll be spending the remaining 9 days in Greenland, Sweden, Finland and Estonia. I know...it's a lot of countries to be covering in such a short amount of time. Luckily, they countries are close and so the flights are quick. I'm excited, but at the same time, a bit anxious because I know it'll be a pretty tiring vacation. We're also going to Sequoia National Park over Memorial Day weekend. Not as exotic as Scandinavia, but I'm still looking forward to it. Both Doc and I haven't been since we were in elementary school, so it'll be nice to get away and commune with nature.

That's about it in a nutshell! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we get to do the FET in July. The sooner, the better!

One More!

We got one more blast! I just got the call today and we got our last embryo to develop to a 5BB blast. That means out of the four initially fertilized, we had three make it to blast. Amazing!  I am so thankful and happy and relieved all at the same time. So now we have four blastocysts: 4AB (IVF #3) and 4AB, 3BB, 5BB (IVF #4)

I wish I could figure out what made this cycle so much better than last cycle, but it's so difficult to say. It could've been the saizen or the cocktail of vitamins that CC.RM recommended or it could've been that the reduced work schedule that I started back in February. Shoot! It could've been that the stars were aligned just the right way. Whatever it was, I am so freakin' thankful and happy that we have four chances for a success.

I know we're not in the clear yet and I don't want to get my hopes up, but this gives me a glimmer of hope that it might just work. We haven't figured out when the FET will be, but probably sometime in July/August. We're going on vacation to Iceland and Scandinavia at the beginning of July and want to do the transfer afterward.

So, our next step is a phone call with our doctor on Friday to discuss our transfer and then we'll take it from there!

Blast Results

I just got the call from the embryology lab and it looks like we have two blasts. Out of the 5 eggs (4 normal maturation + 1 late maturation), we had 2 make it to blast and 1 that may potentially make it to blast by tomorrow.

I asked about the quality of the two blasts and one is a 4AB (which at day 3 was an 8-cell 4-) and a 3BB (which at day 3 was a 7-cell 3). With only two blasts we decided to forgo CCS testing.

We talk to Dr. Surrey on Friday about our options with the transfer, but we're anticipating a July/August transfer.

Five of Fourteen

My apologies for the delayed update, but I wanted to have all the info before I posted. So, first off, I want to say that my body is very consistent. Out of fourteen eggs (yes, this time we got a lot of eggs) only 5 were mature (same as last cycle) and 4 fertilized. We had 7 that were immature and only 1 of the 7 was fertilized, so we've added only 1 extra to the fab four. So, I guess the results are that even with additional eggs, my body just can't manage to produce any more mature eggs.

I'm hoping that out of those 5 at least 1 makes it to blast. Then we'll have at least one blast to add to our single blast from last cycle.

Amazingly, I'm actually ok with the results. I'm not happy with them, but I feel like I'm in "acceptance mode." If this doesn't work, then I'm ready to move on to adoption. I just don't have the energy, stamina or desire to do anymore IVFs.

Showtime!

I just got the news and tonight is trigger! My follies are pretty big:

Left side, I have about 8-9 ranging between 28 (I think this was mismeasured because yesterday the largest was at 21 and I've never heard of a follicle grow 7mm in one day) and 14.

Right side, I have about 3-4 ranging between 21-18.

Keeping my fingers crossed that the retrieval on Wednesday goes ok and we get a good number of mature eggs.

Mile High

Yes! I am here in Denver once again and you could say I'm having a bit of deja vu. My cycle is going almost identical to last time I was here, except it's the mirror image with my left side having the majority of the follicles and my right side lagging a bit in production.

On the left, I have 6 follies ranging from 14 to 6mm and on the right I have 4 ranging from 13 to 6mm. What can I say except that my body is very consistent...doesn't throw my any curve balls which I guess is a good thing, but based on my results from the last IVF, I'm hoping that maybe we'll have a better outcome.

Anyway, I get the day off tomorrow from going in to the clinic and Doc flies in tonight, so it'll be nice to hang out with the hubby and relax for the day.

Forgive Me

I've been a terrible blogger for the last couple of months. I apologize, but my life has been none too interesting and since I've just been farting around until my I start IVF #4, I just haven't had anything to write about.

But now that comes to an end! I have started my stims as of today and on Sunday I fly out to Denver. Being a veteran IVF traveler, I've picked up some tips from my first trip out there. First, I only ordered just enough meds to get me through the first day in Denver. When I get to Denver, I'll order the remainder of my meds. This way, I only have to travel with a small amount versus last time when I had to pack a freakin' pharmacy. Second, Doc is coming out one week after me. Since I take a year and half to stim, there's no reason that both he and I both have to sit around waiting for my eggs to cook. So, he'll be flying out a bit later. Then, lastly, the rental car is in my name. Last time, Doc was the sole driver on the rental agreement, so he had to play Driving Miss Soo around and it was a pain in the ass. Since I have all the appointments, it's better for me to drive.

So, what drugs am I taking? Well, there's the 150iu of men.opur and then the 0.33 of saizen and then 300iu of go.nal-f. This is the first time taking saizen, so I'm praying that it helps, particularly since it cost me $700 bucks for 5 doses...talk about highway robbery.

Oh, and needless to say, my Bay Area RE (the one that I am going to for at-home monitoring before I travel to Denver) reminded me that studies have shown stress and depression are not good for IVF. Great...I swear, trying to destress has resulted in causing me even more stress. I call it the great Infertility Paradox: Stress from attempts to destress results in additional stress causing initial stress factor to worsen. Blah.

Life's Updates

I'm back from Utah and the best snow on Earth! I have to agree with that statement...On Sunday, we rode on the most amazing powder. Here in CA, we get what people call Sierra Sludge. The snow is wet and heavy and on a powder day, it'll just weigh you down and stop you cold in your tracks. But, in Utah, the snow is heavenly. It's weightless, soft, and you glide effortlessly down the mountain. I've never boarded on anything so amazing. And to think, Park City is less than a 2 hour plane ride from us! Guess where I'll be next winter.

On the flip side, I'm sick. Without fail, I always get sick when I go on vacation. The day before we left for Utah, I got the usual sore throat and then sneezing which led to the runny nose and cough. So, between runs, I spent my chairlift rides blowing my nose and swallowing meds to keep my cold at bay. But, I am proud to say that I did not miss a day of snowboarding. Even in my invalid state, I dragged my ass to the slopes and got my runs in. Unfortunately, this cold seems to have a very long half-life and is still lingering. I'm hoping to kick it to the curb by this weekend, but I won't place any bets.

As for my cycle, I started the estrogen priming this morning and now I'm just waiting for AF to come. She should be here by tomorrow or Friday, so I wait...again. If she comes as anticipated, I'll start stims on the 5th and leave for Denver on the 9th. Less than two weeks and I'll be back at CCRM.

Waiting For O and Other Stuff

The title of this post basically sums it up. I'm just waiting to O and then the countdown begins. How am I feeling? Well, part of me can't believe I'm going through this again. As I get out my credit card and order those meds, I can actually hear the money going down the drain. Another cycle of shots, bruises, pills and travel. Is it worth it?

I'm really hoping that it is. I'm placing $30K on "Yes" and praying to every god that something good will come out of this. Please, please don't let this be a waste of time, energy, hope, and money. All we need is one good egg.

To make matters a tad more stressful, if we don't get at least one good blast out of this I'll feel oodles and oodles of guilt. I was the one that convinced Doc to do one more cycle to get one more egg. The money that we're using on this cycle could have gone to a down payment on a new home (so we can get out of our current home), but no, I convinced him that in the long run it would be worth. What's more valuable...a better neighborhood or a child? So, there it is and I feel like the responsibility for that decision is on my shoulders.

That being said, the "Other Stuff" in my title refers to our upcoming trip to Utah to go skiing/snowboarding. I'm excited! We're going for 4 days and will be staying at The Canyons resort. Hopefully, this will be my last ski/snowboarding trip for awhile and thankfully, I won't have to start my cetro.tide until after I get back, so no shots to travel with.

And, my very last note: Happy St. Patty's Day and the luck of the Irish to you!

Delinquent

If there's anyone still following me, I'm so sorry for my delinquency. I know, there's no excuses for not posting, but really, I had nothing exciting to post.

What's been going on since since I last wrote? Well, I reduced my work schedule temporarily, so now I'm working Mon-Wed with Thurs and Fri off. I've been catching up on cleaning, cooking and reading, having lunch with friends and just plain enjoying life. And, strangely enough, IF hasn't been my main focus!

But, reality kicks in and here I am again with a new calendar. I start the estrogen priming part of my cycle at the end of this month (luckily, after we get back from our Utah ski/board trip) and then I'll begin stims in April. The calendar has me flying out to Colorado on April 11th. This time we're old pros at this, so the traveling will be much less stressful.

Let's get this show on the road!

Time Flies!

Has it been almost 2 weeks since I posted? Man, it's been a long time, so obviously, there should be tons to catch up. Not so much.

So, since it's Valentine's Day, I'll post a little bit of something about Doc. We met back in 2006, actually, I should back that up. According to him, we've known each other since I was in high school and he was in college, since we went to the same church...I have no recollection of this, but I am known to have the worst memory, so I'll assume that what Doc says is true.

Anyway, fast forward to after college and I'm back in the Bay. Doc is done with med school and residency and he's also back in the Bay. We see each other at parties, since we know the same people, but we never say hi...He's dating other people. I'm dating other people. But, low and behold in the January of 2006 we end up going on a ski trip with some friends and we start chatting away, and we "click." I am utterly and completely smitten. He's funny, smart, witty, charming and he skis!

The next month, we start hanging out...We chat on the phone. He helps me with dinner and driving (I had just gotten PRK done on my eyes). We go skiing/snowboarding. And, the next thing you know, we're dating and I'm in love! After about 10 months of dating, we're engaged and in November of 2007, we're married!

He's my BFF and the love of my life and the most amazing husband in the world. Doc is the trip planner, the money manager, the car fixer and the bug killer and without him my life would be so empty (not to mention, filled with lots of bugs and I hate bugs).

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Our Best Laid Plans

Now that we have our one good blast safely frozen away, what are we going to do?

We just finished our regroup with Dr. Surrey and he started out by saying I responded about the level he expected (don't really know if that is a positive comment or not...). Anyway, he then went on to talk about our eggs. Our current blast was the only perfect 3-day embryo that we had. The remaining embyros stalled at day 3 and didn't develop further. This, he said, probably indicates that they were chromosomally abnormal and wouldn't have implanted even if they had been transferred.

From there, we talked about our options. He basically gave us two: 1) stick with our current blast and do a FET, or 2) do a second stim cycle and try to get more embryos. We tried to get him to give us his opinion on what would be our best option, but no such luck. With #2, we'd possibly get more embryos and give us better odds, however, there's no guarantee.

So our plan: go with option #2. Doc and I had already decided this prior to the regroup. Although, Doc didn't really want to do another cycle, I told him that if we didn't, I might regret for the rest of my life and did he really want that hanging over his head and our marriage. With that comment and my absolute guarantee that this would be the last and final, I was able to convince him to do one more cycle.

As for the protocol, it'll be the same as before. Dr. Surrey was satisfied with the results and he didn't think that anything need to be tweeked, so we'll be doing the extra day of stimming plus the HCG/lupron trigger. But, in addition, I'll be using sai.zen, a human growth hormone, which supposedly helps poor responders.

Our last and final cycle starts in March. Denver here we come...again!

And Then There Was One

We got the call from the embryologist this afternoon and we have one. One single blast graded 4AB. The other 3 ceased to develop after 6 cells. The bottom line: I make really sh***ty eggs.

I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I'm disappointed, but at the same time grateful that we have at least one. I'm not a crying-type of girl and am usually pretty stoic, but in the past few hours I've gone through a myriad of different emotions and now, I'm just trying to figure out what to do next.

Should we do another cycle and try to get some more embryos? Do we just transfer the one embryo and call it quits? I'm really not sure...Doc wants to quit with this FET. Since we were able to get one blast, I'd really like to have at least two blasts to transfer back. I know I said that IVF #3 would be it, but damn, if that little thing called hope is making me a liar.

I guess we'll talk to Dr. Sur and see what he recommends.

Random Thoughts

It's now only two more days until we get the call from CCRM to let us know if we have any embryos left. It's been a torturous wait and as the day gets closer, the wait seems even more painful.

Part of me wishes I could just hide under a rock for a while until the call comes just so I don't have to deal with anything, but the world doesn't stop functioning just for me and because of that I have some items I have to deal with that have been hankering in the back of my mind.

1) I just got an invite for a baby shower "diapers" party for my SIL. She's expecting a baby boy (#2) in March and although this is her second baby, her friend and her sister have decided to throw her a "diapers" party...mind you, it's not a baby shower, it's a "diapers" party. WTF is that? My guess is since it would be rude to have another baby shower for baby #2, they're being slick and throwing a "diapers" party. What a load of crap (pun intended)...

2) One of my best friend's from college is due for her first in March. Luckily, she's on the East and there's no mandatory baby shower attendance.

3) Another one of my friends is due in June/July. I'll probably be required to go to her baby shower...

4) I went to my first rodeo while I was in Denver. They had the National Western Stock Show (mother of all stock shows) in town and since Doc and I had nothing to do, we went to the rodeo. My impressions? Pretty dang cool...Those cowboys are badass. Sad thing is I'm deathly allergic to horses (I found this out while taking equestrian in college for PE -- I took doped up on allergy meds before class) and in the middle of the rodeo I had to leave because my allergies started to get really bad. So I hung out looking at cows and sheep (not allergic to cows and sheep) while Doc watched the rest of the show.

5) I'm glad to be home...Although Denver is a beautiful city and there's a lot of good things, one of those things is not Asian food. I do not like asian-fusion and there seems to be a plethora of asian-fusion as well as combo-asian (Chinese-Vietnamese-Japanese). Seeing as those three foods are as different as Italian, German and French, I'm not sure how you can combine them together. I'm sure there are some good places that we didn't try, but we gave it our best by going to the ones that were very highly rated on Yelp and I was not impressed. I'm very happy to be back in the Bay.

Now, back to praying for that good report on Saturday...

The Numbers

After waiting by the phone all morning, we finally got the call which was bittersweet.

Of the 9 eggs retrieved, 5 were mature and 4 fertilized with ICSI. The remaining 4 ceased to develop. So, we have 4 embryos with which we'll  freeze on Day 5 (if any make it that far), do CCS testing, and then do a FET probably in March.

I'm happy and sad about the numbers. I really wanted more, but at the same time 4 is more than both previous cycles put together. I'm praying that these embryos make it...

Retrieval Update

I'm still recovering from the anesthesia, so I'm going to keep it short and sweet...9 eggs. No surprise -- right on target with what the ultrasounds showed us. So, now it's just waiting for tomorrow's fertilization/maturity report.

Trigger!

I'm finally triggering tonight! After 14 long days of stims, my follies are ready to be harvested and I'll be going in for retrieval on Sunday.

As of  yesterday's bloodwork, my estradiol was 2, 300 and at today's ultrasound, my stats were:

Right: 24, 23, 21, 21, 19, 12, 11
Left: 21, 20, 19, 11, 11, 10

So it looks like I'll get 9 mature follies with a few additional immature which I hope they can mature in their labs. Wish me luck for Sunday!!

Updated: Holy! My estradiol is 3,011! No wonder my ovaries feel like their about to explode. Poor, poor ovaries...

Slow and Steady

That seems to be my motto for this cycle. It's been 12 days and I'm still stimming. My estradiol levels have been consistently rising between 250-300 per day and approximately 1-2mm of follicle growth. I currently have 8 mature follicles and possible 2-3 additional small, probably immature follicles.

So, now what? Dr. Sur has me stimming for another couple of days with trigger on Friday, barring any unusual numbers. That means retrieval will be Sunday, a whole 4 days later than what we had originally anticipated.

We discussed our transfer options with Dr. Sur today and basically came to the decision that we would do CCS if we had more than 3 mature eggs and we will push to blastocyst regardless of how many mature eggs we get.

I'm so scared to hope for anything at this point. With our last two IVFs resulting in identical outcomes, I don't know what to think. Our numbers don't differ that much from our last cycle in terms of follicles and E2 levels, so I'm just hoping that the combination of longer stimming and lupron/HCG trigger will work some kind of miracle because God knows that's what I need right now.

Right: 22, 19, 18, 18, 18, 8
Left: 18, 17, 15, 8, 7
E2: 1,789

Another Update

Sorry, my posts are not going to be very entertaining...Mostly just filled with a lot of monitoring mumbo-jumbo. Which leads me to my latest stats below:

Right: 13, 13, 12, 12, 11 (plus 2 <5mm)
Left: 11, 11, 11, 5
E2: 735

So far it looks like I have 8 in the running with 1 possible catch up and two that are way too small. I was hoping for more, but am thankful that all of them seem very close in size. So, no issues with a dominant follicles/follicles.

I'm scheduled to have my ER on the 20th, but I've been reminding everyone at CCRM about my immature eggs and telling them that I want to be stimmed for at least one more day, if not, a couple more days. During my last cycle, I stimmed for 12 days and that cycle was a huge bust. I'm definitely going to push for at least 13-14 days...That would put my ER at the 22nd or 23rd. So, I'm definitely going to be extending my calendar.

I'm also monitoring my E2 closely. I'm going to insist that I not trigger until I'm at about 2500. My last two cycles I was at 1,600 and 1,800 and the results were terrible. When I last talked to Dr. Surrey, he said with 10 mature eggs, he would be looking for E2 values between 2,000 and 2,500, so that's what I'm going to insist on.

I've been pretty complacent with my last two cycles and have gone along fairly well with what the doctors have suggested, but this time around I'm going to have to be my own advocate and go with my gut feelings.

As for my life outside of CCRM, DH and I have been spent our last couple of days in Denver watching matinees and going shopping at the outlets. The weather has been beautiful and quite warm, so there's definitely nothing to complain about on that end.

Where Are My Follicles?

I went for my first CC.RM appointment today and I had my Day 6 follicle scan. Looks like there's only 8...How I went from having 15 to having 8, I do not know, but that's what the NP told me this morning.

She did the ultrasound pretty quickly and didn't really seem to be looking for small follicles, so I'm hoping that there are a few more that are hiding around in there. But, the stats are as follows:

Right: 11, 10.5, 10.3, 8, 7.5

Left: 8.5, 8.5, 8

E2: 291 

I'm still plugging along with my meds, so we'll see if that changes when they give me a call this afternoon!

Day 4

After 3 days of 300IU Go.nal-F and 150 Meno.pur, my stats are:

Right Ovary: 9 follies (ranging from 4.6 - 7.9)
Left Ovary: 6 follies (ranging from 4.8 - 7.3)

E2: 70
LH: 3.2
Progesterone: <0.5

It looks like a better follicle count than my last two cycles, but the E2 is still a bit low, so I'm anxiously waiting to hear back from CC.RM to see if they decide to up my dosage or keep me the same.

And the last bit of news is that we leave for Denver tomorrow! Both Doc and I will be out there for the full 2 weeks and luckily, my work has been very understanding so I'll not be required to work while I'm out of state. I'm hoping that the rest and time away from work will help this cycle.

Bloat and Other Cool Things Happening To My Body

First off, thank you everyone for your support!! I so look forward to your comments!

I started the stims this weekend and I feel the bloat setting in...I'm not peeing like I usually do AND even though I haven't been eating that much, I still feel very full (that's the most sure sign). I've been feeling like this since I started the estrace a couple weeks back but sure enough, it's getting worse. I don't even want to think about stepping on the scale because I'll freak out and if I freak out, I won't eat or I'll go on a mad exercise binge and I cannot do either of those things. So, I'm just going to take deep breaths and not think about how I feel.

I had one hell of a time with the Go.nal-F pen...The last two cycles I've used Foll.istim and since I'm a pro at that I thought the Go.nal-F pen would be a breeze. Not so much. I wasn't quite sure about the whole pulling-the-dosage-tab-thing. I think I may have not given myself the full 300 IU dosage the first time because I was afraid to pull the tab too hard. Second time around, though, I was prepared and I pulled that sucker as far as it would go out and I think I finally got the hang of it.

Can I just say that Meno.pur must be devil water! I always seem to forget how much that sh*t burns. I can't believe I pay $80/vial for that.

And my last rant, my face...It's dry and oily and zitty all at the same time. How does this happen? By the end of the day, my nose and forehead have a nice shiny sheen from having sucked all the moisture out of my cheeks and around my mouth. And then, low and behold, I have two beautifully matching red zits on my nose and chin.

I feel oh so pretty today.

Got the Green Light...

...to begin the stims tomorrow night. The baseline ultrasound came back fine with 14 follicles (9 on the right and 5 on the left) and the bloodwork came back ok with LH at 0.5 and estradiol at 116. The estradiol is high because I'm taking estrace for the estrogen priming. So, I start stims on Saturday and then our flight out on Wednesday.

This is the highest antral follicle count I've ever had, so I'm pretty happy about that, but based on my less than stellar IVF cycles 1 and 2, I'm not counting my chickens based on my eggs.

As for CCRM, I'm really surprised at how thorough they are. I have an ultrasound and bloodwork appt every single day that I'm in Colorado. But, after my morning appointment, I'm not sure what I'm going to do while I'm there for 2 weeks! I think I'm going to go stir crazy...I'm arming myself with the full seasons of Dexter, Mad Men, and Big Love (I specifically saved all the episodes to watch while in Denver) and I'm bringing along a whole bag full of books.

After living in NY for 5 full years, I haven't lived in cold weather for more than a few days at a time and only to go snowboarding. I really hope it's not too cold in Denver. I think I'll try to think of this as an adventure, braving the cold for our possible progeny!

What's the 411?

Well, AF was right on time and she arrived yesterday. Strangely enough, though, without any of the usual pre-notification spotting. Don't know what to make of it, but I won't dwell on it, let's just get this show on the road.

We have confirmed plans -- finally. Our schedule is like this:

1/7 - first ultrasound and bloodwork
1/8 - begin stims
1/11 - second ultrasound and bloodwork
1/12 - flight to Denver!

I can't believe we're already doing this. It seemed like January was so far away when we were doing the planning, but here we are 2011.

Based on our discussions with Dr. Sur, we will be pushing to Day 5 no matter what. I sincerely believe that CCRM's lab is good enough that if they don't survive to Day 5 in the lab, they wouldn't have survived in my ute. Also, this way we have a chance of doing some testing if the embryos make it and/or if they don't. Either way we'd get some answers.

I can't even begin to express how scared I am to move forward with this IVF cycle. I've been trying to stay calm, but the closer I get to actually starting the stims, the more anxious I am. I can't even say that I'm excited...more petrified than anything else. I wish I could say that I am hopeful or excited or even happy, but I can't. I'm just downright scared, more scared than I've been in a very long time.

I really feel that we've done all we can to prepare for this cycle. I've researched. I've taken supplements. I've cut back on exercise and increased my food intake. I've done it all and more, so please, please let this work.

2011

I can't believe it's already the new year! Doc and I spent the week in Tahoe snowboarding and skiing, hopefully, for the first and last time this season. The snow was amazing, probably the best I've seen this early in the season.

Now that we're back, I started my first shots last night of cetro.tide and started the estrace also. Oddly enough, just when I need AF to start, there's been no sight of her even though I'm on 12DPO...Usually I start spotting 10-11 days past O, but as life would have it, for the first time, I seem to have a full length luteal phase.

We can't even book our tickets yet to Denver until AF starts. I had anticipated having my usual 2-3 days of spotting so that I'd have early warning, but it doesn't appear to be working out that way. I'm so ready to get the ball started on this process. It feels like I've been waiting forever! I'm just hoping that 2011 holds some good news for us.